Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 30 April 2010

30 April 2010

With Guest Diary still stuck in his reclining chair it's that devious Deviant Diary popping out of the box to bop you on the nose with some Hard News and some Hard Realities. So who will eat the Hard Cheese tomorrow?

One week on from Date with Destiny we have the unexpected sequel, but starring who? With Barnet imploding like a far away galaxy Battlestar Townactica are five ifs into the seven point if-plan for survival (Serialised in the Daily Fail and available from all bad bookshops from May 9th). Now if, if and if, then the whiff of localised death remains on the North Bankers for another few months. And if we revert to type and win 5-0, like in the olden days, we may not even need to beat Burton. Ooh look the plane, the plane! Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Ah, poor Barnet, everything isn't coming up roses for after their midweek panic attack they've taken some slow, deep breaths to find they have a crisis at centre back. It's all going our way: Momentum, the Big M, the world is turning black and white. Nothing can go wrong... oh dear, maybe not. According to the big eared, ruddy cheeked closet Monkees fan Neil Woodses today there is no black or white, only shades of grey. Aks, Prouds, Peacks, Sweens and Sincs are all peaky not perky. But don't worry Chris Jones is back, back, back! I said don't worry. When you see his face are you a believer?

Ah, maybe things aren't so bad. He knows a few faces down in That London, he went around to Mighty Joe's to watch the news and chuckled at some Town fans going to Accridtown (Now official twinned with Cleethorpes). Desperate Dean is eating cow pie in his attempts to play for his dearly beloved Town. Gawd bless 'im, and all who sail in him.

If you haven't got a ticket for Date With Destiny II don't bother trying, unless you can do a canny cockernee type accent. Here's a tip, Barnet is more bagels and brandy than apples-and-pears-have-a-banana type eastender. It's a leafy satellite full of semi- detached suburban Mr Joneses, not a gritty urban wasteland full of whinny sneery sniffers: more neckerchief than nylon. As Barnet took 20 to Accrington, the Town commercial department are confident as many as 100 Barnetteers will trundle up the M1. It's a scientific fact. Grimsby is 5 times more attractive than Accrington. You sexy thing, you. And we have to believe in miracles.

A Public Service Announcement. Five hundred have already gone for a Burton ticket. Hurry, hurry, hurry whilst stocks last. Whatever it is that Burton game will be history. Be there and/or be in the Blue Square (*delete as appropriate at 5 o'clock on Saturday).

Another Public Service Announcement. The Player of the Year Night has been swept under the carpet for now. The boardroom carpet has a very big bulge in it. Why does the image of Mr Fentycon tripping over it like Norman Wisdom keep flashing before my eyes? Whatever happens let's hope he doesn't start singing.

Finally Cyril, if you're going to buy a recliner than you really should let a niece buy it from Shackletons. They've over 100 different ones, and he chose the pooch muncher. Ebonyser's good now though. All's well that ends well, for I believe that the Ayatollah tells a darn good knock-knock joke.