Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 2 July 2012

2 July 2012

Luton are the 43rd most followed football club on Twitter. You can buy a stick-on mullet for £5.95. A snail can sleep for three years. What does all this mean? Nothing and everything, much like your typical Town day, week, month and season. Your Deviant Diary is left with a wistful air of diary déjà vu. But remember we're wisting for you, so you don't have to. Like Diana Ross, we windswept diary divas are atop a mountain in a sequinned dress still waiting for a) a girl like you, b) the train that never comes, c) the worms, or d) a sense of seasonal direction?

As Town's disappointing summer form continues, today's the day when that helicopter arrives to whisk us away to paradise. The fixture list has emerged from the closet and who do we think we'll be kidding on 11 August? Why, it's none other than our old friends the Sandbaggers of Southport. We shall march on Merseyside! Looking down that fixture list, it looks like a series of events every few days, sometimes in Cleethorpes, sometimes not.

Everything changes but nothing does.

Roll up, roll up, step right this way. On the Mariners' magical mystery tour satisfaction's guaranteed. The quasi-Greek right-back, Sam 'Thesunhasgothis' Hatton, has identified the key ingredient to success. Just like overachieving, unbeatable England at those Euros, it's all about team spirit, and there's no better place to get drunk than in the pub. So why not recreate the spiritual home of itinerant footballers in their place of work? "We've got a pool table and darts board at the training ground." No word on whether it's fully licensed or BYO. Prominent John, the upright citizen and law-abiding bigwig, would insist on all local by-laws being met, of course. The man loves the law.

Let us move from the beach and into the dense forests of the land of humbug, hubris and hypocrisy.

Beware, they're here already, they're coming to get your lettuces! Britain's leading curtain-twitcher fanzine has found another angle for an Anglo-Saxon feeding frenzy of frothing over them foreigners and their foreign ways [warning: Daily Mail link]. The Spanish and their dubious practices: boring, broke and now bullying our indigenous slugs.

Something Must Be Done! But not just yet: I've got a wet weekend to plan somewhere among that splatterfest of fixtures. This is the first day of the rest of our lives. Again.