Cod Almighty | Article

by Mat Hare

17 September 2003

August is a short month in football terms. The leagues are just getting started; teams are settling down; and managers are trying to get the best out of their summer signings. So it is odd that two chairmen should decide that their manager is no longer up to the task, but that is what happened. Terence Brown of West Ham United and John Courtenay of Carlisle United both decided this month that they had had enough of their first-team managers, giving them the boot - and creating two ideal opportunities for me. Glenn Roeder's and Roddy Collins' loss could potentially be my gain. I certainly didn't expect to get my project off the ground this early in the season - not that I'm complaining.

West Ham are a big club, a club with a good reputation and a number of promising young players. I think I could relate to them. I'm only 26 - surely I would be better for the young lads than a manager in his 40s or 50s. I mean, being closer to their age I would be someone they could talk to easily, discuss matters that are affecting the youth of today without sounding patronising.

But I don't think that is the most important thing for Mr Brown. I am sure that his main concern is the club's return to the Premiership and it is this aspect that I decided to play on in my letter of application. The club is suffering a bit financially due to the drop in revenue caused by relegation. I'm probably the cheapest manager they could get. It makes sense for them to appoint me.

Carlisle United, on the other hand, are a small club struggling at the foot of the third division. If truth be told they have been struggling for a few years now. Hmmm, a challenge. But at least they are a good northern club and not a bunch of overpaid southern ponces like West Ham. Only joking if you are reading this Mr Brown. Plus it'd be nice to have the chance to manage Livvo.

So what did I tell John Courtenay I had to offer? I played on my exuberance and enthusiasm, telling him I was confident I could steer them away from the foot of the table, aiming for a mid-table position before mounting a charge for promotion. It's a bit like the five-year plan that many managers seem to have these days, except I never claimed to be able to get them into the Premiership.

So that's it. The letters are away and await the responses. Not that I expect either club to respond really. If they do it will only be to tell me: "Thanks, but no thanks," which as far as I understand it is the polite way of telling me to fuck off. But that would be better than nothing at all. And what would it cost the football clubs? Very little. The letter could be written in about five minutes and signed by a secretary on behalf of the chairman; then it is just the cost of posting the letter, which is negligible compared to a footballer's wages. And that tiny amount spent on a reply to my application will result in more publicity for the club on Cod Almighty, as I will be sure to mention all replies received.

That's it. I'm off and running. My quest to become a manager of a football team has started. No club is too big and not many are too small for me to consider applying.