Cod Almighty | Article

by Codswallop

15 June 2010

Now then, readers! Codswallop reporting for duty! And before we turn to the football, I'd just like to say a big 'ha-ha' to the sandal-knitting communist liberals who run Cod Almighty. Why? Because their extremist far-left socialist Labour friends were routed at the polls last month, that's why! What joy it was to see Britain give such an overwhelming majority vote to David Camerons – a true man of the people! Thank goodness we'll see no more of Jocko Gordon Clown's extremist far-left socialist policies, like giving private companies control of the schools, fighting wars for the Americans, and trying to sell off the Post Office!

And another thing!! They've banned us from wearing England shirts!!! It's true. Wearing England shirts is now against the law. In case it offends the Muslims!!! Well, it's an outrage. You can't go around banning things in case they offend somebody. If you don't like it, you don't have to wear it. You couldn't make it up!!!

Those lefties, of course, they think they're the only ones who can have a protest. Look at them with their protest pop singers. Billy Bragg, Bob Dylans, Jon Bon Jovi. Well, this week that all changes. This week it's time for the rest of us to stand up and count! The oppressed, silent minority of white Englishmen aged more than 50. You know, NORMAL people. People who are completely underrepresented by the massed ranks of brown faces, womenists, and youngsters in the Houses of Common!

But remember, of course, Codswallop is no racialist. Except against the Turks. And the Eye-ties. And the bloody Poles. Where are all these eastern Europeans coming from? Very hard-working, the Poles. Send 'em back to Polonia!! And the Jocks, and Scousers. And Cockneys. And Geordies, and the Taffs. And the French, obviously. Oh, I nearly forgot the Yorkies. But that's not racialist – that's just common sense!!!

The foreigns should be grateful that we let them host the thing at all – especially given that England invented the World Cup in the first place!

So our noble cause is one that unites all the peoples of the world. And if Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela were alive today, they too would do as I have done, and bravely join a Facebook group saying if they don't ban people at the World Cup from blowing those offensive horns then we'll pick up our television remote controllers and turn the volume down QUITE A LONG WAY!!!

Why? Let's be honest. Mr Mandela himself would understand. He may have been tortured while he was in prison for being a terrorist, but his pain was nothing compared to the agony we suffer on the sofas of England while we endure the World Cup through the shrill blasts of the venezuela!

Now I understand that blowing the venezuela is an important part of the culture of Africa. That is fair enough. So are their homes, and who would wish to take the people of Africa out of their mud huts? Codswallop is no racialist. I have no wish to say that people can't have their cultures. But they don't have the right to impose these cultures on me. And that's exactly what they're doing by blowing the venezuela when every one of the Africanese people in those stadiums know very well that I, Codswallop, might not like the sound very much while I might be watching on the television 120,000 miles away!

And that's even assuming the game is on at a sensible time! The foreigns should be grateful that we let them host the thing at all – especially given that England invented the World Cup in the first place! But no – they insist on playing the matches at 'local' times, with no thought given to the normal folks who have to get up at all hours of the night to watch on the television!

And poor Codswallop struggles to adjust to change these days. My son-in-law won't even come round any more and set my videotape to record Top Gear. For crying out loud!!! Incidentally, if you see my daughter, could you tell her 22 years is a long time and it hurt me more than it hurt her?

So the venezuela clearly needs to be banned quickly, in case more people become offended. And nobody has the right to impose their cultures on somebody else. Apart from the bit where I want to ban the venezuela and impose my venezuela-free culture on South Africa. But that's different!!!