Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 3 December 2009

3 December 2009

Barry Fucking Conlon has been no stranger to controversy during his time as a professional footballer, and it is fair to say that his performances for the Mariners this season have not generally lived up to supporters' expectations. So let's just do away with the trial and give him a life sentence, shall we? The 31-going-on-60 Mariners frontman, reports the Grimsby Telegraph, was arrested and detained by police yesterday morning in connection with an incident back in March in which a car was seen breaking the speed limit. Should the charges be proven in court, the jury will have presented the Diary with the perfect opportunity to quip that it's the only kind of conviction we'll see from a Town player all season, but in the meantime the great Grimsby public is already queueing up in the comments section of the Telewag's web page to presume Conlon guilty until proven guilty. The Diary is especially tickled by the comment that an alleged driving offence sets a poor example to children, and also curious as to why no outbreak of mass condemnation followed the criminal convictions, also for speeding, of the illustrious club chairman Councillor John Fenty (Con) (93mph, M180, May 2004) and another GTFC player, Sir John McDermott (109mph, A1(M), July 2003).

Today's turn at Tell The Telegraph We've Not Been The Best Lately But We'll Get Better Now, Honest falls to Peter Sweeney. This is the latest round in a ritual dating back to the early 2000s, in which the playing staff of Grimsby Town Football Club give interviews to the Grimsby Telegraph in which they first admit that the team is not currently performing to the standards that might reasonably be expected given the club's playing budget and the pedigree of the players, and then issue a promise to improve those standards in the near future, which somehow never seems to be fulfilled. "We know that we haven't been scoring enough goals," admits Sweeney, "but contrary to appearances, now and again we actually do give a tuppenny fuck whether the team wins or loses," he doesn't add but might as well have.

Chris Caspers has endured a torrid start to his new role as Town's first team coach who coaches the reserve team. A second-string side which was at least half composed of first-team players was trashed 5-0 at home by Plucky Scunthorpe United yesterday afternoon, and to make matters worse an injury forced the substitution of excellent young right-back Bradley Wood (one of the very few players in the current GTFC squad to whom the Diary does not wish severe and lasting physical and psychological harm). The Mariners' score included no goals from Barry Fucking Conlon.