Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Thursday 24 January 2008
24 January 2008
A fan base domiciled in China, South Korea and Singapore. A match atmosphere like a mime artist's funeral. Hundreds of millions of pounds of debt run up overnight by goblin-faced, football-ignorant fat cats. A supremely punchable Portuguese winger brazenly cheating, week in, week out. Roy Keane bawling dementedly into the face of referees. A manager bawling: "You know the fucking rules here!" dementedly into the face of John Motson when he dared ask about Keane getting sent off three times in 14 games. And of course Massimo Taibi. This glorious football heritage could be there for the taking of Town's Matthew Bird if he plays his cards right, as the 18-year-old centre-half has apparently spent the last few days on trial with, um, some big club or other. In classic superb new official website tell-us-after-the-event style, the SNOS explains that Bird's erstwhile trial at the Theatre of Yawns - which it hadn't previously thought worthy of mention - has been cut short due to an unspecified but "reoccurring" injury, but he can go back for another try when he gets better (the Grimsby Telegraph gives more detail). Did we mention the corporate sponsor's logo being placed on the banner paying tribute to the players who died in the 1958 Munich air disaster? We did now.
Speaking of Town's excellent young central defenders and things being fatally devalued by business sponsorship, Bird's fellow prodigy Ryan Bennett has been nominated for an award that might have sounded vaguely prestigious were it not collapsing under the weight of a laughably pompous and cumbersome corporate title. "The Football League has announced the nominees for The Nivea for Men Apprentice Award - Football League 2 category in the 2008 'Football League Awards incorporating FourFourTwo's Top 50 Football League Players'," declares Town's official website, gasping for breath until its face is the same colour as Sir Alex's. I was with you up until "announced the nominees".
Last weekend at Dagenham the Mariners' first XI recorded their first goalless draw since dinosaurs walked the Earth, and last night at Barnsley the reserves did likewise. Victim of geography and a recent back injury Martin Butler played the first half but Peter Till went off injured towards the end. "It was a vast improvement from the last time the two sides met - a 9-1 defeat for Stuart Watkiss' side," reflects the SNOS, whose editors got so excited about the postponement of the reserves' fixture against Rotherham last week that they updated the second team's fixtures and results page for the first time since dinosaurs walked the Earth. Well, mid-November, to be exact. At that rate they'll have added last night's score to the page by Easter Monday at the latest.
"Swanky my arse," writes Jerry Baily to the Diary, responding to recent emails on the subject of opera and keeping his fingers crossed that 'swanky' doesn't double as a verb in certain subcultures. He goes on: "There are more 'culture vultures' who read the Diary than some think. I used to organise trips from West Berlin to the opera in the old East - until, that is, we became all friendly and the wall came down. Bloody cheek of some people (bringing the wall down I mean)." You could always try the same thing with Gaza once they've rebuilt theirs, Jerry. What do you mean they don't let Geordies into the opera?
Lastly today, before Guest Diary takes the reins tomorrow to drive you gently into the weekend, we descend from high art to txt spk. Mat Hare's email cites yesterday's Diary teaser line on the front page of CA: "bckly wnts 2 x10d loans 2 end of ssn". What of it, comrade? "I read this as Buckley wants two loans of ten old pence until the end of the season. It took me ages to realise it was extended loans. Perhaps I'm just not street enough for the Diary these days." Don't worry, Mat - I had to use the internet to transl8.