Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Monday 31 January 2011
31 January 2011
Yes folks, it's your Mardy Diary here doing another live and exclusive up-to-the-minute diary. It's currently 10:18 and I can tell you're super excited already about the prospect of D'Wayne Fandango signing before the window shuts.
By the way - our email is working again, so let us know all of your transfer deadline day rumours which we will happily print here without any kind of corroborating evidence at all. Just like Sky News.
10:21 One player we're not signing is tricky Tamworth winger Alex Rodman who has decided to sign for Aldershot because he wants to play in the Football League. The ridiculously ambitious bastard. We'd have been back in the League before his eight-year contract was up, what's up with him?
10:25 This is going to turn in to a 'non-transfer deadline day' diary I think. Another player who alledgedly couldn't agree terms (according to the Non-League Paper) is Adam Cunnington (any relation?). Cunnington has currently scored a stupid amount of goals for Solihull Moors this season.
10:40 Reports are coming in that D'Wayne Fandango is mid-flight and is expected to arrive around 2.30 to sign for the Mariners.
10:48 Richard Dawson has emailed to say that Kilmarnock have released the superbly-monickered Danny Invincibile. Just the sort of central midfield blockade that Town need - if his name is anything to go by.
11:16 Radio Humberside are reporting... not a lot. Some shenanigans at Hull but it's all quiet at Blundell Park. Presumably they're getting the press room ready for the arrival of Fandango.
11:19 Tatyana has emailed in to say "Hello! You have left to me the message on http://russian-bitch.ru. I could not answer at once you, and I write now. If All of you still, everyone are interested in acquaintance to me, write to me, and I shall answer." I was just trying to find out if there were any transfer rumours, honest.
11:33 We're receiving news that Fandango's flight has been diverted due to bad weather over the Atlantic. The skillful Argentinian midfielder has just texted our source to say that he's currently at Dakar airport awaiting a connecting flight.
12:15 Nothing happening. Wait! This just in: Fandango is on his way, a bit behind schedule but he should still be here before the window shuts.
12:16 Jason Crowe has been released by Leeds. Did I ever tell you my theory on why I think Crowe was to blame for the downfall of Paul Groves? It's a tenuous theory, but one I'm happy to rigidly cling on to. Perhaps another day.
12:30 He used to play for Arsenal, you know.
12:40 What this diary needs is some proper insight. I'll just text my mates who are 'in the know' - right laugh this pair, fucking hilarious down the pub. Grayo and Keysey will deffo know what's going on.
12:44 No response from Gray. Keys response simply says: "smash it!! lolz!!" Jesus, he's a card. I'm in tears here.
12:47 Text from Gray: "alrite m8, just hangin with the beeatches, y'know. Fandango in marseille not daka, stupid argie twat. lol!!!"
12:58 Anyone else think Keys looks like an Ewok with a hyperactive pituitary gland?
12:59 Sigh.
13:04 Thanks for all the emails by the way. It is working, the email, isn't it? If not, try this one.
13:05 In the meantime, our friends over at impsTALK have done a great article on the magic of the FA Cup. Give it a read.
13:13 At last! An email. Al Dickens writes to say: "Does it matter who we get in when we can let players like Mike Edwards go on a free (2004 to Notts County). If you saw him perform (and Ricky Ravenhill for that matter) against Man City yesterday and think of the other numpties we've signed you just wonder if anybody at Town know what a footballer looks like." Ah Ricky Ravenhill - has always looked like the player we've been missing in midfield. Except when he played for us. Why did we let Edwards go?
13:28 And the emails are flooding in now. Relatively. Matt Pakes says: "Is anything going to happen? I mean if Grimsby just want to make headlines, they could sign me?! I'll do a Doherty and play once... In 3 years time." Sine im up wooodsesses!
Although, would you describe yourself as a 'combative midfielder' or 'yard dog' Matt? If not, we're out.
13:34 I am awash, AWASH I tells ya, with emails now. Still no juicy transfer lies gossip though. Pat Bell has drawn my attention to the latest headline on the ever wonderful SNOS: Woods pleased with Player's character. "Just which player is he pleased with, or is he talking about the GTFC subscription web service, or a South African golfer?", asks Pat.
Matt Pakes reports back: "More of a clumsy keeper. I did get some of those KA gloves, didn't help. Dislocated my finger, again. Managed to pop it back myself that time though, so saved myself 2 hours at hospital. Result! So unless I sneak upfield for a cheeky corner or penalty, doesn't look like I'll be getting on the scoresheet any time soon". Bench warming duties, then? But could you look Steve 'The Kitten' Croudson in his eyes and tell him you were taking his place on the bench? Could you?
13:44 Update on Fandango: issues with the engine on the flight from Marseille causes an emergency landing. He's "Somewhere in France," apparently.
13:50 Pakes responds: "If it means I get to escape the lifetime of servitude in various offices around the country that currently stretches out infront of me... I'd look him dead in the eyes before every match. Oh and every training session as he's the GK coach. It might kill me to do it, but I'd step up to the plate." You're exactly the sort of self-centred, wage-hungry mercenary the club is screaming out for. Sign here...
14:00 The messageboards are a big disappointment today. I expected at least a half dozen rumours of players spotted at Millfields. Not even a sniff of a Robbie Fowler type rumour - not good enough messageboards!
14:14 Fandango unable to catch ferry at Calais due to suspect package at the terminal. Has chartered a speed boat up the east coast.
14:20 Guest Diary has his eye on the non-League transfers for us and confirms the Drury to Ipswich transfer for £150k. Not bad for Luton who signed Town target Wilmott for about £50k in expectation of losing Drury.
14:25 While we're talking non-League, these couple of stories made me chuckly, darkly: "Boss Dean Saunders says a Wrexham sale is not imminent" and "Wrexham reveal sale of football club is imminent." Ouch!
14:28 Jason Crowe joins Russell Slade's Orient - so will presumably play against Arsenal in the cup.
14:29 He used to play for Arsenal, you know.
14:35 I'm not even repeating that Twitter rumour. Come on - more effort needed. Make it at least semi believable.
Which reminds me, if you'd rather tweet than email you can direct your ridiculous rumours at our twitter feed and we'll reprint them here.
14:55 "Son of a Govan welder". Jesus wept.
15:00 That's a bit better. A messageboard mention of Peter Bore to Sheffield United. Not as believable as the Peter Bore to Chesterfield rumour from the other day, but not a bad effort anyway.
15:11 Richard Lord has emailed with a story about Mike Edwards (see emails earlier for relevance): "Back in the shit 2003/4 relegation season I interviewed Mike Edwards as part of my match day programme duty and I wrote how effective he was despite a lack of pace and height for a centre back. He overlooked my fairly generous description of him being 'cultured' and cornered me after a training session to ask why I thought he wasn't very fast. 'Because you're not,' I said (I couldn't think of any other way of saying it). Luckily he had a sense of humour despite a bloody awful season when all Town players I interviewed were permanently pissed off at one thing or another and it became a 'running' joke between us until he left for County." Bloody hell, I bet that was a fun job. Go on - who was the grumpiest?
15:15 Lincoln have decided to completely ignore Fenty's advice and sign as many players as possible before the 11pm deadline. I hear Barry Conlon's available...
15:17 Ah, that's more like it. Messageboard rumour that Bryan Hughes has signed until the end of the season and may play against Southport tomorrow. Good, good, keep them coming.
SIGNING NEWS... SIGNING NEWS... SIGNING NEWS...
15:19 Confirmation on the Hughes signing from John Thompson at the Telegraph.
15:23 Hughes signing on the OS now.
15:30 Latest on Fandango: "More engine problems. Adrift in North Sea. Down to last Kitkat."
15:57 Juicy messageboard rumour this: Cummins to Darlington. Good, I like that - on the right side of believable. Messageboards are starting to pick up a bit now, so we might get a few more rumours going.
16:00 Derek Riordan from Hibs? No, no - I'm not having that. Come on, try harder. The Cummins one was good, but that's poor.
16:21 Fandango spotted off the coast near Donna Nook. Apparently his phone battery is dead and he is communicating with the natives via semaphore flags. Said something about water... something something... seagulls... something trawler... something
16:47 And it's all gone quiet again. Even Fandango has drifted out on the tide so we can't read his flags anymore. I'm taking a break now and handing over to Guest Diary who will see you through the tea time shift. I'll be back on later to see us through to the bitter, bitter end.
17:10 What can I say? Your Guest Diarist wants to know who Hughses will partner in midfield? Will we stick with two wingers or go with three middle men? Email us and let's have your thoughts.
17:19 An update on D'wayne from our Mabelgrad correspondent: "Look D'Wayne phoned me, he is drifting off Mablegrad and was going to come ashore for a spot of cheese and a nice cup of speciality coffee. Unfortunately his visa has not come in the post like he thought it would so I've got to meet him on the edge of British waters. He's not very happy and garbled something about John Fenty telling him everything would be OK and then buggering off to sign Hughes."
17:27 Richard Lord has been back on to tell us about grumpy Town players to while away the idle hours in this long, long, bloody daft deadline day: "There were too many grumpy players to mention from 2003/4. Apart from Disco Des Hamilton (on whom more info can be found in this article on CA that I wrote a while back) there was Darren Barnard, who was just difficult more than grumpy, and Tony Crane looked like he'd rather be anywhere than at Grimsby speaking to me... but on the entertaining side, Aidan Davison was the best, followed by Macca and then (strangely enough) Alan Fettis. They revelled in telling stories (Davison's were mostly made up though, I suspect)."
17:43 I am listening endlessly, gentle reader, oh Town fans, to Radio Humberside. It is mind-numbingly awful, it really is. A man found frozen in his pants on a park bench in Poland follows some banter about how one premiershite player is not worth what is reported to be about to paid for him. No mention of our potential Argie signing adrift on the east coast - Burnsie really needs to learn to keep up with what's happening at Town.
17:46 Ooh, evilSKY reckon Sheffield United are after Rob Jones from plucky Scunny. Now, in the great pantheon of poor decisions Coun Fenty (Con) has made, the one where he refused to offer Jones the Stick a fair pay rise saying "defenders just don't get paid as much as forwards" ranks right up near the top in my book.
18:30 Burnsie in full babble with his little posse on Sportstalk now. He reckons all the evening action (if any) will be at plucky Scunny. I can't see Town buying anyone tonight but whether anyone comes in for any of our better players is always a bit of a worry. Numbers wise we can afford to offload a centre half and a midfield player. But not a striker. Please not Connell.
18:46 Ashbee this, Ashbee that, give me a bloody break.How many trees did he actually tear up at Hull? Oh, they talk about Hughes at last on SportsTalk. The question is, they say, whether he still has "the legs and the desire". from not playing at all for months it's going to be a right grind this next couple of months with two matches nearly every week. Look, as CA's Mr Butcher said recently: "We ask for a psychotic bruiser, we get a psychotic bruiser. People will complain about having a psychotic bruiser. The cycle of life continues." He might have added "we screamed for a play maker in midfield. And now we've got one we worry if he is up for it." I'm outta here now - time to make the cocoa and settle down in front of Emmerdale. Mardy Diary will be back to tuck you in and say night night. See yer.
19:33 Hello folks, Mardy Diary back to see you through the last few hours of Town making exactly zero more signings. Plus I'll post any other half-baked rumours I stumble across. Things may be a little sporadic...
19:36 Still no sign of legendary midfield playmaker D'Wayne Fandango, but there has been a sighting of him at a chip shop in Fulstow. So hold on folks, there might be an exciting signing coming soon.
20:08 Apparently it was D'Wayne's brother Hercule who was at Fulstow chip shop. Still no sign of D'Wayne.
20:14 Mighty Mariner hinting that he wants out of BP. Rumours that he's finding it difficult to motivate himself to pole-dance on the goalposts these days. Some argue he hasn't got the legs for it any more. Rochdale are showing interest, but it's doubtful they have the real ale stocks to tempt him away.
20:33 Looks like the Football Conference are warming themselves up for some disciplinary action against Wrexham. They love a bit of discipline those Conference officials. Love it.
20:34 Very disappointing performance from the messageboards today. This lack of rumour-mongering would never have happened under Newell.
20:36 This just in from an anonymous source: "I just filled my car at Toot Hill and saw a swarthy, fit-looking young man lurking about. I asked him if he was OK and he said he was looking for Hercule Fandango, his brother and agent. I had to get home for second Corrie so left him there."
20:39 Rumour that Garner may be going out on loan, but that's not restricted by the window so may not be happening for a few weeks yet.
20:44 Still waiting for something to happen? Distract yourself for a few seconds by watching this nice Bryan Hughes goal. It's from ten years ago, but, you know, class is permanent apparently.
20:53 Right, that's me done. I'm handing over to Idle Diary for the night shift. I'm sure he'll keep you abreast of the on-going Fandango saga. Goodnight.
21:30 Howdy folks! Idle Diary steering the boat down the river Styx of the transfer window. And while it looks like there may be some conclusion to the transfer of Fernando Torres from Liverpool to Chelsea, there is still no sign of any late, late player acquirements from the Mariners on any level. It's taken three peeks at the SNOS in half an hour to research that. And each time reading the erroneous "Player's" winds me up more and more. If anyone from the SNOS is reading, could you sort out that out, pretty please?
22:01 The radio's warning of gales. I hope D'Wayne isn't lost... out there... at sea...
22:22 Time for a cup of Horlick's. I've turned over from Radio Humberside for some analysis on democracy in Egypt on Radio 4. This is the stuff we all miss in our dedication to the Town cause. Real stuff. Looking down a list of moves today, Scott Kerr's move from Lincoln to York looks shrewd.
22:35 Hmmm... Deposit ten quid to get an away shirt?... Hmmmm... I'm tempted... Are there any other Conference sides making late deals? Has Neil Woods and the other GTFC staff gone to bed already?
BREAKING NEWS... BREAKING NEWS... BREAKING NEWS...
22:49 Mighty Mariner paves the way for a last gasp move declaring on Twitter "I have still got the legs for pole dancing (just) but if a club does come in with a decent ale offer..." Let's hope Chelsea officials aren't made aware of this. They could probably buy Mighty a brewery as part of any move to the capital.
22:59 Just a minute to go until the window shuts. No news of any signings for Town, but that doesn't rule out no further signings. Town aren't a media circus like those Premiership clubs. We will just have to wait until the morning. And in any case, I was hearing earlier that the loan window opens again in a week. So tune in tomorrow, and we'll see if Town have bolstered their numbers, or if we'll have to "make do". Oh, and thanks for staying with us today. N-night!