Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Saturday 10 September 2011

Conference Premier

Grimsby Town 3 Duffy (32, 47), Wood (86)

Hayes & Yeading United 0

Attendance: 2835 (17 away fans)

Ooh the sponsors like someone who tries hard, and no-one tries harder than Liam Hearn. He deserved several goals for a persistent pricking of the lead balloons of London, as his shots kept kissing thighs. One day his prince will come.

In context, some were really poor -€“ the avoidance of an avalanche was down to our striking failings as much as Arnie's terminator thighs. Two free extra toppings does not a summer make, Mr Duffy Duck. Let's look positively, as we are instructed. Disley was ultra-professionally competent throughout, providing a thin and crispy base for the Town pizza topping. But let us reward the man who never stops, for never stopping. Tireless Liam Hearn. He was tireless and is getting much more accurate in his missing.

4-4-2. 4-4-2. 4-4-2. 4-4-2. 4-4-2. 4-4-2. 4-4-2. 4-4-2. We can be happy at the score and the result and we can be happy at the number of chances created. But we can't be happy that we only scored because the Haysters insisted we cashed in by refusing to accept a series of Duffy cheques. Hearn was irrepressible, Disley was dominant and their keeper had an excellent 88 minutes, but the number of clear and absolute chances offered up on a plate and thrown in to the bin was alarming. Town should have won by double figures. Defensively Town relied upon McKeown's alertness to sweep up the droppings, and the H&Y determination not to shoot. Town were easily unravelled by Hayes in the first half -€“ very easily. No-one expects any of the strikers to score, no matter where they are standing or how open the goal. At least chances were created though, regularly like clockwork. Our tactical application of Boyle's Law to football worked today and the opposition was ground down and worn out. Enough to stay up, not enough to go up.

The blue butterfly is generally thought to have the shortest life span of all butterflies and only lives up to a maximum of a few days. These lolling lepidoptera fluttered beautifully for 45 minutes, then died after the Duffy double-take. Admirable and impressive on the eye in attack, they simply made Town look foolish when they started to weave their baskets. All passing and movement, a cohesive silky-smooth contraption that brought moments of panic, but finally spluttered to a halt against the concrete and clay of Town's unit 4-4-2. Ultimately, they couldn't shoot and couldn't defend, creating moments of danger in both penalty areas. This species of Blue Square butterfly acted as agents for Town's pollination. They deserve to survive, for they haven't taken the easy option of going for brutes and big balls. They just look a little too flimsy physically and mentally. It would help if their defenders didn't keep setting the opposition strikers up with deft flicks inside their own penalty area. They were not going to leave Blundell Park without making Duffy score. We should wish them well for the sake of football.

Can't be too fussy when a relaxed victory rides over the horizon. We reclined and declined to get too carried away, noting that the Sincil Bankers were on the water slide without a paddle.

Mr R Clarke (Northumberland)
A bullet-headed, bull-necked no-nonsense wheelclamper who didn't do anything wrong at all. It helped that The Hayes and The Yeading were thoroughly decent chaps who came to the seaside to play in the sand, but this ref stamped on sandcastles and the causes of sandcastles: 8.323.

Town scored three!

Town only scored three (with huge helping hands).