Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 8 January 2007

8 January 2007

Hello, readers! Now, it's a Monday in January, and the weather is wet and miserable; there are three months until the next UK bank holiday; and Town let in four goals against Rochdale last week with a weakened defence which is weaker still now that Nick Fenton's suspension has kicked in and Alan Buckley hasn't signed any more defenders with around 30 hours remaining until Town's hastily rearranged home game against Chester. It is presumably against this background that Dave the Engineer has emailed the Diary on the apparently hot topic of the music at Blundell Park. "Sibbo and I were debating the issue at work this week and, reflecting on our usual habit of attending a certain hostelry prior to home games, we thought the last tune before kick-off should be The Smiths and 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now'. Any further debate required?" Let's take a look, shall we.

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And Heaven knows I'm miserable now
In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die?

A pint of rancid Bullion to that man, as Morrissey was quite clearly anticipating the predicament of Alan Buckley. All the news today is that Gary Jones and Ciaran Toner just want to play, and GTFC are compounding local self-esteem issues by continuing to pander to the modern fetishisation of football stadiums ahead of football, so let us persist with your emails to the Diary.

Felix Oliver-Tasker, the poshest Town fan in Christendom, is next in the hotseat: "Wishing everyone at Cod Almighty a very happy new year. Driving back to Reading after the Christmas break with the delectable Sister Bum-Ffondle, the finest clap nurse west and east of the Pecos River, by my side, the boot loaded with proper sausages, savoury duck and stuffed chine from Pettits - by God, you chaps in Grimsby know how to eat - I should have been a happy man. But no, even with Acoustic Alchemy's Beautiful Game playing on the stereo I was ill at ease. Let's face it: we were reamed, steamed and dry cleaned, a sad and worrying situation that even the win over Torquay failed to cheer. Let's hope it's just a blip and Mr Buckley will lead us onwards and upwards in the new year." Yes, we're sure those new defenders are on the way... right?

"On a different and happier note," adds Mr O-T, "what do you and all the Codalmightiers play on the stereo on the way to the match? At the moment I have in the cassette Steely Dan's Aja, Acoustic Alchemy's The Beautiful Game, Bollock Brothers' What a Load of Bollocks, Icicle Works' The Icicle Works and Santana's Supernatural. We are what we listen to, and with that cliché I'll get back to freezing off genital warts with CO₂!" Thankyou for that image, Felix. CA's music on the way to the match is determined by an intricate formula involving the position of the sun in the sky, the opposition, Town's league position, the time elapsed since the release of the last Tilly & the Wall album, the time remaining until The Aislers Set next tour the UK, and whether Letters Ed remembers to bring his iPod.

"It's not really a football thing, and indeed, it could be of no interest to Diary readers," begins Steve Hull, and no, he isn't emailing about the Fentydome, "but I have been asked by the proprietor of Get Fresh, The Healthy Alternative (purveyor of baked tates and other culinary delights for the exclusive use of the Pontoon and Main stands) to apologise that the aforementioned will be unavailable for the rearranged Chester game on Tuesday and could you possibly include a mention in the Diary? She does not like to disappoint her customers and realises the discerning fans who shun the pies for a wholesome baked tate are more than likely to be Diary readers. This is despite meticulous holiday planning when the fixture list was published to ensure that a few days away did not clash with home games. Normal service will be resumed against Darlington. The baked tates, that is; who knows about the footy?" Consider it done, Steve. Immediately the rearrangement of Chester was announced, the Diary expected that some fans would be put out by the short notice, but even I failed to anticipate that the club's latest administrative masterstroke would result in the closure of its own catering facilities.

Andy Holt is not just Cod Almighty's CA statorak: he is also a keen reader of the Diary, and it is in both capacities that he takes issue with some of the work done here last week. "Can someone tell Durham Diary that this season is 2006-07, meaning that Peter Till has signed until the end of the season after next, rather than until the end of next season, as he reported on Friday. Unless I fell asleep and missed a season. Did we make the play-offs?" Thanks, Andy. Rumour is that DD's subject of study at the north-east's leading academic centre for Oxbridge rejects is mathematics. I don't believe it - do you?

Last up, two emails on the subject of Town's injured Australian winger Nicky Rizzo, signed on loan from Bastard Franchise Scum last week. "Happy new year to you, Mrs Diary and the pocket diaries. Wasn't Nicky Rizzo one of the Pink Ladies in Grease?" asks Mark Wilson in an email which someone else is going to have to explain to me, while Bedders has been in contact to clarify the situation regarding the Pink Lady's international cap(s). "I'm a big fan of the RSSSF site," he writes, referring to the source quoted by last Thursday's Diary, "but that list was missing prominent footballing convict Harry Kewell, who surely has a few caps. I prefer this site's version, which gives Rizzo a cap against Croatia in 1998 - a 7-0 defeat, unfortunately, but only two goals came during Rizzo's 26+injury time minutes of international glory. Perhaps he can swap stories with Ciaran 'Two Caps' Toner after training." Assuming, of course, that Rizzo is not too injured to train and Toner not too out of favour.