Cod Almighty | Article

by Andy Atkins

13 December 2004

1. And there came a VOICE which boometh like the tannoy system at Molineux, and the Mariner did clappeth his hands o'er his ears, for verily the voice was loud, and the Mariner did have a slight hangover.

2. And the VOICE sayeth, take thee these beermats and rendeth them in twain so ye can scribbleth down what I am about to say on the furry cardboard bits in the middle. And yea, the Mariner did borroweth a biro from behind the bar, and the VOICE did speak unto the Mariner all the Commandments which are holy and the Mariner did write down what the VOICE did say.

3. And the VOICE sayeth unto the Mariner, have you got all that? And the Mariner spake, yes, I think so. And the VOICE sayeth, good, now gather ye in a round which is double, for the time of closing is nigh upon ye. Thou shalt lay before me two pints of Directors.

4. And the Mariner did awake the following morning on the sofa and did shield his eyes from the blinding light, and did take two tablets of Syndol. And the Mariner did realise that he must spread the word of the VOICE among the profligate people of the town of Grimsby, and did email the Commandments to Cod Almighty.

No other gods before Town

The Shirt of the Beast

Thou shalt not leave before the final whistle

False idols like Graham bloody Hockless

Thou shalt not steal from the kiosk

Thou shalt not phone David Burns

False witness about Lawrie Mac

Honour thy father and thy mother

Remember the Saturday

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's 21,000-capacity all-seater stadium