Cod Almighty | Article

by Codswallop

17 November 2004

Hello to all my readers on Cod Almighty! I gather that even ladies are sometimes watching football these days, and so one or two of you might even be of the fairer sex - in which case a special, pink, frilly, fine wine-scented, red rose-coloured hello to you!

Now Codswallop may be a confirmed heterosexual - er, I mean Codswallop is a confirmed heterosexual! There's no doubt about it, is there Michael, dear? Er, I mean Mrs Codswallop. Anyway, yes - just because I'm as straight as Brereton Avenue, doesn't mean I'm one of your old-fashioned male chauvinist pigs, as those hairy lesbian feminist types would say. Ladies have their place in modern life, you know. In the kitchen!! Ha, ha - only joking! Ha, ha!!

The PC correctness lot will probably go mad at that though. No sense of humour, that brigade, you see. You call your missus a fat lazy slag these days, and nobody's allowed to laugh. Next thing they'll be telling us our songs about the Yorkshire Ripper are possibly offensive to Graham Hockless and Darren Mansaram, not to mention boring, not that funny and embarrassingly out of date! Can you imagine anything more wide of the mark?

And when I say I'm as straight as Brereton Avenue, I don't mean the Park Street end, where it bends round a bit. Just to clear that up. And it smells of bird seed round there. Except you're not allowed to call ladies birds any more!!

So Codswallop is a modern man, and I don't have any objection to ladies reading the news, as long as they don't cry when they get to the bits about the war. They can even do the sports news, as long as they don't go on about Gary Lineker's nice legs!! I don't think they should be allowed to fight in wars though, because if they die then their children won't have a mother. For the same reason, they shouldn't be allowed to drive cars!!

As for running the line at our football matches, I'm not sure. One of the linesmen at Town's game against Kidderminster, you see, is called Amy Rayner. So not a linesman but a lineslady! Unless it's a linesman with a lineslady's name. You can't tell these days. That's not music, it's just noise. I remember when all this was fish. You can't hear the words.

Except we're not supposed to call them linesmen any more. They're referees' assistants these days. It's political correctness gone mad! Anyway, Codswallop, for one, is all for equality, especially those green triangle coconut ones, but the prospect of Miss Rayner wanting to be a referees' lady assistant at Blundell Park is just one step too many straws to swallow. For one thing, she'll miss all the offsides because she's putting on her ladies' make-up and looking at Gary Lineker's legs. Let's hope she's a stunner, though, lads - we need something that's better to look at than Russell Slades and his team!!

Anyway, I expect this article will be blocked by the liberal Cod Almighty Gestapo, with their unbleached soya milk-drinking ways. Card-carrying members of the politically correctness brigade gone mad, that lot. They probably want to be ladies too. Where are your knackers, lads? Codswallop only has a firm handshake for your sort! With my backside pressed firmly against the wall!!

Ooh, hang on - that's not the wall - that's the washing machine. Ooh. Just a minute. Oh, Lawrie Mac!!