Cod Almighty | Article
by Mat Hare
1 September 2003
***NEEDS WORK***You know how it is. It's mid-afternoon, you're at work and the day is dragging. You are bored beyond belief. You start to wonder why you have to put up with this tedium and start thinking about other people whose jobs are far more interesting than yours. We've all been there haven't we?
And that's how it was for me one afternoon. My job was being exceedingly dull and my mind got to thinking about football. Football managers. They have a much more interesting job than me. They get paid to watch football. How great is that? Suddenly an idea starts to form in my head.
I had often wondered how many managers actually applied for the job they have and how many were headhunted by their current club while they were either on the dole or working for a rival team. I had also wondered how a football club goes about filling an important vacancy such as that of manager. Clubs often report that they have had something like 40 applications for the post of first-team boss.
I didn't think many managers would actually have a CV to send out to other clubs, relying on their reputation and press coverage of their achievements instead. So I thought that maybe club chairmen would find it a refreshing change to actually receive a letter of application and a CV. See where I'm going yet?
What does it take to be a manager? In most industries it seems that the main qualification you need is incompetence. Excellent. I could be on to something here. And I have certainly been in a position to think that I could do a better job than certain football managers, mentioning no Lennie Lawrences. Names. Mentioning no names. So I started to mentally draft a CV and covering letter.
But it had been a few years since I had applied for a job. I wasn't sure what the correct style for these things was any more. So I turned to the trusty internet and looked for a few hints. Perfect. Half an hour later I had a CV that perfectly summarised all my relevant experience and a generic covering letter ready and waiting for the first chairman's name and address. Hurrah! Now I am ready for my own football related version of Project Mayhem.
And my first victim will be Terence Brown. The West Ham chairman obviously decided that sacking Glenn Roeder while he was in hospital was a tad harsh so waited 'til they had lost to Rotherham. Excellent - my first opportunity comes at a high-profile club. [I can't believe the amount of free publicity they're getting on EastEnders just now - Ed.]
After abusing work facilities to print my CV and covering letter and a raid on work's stationery cupboard to get some fancy-looking window envelopes, my first job application for years was ready to go. All that was required was a stamp and some effort to get the letter into a post box. I decided that I ought to supply these finishing touches, my employer having unwittingly contributed my time and the materials.
And that's how all this started. Who knows how it will end? I will do my best to keep you loyal CA readers up to date with my job hunt. Every month I will let you know which clubs I have applied to and also fill you in on any replies I get. Wish me luck - this could be my ticket to the big time.
| EDUCATION | ||
| 1995 - 1999 | University Of Manchester Manchester MPhys (Hons) Physics with Theoretical Physics | |
| WORK HISTORY | ||
| 1999 - present | Software Engineer Alenia Marconi Systems Ltd New Malden One of the UK's leading defence contractors Responsibilities Currently leading team of 5 software developers Managed development of combat message simulator | |
| RELEVANT EXPERIENCE | ||
| Manager: | ||
| 2001 - present | Championship Manager 01/02 (PC) Managed at club and international level Promotion and FA Cup semi-final in First season with Boston Utd | |
| 2000 - present | The Times Fantasy Football League | |
| 2000 - 2001 | Championship Manager 00/01 (PC) | |
| 2000 | Alex Ferguson's Player Manager(Playstation) | |
| 1999 - 2000 | LMA Manager (Playstation) | |
| 1999 - present | Daily Telegraph Fantasy Football League | |
| 1995 - 1998 | Ultimate Soccer Manager (Atari ST) | |
| 1993 | Grimsby Evening Telegraph Fantasy Football League | |
| 1992 - 1994 | Premier Manager (Atari ST) | |
| Player: | ||
| 1999 - present | AMS 5-a-side league | |
| 1996 | University of Manchester, Physics 3rd XI | |
| 1990 | Lindsey School Year 9 First XI | |
| 1988-1989 | Signhills School First XI | |
| SKILLS | ||
| Basic written and spoken German Highly computer literate | ||
| REFERENCES | ||
| Available on request | ||
71 Orme Road, Kingston-upon-Thames, Surrey, KT1 3SD
[Chairman], [Name of club], [Name of ground], [Street name], [Town name], [County], [Postcode][Day month, year]
Dear Sir, I would like to apply for the job of manager of [name of club] that has recently become available following the departure of [previous manager]. Although I am not currently working in football, I believe I have a wealth of experience that I could bring to the role of manager of a football team. I have played football at a variety of different levels and have in the past had a number of different managerial roles. [Reason why I am perfect candidate for the role]. I believe that as a highly educated individual I can find a way of communicating with all members of the set-up, be they players or assistants, which will bring out the best in that person. I also feel that the club would benefit from my youthful exuberance, energy and high level of motivation. The formation and style I prefer my football teams to play is a passing 4-4-2, with the ball played to feet and along the floor. However, I am not so naïve as to see that this tactic will not be successful against all opponents and am happy to change from my preferred tactic as situations dictate. I also like to try and develop the younger players and would happily give youth a chance in the first team. If they are good enough, they are old enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this application. I may be contacted by return of letter or by e-mail to the address on the enclosed CV. I look forward to hearing from you. Yours faithfully, Mat Hare The proof is here! Click on any of the links below to view actual, real scans of the actual, real letters Mat receives from the victims of his inane tomfoolery... sorry, I mean the clubs who could benefit from his genuine potential to succeed in professional football management. 5 September 2003: West Ham 25 September 2003: Spurs 6 October 2003: Tranmere 15 October 2003: Reading 23 October 2003: Wycombe 29 October 2003: Brighton 10 November 2003: Crystal Palace 24 November 2003: Bradford 30 December 2003: Leeds 18 February 2004: Southampton 23 February 2004: Grimsby