Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 14 February 2011

14 February 2011

Mardy Diary writes: Another home draw. Should've won. Didn't. Must be more consistent. Must be ruthless. Yadder, yadder, yadder. It's a familiar story, one so familiar I can barely summon the energy to write about it. So I'm not going to - but the details can be found in our match report and post-match factfile as usual.

So that just leaves me to delve in to the postbag, and what do we have here but an email from Dave Bell who says "Friday's diary - yesterday's news today. We've been reading about the daft vege at Forest Green for 2 days now. Wakey wakey. Stick with copying the Telewag - another pointless exercise." Right then. Let me just get my breath here. Just give me a minute. Ok.

Now then Dave, firstly let me refute the CONTINUED ON PAGE 42 scandalous allegation that we simply copy and paste from the Telegraph. I am almost offended. But I see the mistake you've made: you know those red, underlined things you see in the diary? They're called 'hyperlinks'. If you click on them what they do is open another page - sometimes another page on Cod Almighty, sometimes a page on another website. When you click on one of those and it takes you to a report from the Grimsby Telegraph, that is actually a report on the Grimsby Telegraph's website. It's not a page we've mocked up to look like the Telegraph - it's actually their words. Just so you're clear on that. This is the basis of 'linking' and it's what makes the internet what it is and what the word 'web' in 'worldwide web' is referring to.

Now I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on this as I realise they've only just installed Prestel in whichever backwater Lincolnshire village they've just kicked you out of. So you're just catching up - I can see that.

But secondly, Dave, this is a diary. A diary, Dave. It's a diary. Hence the usage of the word 'diary'. And the structure of days, months and years. I think it's clear, Dave, that it's a diary. It's not something we try to hide. We're not a primary news source you see, Dave. We're a diary. We're not trying to get exclusives, Dave, like some desperate tabloid wannabe. No, Dave. This is a diary, Dave. A diary.

Just to clarify, and in the words of the OED, it's "a daily record of events or transactions, a journal; specifically, a daily record of matters affecting the writer personally, or which come under his personal observation."

It's a diary, Dave. A diary.

I really shouldn't have to put up with this on a Monday morning, you know. Sat here in my ivory tower with loafers made of gophers. I'm only paid £150k a year for this - it's hard enough for me having to struggle with the higher earnings tax threshold and diverting my money into offshore accounts without having to put up with this dribbling, montonous correspondence. I've already got neck ache from shaking my head in frustration. There's a red mark on my forehead from repeatedly face-palming myself. To those staring at me from across this palatial office I look like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman when the smoke alarm goes off, but in fast-forward. Obviously you can't see the look on my face, but imagine if you woke up one morning to find the cat had vomited in your mouth - that's the look I'm wearing at the moment. That's the level of despair.

Right, I'm off for a shit...