Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 30 November 2009

30 November 2009

In a shock move today's Guest Diarist can reveal that 'sources close to chairman Fenty' have revealed that he has contemplated lobbying the Football League to increase the size of the fourth division by not relegating anyone this season. The justification appears to be that the extra four games per season will allow Grimsby Town to rotate their enormous striker squad enough times so that everyone gets a fair chance to prove how lazy or profligate or useless or hungover they really are. Matters seem to have to come to a head after Town forwards stopped getting sent off every other game and also started to recover from injury. This has led to a very large surplus of underachieving forwards in the building. Industry observers believe the chances of success (which would lead to a useful by-product that would keep Town in the league for at least one more season) are similar to the Irish being awarded the chance to play at the World Cup finals because of one little handball. Something our celtic cousins have asked FIFA for over the weekend apparently. Let us play Mr Blatter: go on let us. Go on go on go on...

Twenty-three first team games without a goal. No, not Town (although we are heading in that direction): that's Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro. It's a long drought for a striker we all tried to believe in when he arrived. We used words like raw, fast and exciting - a man who would do the unexpected and rattle defences. Maybe he has discovered the joy of English suet sponge pudding and le custard. Maybe the fish and chips got to him - perhaps he just needs a big beery blow-out and a kebab, as a couple of his strike partners have suggested.

But anyway, Proudlock is back. And from what I'm told he acted the part of a professional football striker quite convincingly in his brief cameo on Saturday. It's time that Town started to convert at least some of the chances they create. If they had done so then three points were there for the taking against an equally profligate Macclesfield team on Saturday. And Proudlock has told the Telegraph all the things we want to hear; about how we are bound to pick up now and how if the team create chances he will stick them away. He says he will play in the reserve game against Scunny in midweek and then will be raring to go on Saturday. Just keep your mouth shut, Adam, and stay in the referees' good books. We need you more than our other nine forwards, I think.

It was a shame, many fans felt, when Jamie Clarke came on as sub at Macclesfield and not our newest potential midfield saviour recruit, Mr Mark Hudson. But still I'm sure there were reasons, and it does enable us to keep that delicious frisson of hope going for a few days longer. That he might bestride our midfield like Colossus and engender such enthusiasm and hard work and joie de vivre among his teammates that we suddenly stop being totally shit and, well, improve a bit. Even score a goal from open play. Now when did we last do that? See yer.