Cod Almighty | Article

by Mat Hare

20 November 2003

October has been and gone. It was here once but now it has departed, which is kind of what several football managers also did in October. I don't mean they died; they just opted to leave their jobs for some reason, such as being shit at it, or were sacked for pretty much the same reason. In fact there were quite a few job opportunities in October and I decided to make the most of them.

Being based just outside London I thought I would be an ideal candidate for Wycombe Wanderers, who gave FA Cup-winning Lawrie Sanchez the heave-ho. I live near Wimbledon, he played for Wimbledon, I'm a perfect replacement. So off went my letter to the comically named Ivor Beeks at the oddly named Causeway Stadium. I assume they whored off the stadium name to some rich corporation and that's why it is no longer Adams Park. In my covering letter I tried to convince Mr Beeks that I could help his club push for promotion after a period of consolidation. Do you think that was too ambitious?

Also on the receiving end of one of my missives was Dick Knight, chairman of Brighton and Hove Albion Football Club and, like his Wycombe counterpart, a member of the Silly Names Club. A seaside town, Brighton, not unlike my home town of Cleethorpes. Actually, the two aren't alike at all are they? Apart from they both back on to the sea. Anyway, I wrote to inform Mr Knight that as Steve Coppell had buggered off to Reading he ought to get a new manager in and that it ought to be me. I promised him promotion and also safety next season, not relegation as they endured before.

Next up was a letter to a foreign team, cor! The wonderfully named Marcio Maximo had been booted out of Livingston by the chairman, Dominic Keane, so I booted a postman over Hadrian's Wall to take my application letter to West Lothian. It took me a few days to get my letter sent because I had to find a postman who wasn't sat on his arse doing nothing and going on about not getting a proper London weighting. Ooh, little bit of politics there. [Spot the Sun reader - Ed.] To Mr Keane I promised a bloody good stab at getting his club into Europe next season, although not using those exact words.

Yet another fella with a great name was involved in my next application. There have been a lot of good names this month haven't there? Theo Paphitis this time, chairman of Millwall Football Club. Proving the fans correct in their assertion that no-one likes them, Mark McGhee walked out on the club. In an attempt to prove the fans, and Mark McGhee wrong, I applied for the position he had vacated. If I got even an interview I would be in love with the club forever. I wonder if boasting that under my leadership the club would claim "our rightful place in the Premiership" was a bit over the top.

The final club to be offered a chance to employ me this month was Macclesfield Town. I had a good time up in the north-west when I was at uni in Manchester so I'd quite like to work at Macc Town I reckon. So I dropped Rob Bickerton a line and told him I offered an outside chance of the play-offs but if nothing else we would have a better squad ready for a push next season. More realistic than promising them promotion or European football eh?

That covers the club applications but there was one more letter written and posted in October. A big job had come up for grabs and I wanted it: manager of the Northern Ireland team. Sammy McIlroy had quit and took on the Stockport job I applied for in September so I thought that if he was going to steal a job I wanted then I should have his old one. In my letter to the Irish Football Association, not to be confused with the Football Association of Ireland, I made it clear that I had never faced the challenges of managing a national side but that I felt I was up to it if they gave me a chance. I don't think they will somehow.

So six letters sent out in October, not bad. To be honest, there were more jobs available but I missed the boat. My holiday sort of got in the way a bit and I missed out on two roles. I was too slow to apply to Cheltenham Town, who appointed John Ward, and when Kidderminster Harriers needed a boss they turned to Jan Molby. Although the various Kidderminster websites out there seem to think that Jan Molby is either first-team manager or director of football. Nobody seems to know for sure what he does. That's the sort of job I want.

That's who I did and didn't write to but did was anyone kind enough to write back to me? Actually, yes, four people were. Near the start of the month I got a brief letter from the PA to the chairman of Tranmere Rovers asking me to sod off and leave them alone, more or less. This was followed ten days later by a rather nice letter from Reading, who seem to feel that Championship Manager isn't a terribly high level of football nor is it "the professional game." Pffft!

Then came a letter from Ivor Beeks at Wycombe. Not from his secretary - from the man himself. It even looks like he has signed it himself although he signs his name like a dyslexic crippled infant. Perhaps all good clubs have one on the books for such matters, I don't know. Finally came a rejection from Dick Knight at Brighton who was very pleasant in his letter but his signature looks like it has been photocopied onto the letter or something so that's a bit disappointing. It may be four more rejections but I prefer to think as these letters as simply four more replies. I must admit that when I started this little project I didn't think I would ever reach the dizzy heights of four replies in one month. I rule!

Finally this month a work colleague of mine passed on a snippet from SP, the sports pullout that came with The People on 12 October. In there was a couple of column inches on the Spurs job and how the club had undertaken to personally respond to every application received. Apparently one applicant had on his CV that he had won the Champions League, Premiership title and FA Cup in the same season. Is Alex Ferguson after a move to north London? No, this wag had won the treble on "cult computer game Championship Manager" and put that on his CV. Who'd do something silly like that? Oh.