Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 2 March 2012

2 March 2012

Mardy Diary writes: So I've bought you a house. You're a bit hard up and you need somewhere to live, so I used a bit of spare money I had and bought you a house. Well, I say I've bought it - I've sort of loaned it to you. I bought it and you can live in it and you don't have to pay me anything. It's a 'benign' loan, if you like. Seriously, don't worry about it - I'm not going to ask for that money back. You can live there - don't fret about it.

I'll also pay the bills for you so you don't have to worry about that. I've installed this really fancy under-floor heating system. It costs a bit, sure. Well, more than you can possibly afford for the upkeep. But you don't have to worry about that because I'm going to pay for the upkeep for you. Well, I say pay for it - I mean, I'll loan you the money to pay for its upkeep. Don't worry about it. Yeah, that's right - it's another one of my 'benign' loans. You have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

Oh, I'm moving another person in. You don't mind, do you? You do? What do you mean you don't like the colour I painted the walls? And that sofa I put in is fine. OK, the paintwork looks a bit patchy now and the bottom fell out of the sofa, but look - at the time I thought it was a good decision. And to be honest, there's no money left to replace the sofa now. Or the paint. Well, I could loan you the money for the paint?

So you've gone off this arrangement now? I see. Well, I'm not going to be funny about it. I care about you so I don't want to see you out on the street. I tell you what, if you can get someone else interested in the running of your house then I'll step away. No problem. And I won't ask for my £4 million of loans back. They're 'benign', right? Seriously, don't worry about it. Whoever you approach to take over the running of the house, tell them I won't ask for the loans back. It's not a problem. I'm sure they'll take my word for it. Why wouldn't they?

Hey, it's been two years. Long time no see. I see you're doing a lot better these days. Well done, we're all happy to see that. So your income has gone up? Excellent. And the guy running the house? Right, removed the expensive under-floor heating and basically ran the house well within your means, so you're now paying for the running of your own house. Well, that's excellent. And the success you've had has brought you additional income which you're hoping to invest back in the house? Interesting.

Can I have my £4million back now? Sorry, what I mean is: I'm taking my £4million back now. In instalments - I don't want you out on the street. But you'll have to sell the nice sofa. Oh, and I would cancel those plans to invest in the house. Thanks.

The moral of the story? Don't put all your eggs in a can of worms.

And so to the much-ignored Diary postbag - some of your letters have been left to get a bit damp in the bottom of the bag. First up is Sue Firth in response to West Yorkshire Diary's question about playing lots of games in a month. Sue says: "With so many other parallels being drawn between this season and the '97-98 one, I'm surprised that he didn't recall that Town also played nine games that March." Shhh. See what you did? You mentioned a promotion season and then we lost. Shame on you.

Next in the bag is Siddhart who apparently is an "Online Link Building Manager", whatever the fuck one of those is. I'll be honest: I didn't get further than that in the letter. Siddhart, if you're reading this - you're not - stop sending us your posh spam. Seriously. I know it's not the first email you've sent. Please, in the nicest possible way, fuck off.

Finally, David Burton has written to share his childhood memories. David writes: "Reading Miss Diary on Monday made me think back to my childhood. I remembered Twizzle with his extending arms. He would have made an excellent keeper, no doubt. My viewing in those days included Rag, Tag and Bobtail, Tales of the Riverbank, Andy Pandy, Noddy, The Woodentops and Bill and Ben. No sign of football then but a few years later, along came real live viewing at Blundell Park. Childhood is innocence and they say that innocence is bliss but I'm still pleased I grew up to witness the pain and ecstacy of being a Grimsby supporter." Ah, none of that innocence in kids' TV these days, what with Michael Owen's Gambling Den on CBBC and John Terry's Racism For Beginners on CITV. Still, at least we still get the pain and ecstacy of supporting Town. Mostly pain, true - but that makes the ecstacy more, er, ecstatic.

Anyway, have a good weekend and don't have nightmares about rich men buying you houses. Seeya.