Cod Almighty | Article
by Rob Cavallini
3 June 2010
As a Grimsby Town fan bought up in Barnet I have had more than my fair share of Conference football. I blame my dad: he said Grimsby were really good and he would take me to all the games. He lied on both counts. On the free Saturdays of my youth I spent most of my time on the terraces of Underhill cheering on the Bees with their all-out attacking style employed by manager Barry Fry. It was never dull. I was laughed at in the school playground when Grimsby bought Keith Alexander from Barnet, but I lost interest when they got into the Football League. I returned to watch Barnet (2003-2006), but again one season of fourth division football was enough to persuade me to return to working for Corinthian Casuals in the Isthmian League, who I have helped since 1998.
Why is this? Well, in truth fourth division football is crap, expensive and depressingly dull. Football in the Conference is usually pretty entertaining and certainly value for money. When Barnet were promoted in 2005 the differences in the style of play between the two leagues were particularly evident. Barnet were a team of pretty boys who liked to play football in a way Alan Buckley would have been proud of. As soon as the rest of the fourth division teams worked this out, they kicked lumps out of them and the ball rarely touched the floor.
So be warned: you may actually enjoy the Conference! Let's hope we can do a Doncaster. (Who ever thought they would be thinking that?)
I will not bore you with talking about the recently relegated League clubs as you have all been to these places and know plenty about them, so I have immediately crossed Oxford United or York City, Luton Town, Rushden & Diamonds, Mansfield Town, Cambridge United, Wrexham, Kiddermister Harriers and Darlington off the list.
Altrincham
Altrincham would have been a League team had it not been for Grimsby - and Luton. Both teams had agreed to vote them into the fourth division in 1980 at the Football League AGM, under the old re-election system. It turned out neither team voted as the Grimsby representative was in the wrong area at the time, while the Luton man arrived late. Rochdale thus survived in the league with 26 votes to Altrincham's 25. I visited their stadium for a friendly against Blackburn Rovers a few years back: it was a friendly enough place. Altrincham are the strongest club in the league who are still semi-professional.
Barrow
Yes, I know they were a Football League club, but they lost their place in 1972 and can anyone remember going there? Barrow are another semi-professional club although last time I heard, they were debating the merits of going full-time. They have just lifted the FA Trophy at Wembley, having beaten Stevenage in the final. Barrow are one of the few clubs who have a hooligan contingent, so be warned: Town will be seen as a scalp.
Bath City
City hardly need an introduction after last year's FA Cup debacle so I will not bore you. Bath were promoted in the play-offs after beating Woking 1-0 in the final, which is a notable result in itself. Bath is a fantastic city with good night life, and if you fancy a bit of culture why not visit the Roman baths?
Crawley Town
A great chance to abuse the cheat who is Steve Evans (ex-Boston United in case you forgot). Crawley have a boom and bust existence and spend most of their time getting points deducted for one infringement of the rules or other. Once you negotiate the roundabout system of Crawley, they have a nice bar if you are allowed in. There is very little around the stadium for pre-match beverages, but at least if we lose it's not far from Gatwick airport so you can at least go and relax somewhere warmer.
Eastbourne Borough
Eastbourne Borough were known by the name Langley Sports until 2001. They were also playing in the Sussex County League as recently as 2000, which is parallel to the Northern Counties East League in the pyramid. Borough, by all accounts, are an excellently run club with a good set-up, although if you are looking for an alternative break by the seaside you are best to avoid the place as it is tailored for the over-60s.
Fleetwood Town
Those of you who thought Grimsby had no chance of playing at stadiums like Highbury again, you were wrong: Fleetwood's ground is called Highbury Stadium. In their promotion last season they robbed us of a chance to meet up with Nicky Law again, who is currently managing Alfreton Town, Fleetwood's opponents in the play-off final. It seems they were not the most popular club in the Conference North last season as they were deemed to have bought promotion. They also whinged like a bunch of babies when Farsley Celtic went bankrupt and they lost points which would have seen them go up as champions, as both they and Southport had played them twice, but Fleetwood had got maximum points. Southport were promoted after finishing one point ahead.
Gateshead
This is the second reincarnation of Gateshead since the town's club lost its Football League status in 1960. Gateshead United knocked Town out of the FA Cup in the 1970s, while we have yet to meet the new version. They're an ambitious lot, having been promoted three times since 2004, and have just announced that they will go full-time professional before the 2010-11 season. They currently play at the soulless International Athletics Stadium, but moves are afoot to build a new ground soon.
Hayes & Yeading United
Formed as recently as 2007 through a merger of, um, Hayes and Yeading. Yeading were founded in 1960 and shot through the leagues, winning the FA Vase in 1990 and achieving national prominence after reaching the FA Cup third round in 2005, only succumbing to Newcastle United after conceding two second-half goals. Hayes. on the other hand, have a much more illustrious past, having been a good amateur club for almost all of their existence. They achieved notable FA Cup scalps against Fulham, Bristol Rovers and Cardiff City. The new club was promoted via the play-offs in 2009 and comfortably avoided the drop.
Histon
Histon almost became the first village team to play in the Football League in 2009 and hail from the village of Histon and Impington, just north of Cambridge. The 2008-09 season was the most memorable in their history as they reached the Conference play-off semi-finals, losing to Torquay United, and also knocked Leeds United out of the FA Cup. They failed to build on this success last season as politics behind the scenes seem to have undermined their efforts on the pitch.
Kettering Town
I never did like Kettering from the days of following Barnet. It is not really clear what they are hoping to achieve in the Conference. They cannot be promoted, due to ground issues, and have a short lease which may mean the club disappears in a couple of years. They famously once employed Paul Gascoigne for a couple of weeks as manager and then, shock horror, suddenly realised he may like the odd tipple and promptly sacked him. Kettering are usually on the verge of the play-offs without quite making it and the annual 'will they, won't they' debate will then rage as whether they'll be allowed to compete in them. Ultimately they usually do the Conference management team's job for them.
Newport County
County are a reincarnation of the league team that was relegated in 1988 and went bankrupt in February 1989. Newport have since fought their way up from the Hellenic League and 2010 sees them finally achieve a return to the Conference Premier. Under the management of Dean Holdsworth, County have swept all before them and won the Conference South by a record points margin last season. The town centre is well worth a visit and from what I remember had a pleasant pedestrian area with plenty of bars scattered around it.
Salisbury City
Salisbury City are managed by ex-Mariner Tommy Widdrington and struggle by with meagre crowds, while retaining their full-time professional status. Widdrington has done a good job overcoming points deductions and guiding City to two promotions in 2006 and 2007. The Conference has expelled Salisbury due to their financial situation; however, the club is appealing the decision and the rules tend to be ambiguously worded - watch this space!
Southport
Southport is where Steven Gerrard goes for a punch-up! The club won the Conference North in 2010 and returned to the Conference after an absence of three years. They were in fact full time between 2006 and 2008, but this turned into an unmitigated disaster and the club was relegated in 2007. There is a semi-recent Grimsby connection in that Paul Futcher played for and managed the team. The highlight of his period with Southport came in 1998 when he became the oldest player to play at Wembley in the FA Trophy final - a narrow defeat to Cheltenham Town.
Tamworth
Tamworth are known as the Lambs, a reference to their stadium being called the Lamb Ground. The club has played in the Conference for all but two years since 2003 and has enjoyed reasonable success in the FA Cup during that time, reaching the third round twice. It's not the most inspiring place to visit and last time I went there the most appealing option was a run-down working men's club with no-one in it. Nothing against these clubs, but it is always nice to integrate with the human race.
Wimbledon
AFC Wimbledon were formed in 2002 following the original Wimbledon's relocation to Milton Keynes. A noble effort, but they have generally just annoyed teams as they progressed through the leagues with their 'we are too big to be in this league' attitude. Every teams director's loved them, however, as it was always a big payday. (If I had not moved to another country then it would have been handy as I could have walked to the stadium from my last house!) The club, based in Kingston, boasts two friendly bars and Town are still popular there after the Wembley match against the Franchise. Just up the road is the Sir Robert Peel pub where the gentleman will enjoy the scenery. One pound in the jug is customary. Beware of Kingston's one-way system!
The FA Trophy
The FA Trophy is great fun if the manager decides to take it seriously. Any shrewd manager should be able to negotiate the early rounds as you can meet anyone from levels five to eight of the pyramid. Then wait and see if you have a chance of promotion and that usually determines how seriously teams take it from that point. It could be the chance to play the mighty Gainsborough Trinity in serious competition or even Brigg Town. Don't we still owe them for that 1883 Lincolnshire Senior Cup defeat?