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Diary - Friday 19 December 2008

19 December 2008

Mike Newell has kept his counsel this week about the need for an inquiry into why Britain felt the need to throw its puny weight about in Iraq; and he hasn't publicly ventured an opinion about the overdose of tragic Christmas cooking programmes which your Guest Diarist seems drawn to like a moth to a flame. The one where that berk who makes chocolate was said to be so desperate for a rest period with his family over yuletide that he invited a camera crew into his house and then gambolled with his kids in a shower of fake snow after stuffing his turkey with chocolate actually made me bawk. Especially when I realised that it was probably filmed in early October.

But Newell has come forth and spake about the latest totally meaningless initiative from the Football League. Sorry, not the League - this initative is the personal responsibility of that idiot Mawhinney. Newell broke cover on BBC Radio 5 and said: "I take it with a pinch of salt. It won't have a massive impact in the lower divisions and I think it's probably another publicity stunt by the Football League." If Mawhinney is successful in steamrolling the idea through then every League club will have to have at least four players in their match squad who have been registered domestically for three seasons before their 21st birthday. Last Saturday every team in the league met this stipulation without consciously trying. For Christ's sake, you Tory fool, the way to preserve and improve the development of young local players in lower-league clubs is to cream off a bigger fraction of the TV money and pass it down, not try to get the 'Mawhinney rule' into football parlance. As for Newell, he is keeping his face in the public eye, you can't blame him for that, and every interview and soundbite contains the word 'Grimsby'.

That topic did not come up in the Mariners World preview this week, where Mr Newell admitted he wouldn't bet on Adam Proudlock staying with the Mariners after his loan period. The Town manager rolled his eyes ruefully at the thought of what Trotter could do if he only "realised his own physique" but went on to mutter ambiguously that Ipswich "know what they have in him" as the lad prepares to tune his sat-nav for a route from Hampshire to Suffolk after a last game at Aldershot tomorrow. As for Akpa Akpro, the poor lad had to mime where his hurty bit was in training yesterday and then pull out with a sore groin. Everyone hopes he stopped in time and that a restful coach trip today will keep him in contention to play. The Telegraph reports that Kalala has been ill all week and that Till (hamstring and sick), Newey (hamstring) and Heywood ('thigh') remain sidelined. This probably means a long bus trip for Danny North 'just in case' and possibly a chance for Boshell to prove just how important JPK is to the team. Let's hope not.

Akpa Akpro, once he had grasped the pace of the game, had a fine debut last match. And considering he hasn't been playing regular football it is worthy of mention that he lasted the full game. Newell says in 10 to 15 games' time we will see what the lad is capable of; the lad himself said he is only at soixante pour cent and the messageboard folk like excitedly repeating the manager's "rough diamond" epithet. It will be a shame if he can't play tomorrow and I can't wait for Boxing Day.

Meanwhile your festive memories and songs are flooding in. Christopher Beeley, a West Bromwich-based solicitor (God, you poor sod!) has written a verse which has two delightful opening lines before tailing off:

Akpa Akpro, are you listenin'?
All your runs, they are blist'rin',
So stay until May,
And put one away
We'll be in a Grimsby wonderland

Mark Shephard has had a go too:

He's Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro
He's Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro
He's Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro and he's got fantastic hair

Try it again to 'We wish you a merry Christmas', gentle reader. But not when drunk. Mark - try great hair?

Regular correspondent Felix Oliver-Tasker's recovered memory therapy sessions seem to be working a treat as this has come to his mind: "My most memorable Christmas morning match took place a long time ago. The ground was full as the fishing fleet got back in time and Town were playing a half-back called Whitefoot who had a blinder. I can't remember who we were playing all those years ago but we won and I got home full of rum from the bonded warehouse and fell asleep over Christmas dinner. I got a monumental bollocking which was fully deserved. I remember my first ever visit to Blundell Park though to watch the reserves playing Frickley Colliery though. They got thumped 3-0. However the seed was sown and I was hooked."

And on those seasonal notes I'll wish you a happy pre-festive weekend folks. See yer.