Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 29 March 2012

29 March 2012

Shall we play a game of Pasty Times? Deviant Diary? Easy, that's 21 March 2012, Birmingham New Street railway station, West Cornish Pasty Co, a medium steak. Ah, so long ago, was it all a dream Dave?

Jumpers for goalposts, jerry cans for garages. Mmm, tomorrow is tomorrow but the Tories are in Turmoil today! It's the little things that the little people do that always get them in the end. It's an Eton mess alright.

And while we are on the Right side of life, hasn't John Fenty (Top Hat), the notoriously thin-skinned business bigwig, been wonderfully absent from all media tartlets recently. With stocks of Reckless John running alarmingly low, the Diary has been forced to join others in looking elsewhere for sources of mirth and moans.

In episode 723 of its long-running series Space-fillers you don't need to know about old Town players, the limping and lobotomised local media outlet goes for a two-for-one offer. Pointyman Widdrington now manages an old people's home in Eastbourne and is employing Charles Ademeno, one of the many waifs and strays to have wandered through the woods. Like an old pro on ESPN, you are now a more rounded person.

Pseudo-scientists have crawled over found footage from Tamworth and, using nano-nonsense-technology and a healthy dollop of daftness, spotted the thigh of cod in Town's goal. Miller's header is now deemed to have been invisibly diverted by Liam the Tank Engine as it "brushed his thigh". That's another £5 Barry Fry will have to pay) when the summer sales arrive (deferred until 2015 after agreement with Positive John. Quids in!

But what about kids in? This weekend's massive six pointer in the chase to just miss out on the play-offs has yet to attract any of those cute offers to bring Kids for a Quid, Families for a Fiver, Tomboys for a Tenner, Mums for a Minute, or Pensioners for a Packed Lunch. Will anyone be there? The Pontoon would be packed, the Findus full, if only they'd create a gimmick for the game. Hey, nostalgia, it is what it used to be: Town should follow calamity Kettering's lead with a themed match. Short shorts and long moustaches, it's the way life's meant to be. Shouty should dress Duffy up as Jack Lewis to give the Welsh Wanderer the Zapata zip he's been missing. A man in full moustachioed flow is an irresistible footballing sight. Ah, so long ago, was it all a dream, Dave Boylen?

What more can I say? One two three - what am I writing for? Don't ask me and don't want a flan, next stop is Birmingham for a pasty.