Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Friday 18 April 2008
18 April 2008
"Bottom of the Barrel Diary looks forward from deepest Tetney to Town's electrifying encounter at Bradford on Saturday" were the final words of yesterday's Diary, but I'm pleased to say that the editorial policy of CA has always been somewhat laissez-faire and today you will be treated to the same old gubbins as usual. Having said that, on Tuesday night a site bigwig told me that I was on no account to mention Daryl Clare or badgers, so brutal undemocratic censorship has reared its ugly mug. Fascists. Yeah.
So... 'Common People' by Pulp, eh? Do you know what really irritates me about that song? It's the bit where it goes:
You'll never live like common peopleHow about reading a book? The library is full of them, and it's free! Then perhaps you wouldn't fail, your life wouldn't slide out of view, and you might not end up such a worthless tosswit. And what does Jarvis Cocker know about common people anyway? His mum - in all probability John Fenty in a dress - is a Tory councillor. He was brought up in a big house. He's just patronising the working class. That's what he's doing. And yes, I know the song was released over ten years ago, but I've been too angry to talk about it until now.
You'll never do whatever common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
And dance and drink and screw
Cos there's nothing else to do
So... John Fenty wears a dress? No he doesn't, and neither does Alan Buckley. Did you see the Buckleymeister's comments after the Wycombe match? Supporters should get real, apparently, because our budget is tiny compared to some other fourth division clubs. Whoa whoa whoa, hang on a second. Wycombe? Entered the league in 1993 after being a non-League nobody since dinosaurs roamed Freeman Street? Never been anywhere or achieved anything? Well, let's put the footballing giants of Wycombe to one side for a moment and look at the table. Who else is above us? Morecambe. Hereford. Rochdale. All the big hitters. Rotherham were as well, until the Mighty Axe of Deduction fell, and they clearly haven't got a pot to put peas in. In terms of attendances we are ninth in the league, which isn't bad for a team who haven't been in the top nine all season. We've been to Wemb-ley and sold lots of shirts. Yes, yes, I know, tax-debt, ITV Digital, whatever. But still. And didn't Fenty say last year that we had one of the biggest budgets for players in this division? Well, I'm sure he did, but this is Cod Almighty and 'research' is a dirty word so you'll have to take my word for it. Makes you think though, doesn't it? No? Oh.
So... let's start a campaign! CA is produced by two or three very clever people, all of whom can write. The Telewag has three regular columnists. A lady with glasses, whose column consists mainly of funny emails her friends have sent her, and incisive comments on matters of the day such as 'someone should tidy up this litter' and 'killing people is wrong'. Then there's sports photographer Geoff Ford, whose brain works with the speed and agility of a snail getting out of bed in the morning. Then there's a doddery old chap with alzheimers. Why not replace these three with the Cod Almighty people? Then you could enjoy CA Diary-style excitement every day on hard copy! You'd never have to read Geoff Ford or the other two again! Written word nirvana! Dreamland! Email your MP. The Cleethorpes one, mind, not the media-luvvy one who couldn't find us on the map as it's so long since he's been here.
Right, that's everyone slagged off. Good job my wife is a lawyer. I'm off up the road to badger Daryl Clare.