Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 3 April 2008

3 April 2008

It's Thursday, it's a Diarist's dog-day afternoon. I'm gonna rob a bank and demand a sex change for Ciaran Toner. My name is Deviant Diary and I'm not a postbag. Have we a dodgy e-postman or is Mr Angry mellow and yellow these days? Whither the Postbag?

We have forgotten Sunday's stroll through Wembley Park.

Ah-ha, you all fell for Durham Diary's April fool! Well, c'mon, he's a student, so today is merely yesterday's tomorrow. Time, like his underpants, is an elastic concept to him. Oh, it's real: Town are having a made-up exhibition game for no reason. What lies beneath? Conspiracy theories, on a postcard, to the Postbag.

With the news blackout at Blundell Park continuing, shall we amuse ourselves with thoughts of Big Clubs in Turmoil? Ah, Sheffield Wednesday, bless their little polycotton socks, had six loan players in their squad for last Saturday's game against Stoke. Brian, you're only allowed five chicken sandwiches at a time. Hark, I hear the sound of grumbling from a long forgotten iron age village buried under a golf course near Brigg. The Big Club equaliser was scored by one of the loan players, so surely they should lose points. Being as they are a Big Club, they'll only get a paltry fine no doubt, rather than placed on a catapult and pinged into the Blue Square North, as the string vest brigade that runs the Football League only punish the weak and weary. Remember, SpongeNigelSquarepants says "we must stay focused and take the positives". We are, Nige, we chuckingly are.

Whither the Fentydome? It's at least 27 hours since small town aspirant politician PJ Fenty (Con) stayed focused and took the positives from the day trip to Hanger Lane. Perhaps he's too busy driving the mean streets of Humberston wooing his electorate. All the animals come out at night PJ. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off your streets. Maybe the Fentydome is in trouble, eh? Or maybe he's applied some science and not just relied on his messianic belief. Do be careful if he turns up for the Rotherham game with a Mohican haircut though. Hey Burnsy: are you talking to me?

In world news do we recall Terry Cooke, the pie-munching parka-boy from yesteryear? How amusing to find him upstaging an extravagantly paid tattoo artist last weekend. The erstwhile moaning Marinerette starred in Colorado Vapids 4-0 defeat of the family-sized LA Galaxy Bar. No news of the great Jake Sagare though. So get out there and inform the postbagman of Sagare sightings.

And finally, it's never too late for some revisionist history. "As the first goal was offside and the second goal was headed in via the devil's arm both goals weren't goals. We won the half time mascot penalty shoot-out, so therefore we won the cup". Yes, that's right, we won the JPT thanks to the Mighty Mariner: you're so right Mr Simon Rhodes of Newcastle, England. How's your mother?

My elastic has snapped, there is no more time. This diary's over, thought I'd something more to say...