Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 5 March 2008

5 March 2008

There will be face paint. There will be air horns. There will be five quid hot dogs. And there will be 25,000 tourists who can't be arsed to go down the road to see their local side and won't turn up again for another ten years afterwards. But probably the biggest downside of the Mariners reaching the final of the Dulux Cup is that it could undermine the players' league form at precisely the point when their minds need to focus exclusively and relentlessly on reaching the promotion play-offs. The Grimsby Telegraph has already demonstrated the danger perfectly, describing the next game - a crucial fixture in the hunt for points as Town should be looking to put pressure on the sides that stand between them and seventh place - as "a dress rehearsal against the Dons at home on Friday". Sure, those 25,000 tourists represent a captive market for the Telegraph as much as for the Cockney shysters flogging tatty flags on 30 March, but if the players - and, to some extent, the fans - start seeing every opportunity for three points as nothing more than a "dress rehearsal" for the Grand Day Out then they will be torn limb from limb by the promotion-hungry teams Town are set to face in most of the five matches between now and then - and could easily end the season down in 15th place again. So let's not mention Wembley again until the week before the game, OK?

"Congratulations on reaching Wembley!" writes Pete Brooksbank in an email to the Diary. Oh well - at least someone's talking to me. "At least someone's having a bit of fun, so well done. All that remains, of course, is for Grimsby to finish the job and emphatically destroy Franchise Fuckwits FC and send their shameless rent-a-consumers back to Gridsville with their concrete tails between their stupid concrete legs. Indeed, I'm sorely tempted to go to the game myself to cheer you on. Sadly, I don't think I can. According to Channel 4's depiction of Bostonians last night, I'm just too fat, lazy, racist, bigoted, ignorant and retarded to possibly find my way to London." I didn't realise they'd relocated Hollyoaks, Pete. "And while we're on the theme of rampant obesity in south Lincolnshire, can you guess which current Boston United squad member this Barrow supporter was referring to last night when he said: 'The fattest player I have seen in 30 years'?" It wasn't Sam Gaughran, was it?