Cod Almighty | Article

by Michael Shelton

1 July 2010

Well hello there, Darlington. Let's talk about you.
Good evening, Darling. Your place or mine? Darlington's nickname is the Quakers, after the religious movement which had a significant influence on the town way back when, and not after any brand of porridge oats. They're a proper club with a hundred years of history. They've fallen on hard times, which is something all Grimsby fans can empathise, and sympathise, with. They first played league football in 1889, as founder members of the Northern League in 1889-90. Grimsby first played league football in 1889, as founder members of the Combination. They play in black and white; they're from a working-class north-eastern town: I think of them as our poor second cousin who married into money but suffered a painful divorce. Come on y'all, share the love.

If you haven't been to a football match in Darlington since they moved in 2003, their ground is much, much nicer than ours. We're talking absolutely none of those pissing posts obscuring your view of the action. There's a big screen showing replays of those oh-so-near misses, plenty enough parking for everyone right there on site at the ground, and (sorry to labour the point if you've read a guide of mine to Darlington previously, but it's vitally important) the club crest on the soap dispensers in the modern and rather pleasant toilets. Going there is like a sad reminder of when we used to visit big famous grounds as a matter of course to see plucky Grimsby battle gamely in the second flight.

This was actually a big crowd at Darlo: 8,640 turned up here to see them lose 5-0 at home to Carlisle in March 2005. Photo: Southern Comfort (cc by-sa 2.0)

Except it's not quite like the good old days: you see, the football's likely to be shit. And comically, despite having 25,000 seats, county and local planning regulations restrict Darlington's attendances to 10,000. This is not as much of a problem as you might think, since the standard of football on display in turn restricts attendances to two or three thousand. So don't expect one of those there 'electric' atmospheres. The place will feel empty, and you'll find yourself admiring the ground rather than the football experience it provides.

So how did it all come to this? Well, George Reynolds basically. Darlington's former chairman had read in his little book of proverbs that 'fortune favours the brave', but the page warning him 'cheats don't prosper' was stuck to the one next to it. Reynolds, a convicted tax evader (in 2005) and smuggler (in the 1960s), took ownership of the club in 1999. Ambitious attempts to sign big names (particularly in the north-east) such as Faustino Asprilla and Paul Gascoigne followed. In 2003 Darlington ended 120 years of history, moving from their Feethams ground to the Reynolds Arena, as described above. Within six months they were in administration. In January 2004 Reynolds resigned as a director, but the damage had pretty much been done. In February 2009 Darlo were back in administration. The debts from building the stadium proved too much, not to mention the astronomical costs of running a 25,000-seater ground despite never getting gate receipts from more than 5,000 fans.

Darlington have history in the FA Cup, though this is not to say they have enjoyed any outstanding success, and they've never progressed beyond the last 16. In 1955 a replay against Carlisle United (played at Newcastle's St James' Park) was the first ever FA Cup match between Football League clubs to be played under floodlights. In 1999 Darlington and Gillingham both qualified for the third round of the FA Cup despite Gillingham beating Darlington 3-1 in the second round. Manchester United were playing in the World Club Championship in Brazil and did not enter the FA Cup at the third stage. A draw was made of the 20 teams who lost in the second round, and Darlington were the 'lucky losers' allowed to progress. Darlington's history in the FA Cup began in 1885, when their first match was an 8-0 defeat by a team from some insignificant east coast fishing town unlikely ever to be mentioned in these pages.

Their traditional rivals are Hartlepool United. A few days after my 21st birthday my housemate and I were walking from the ground to the rail station after seeing Grimsby come back from 2-0 to draw 2-2. A single Darlington fan started walking in tow with us and telling us, without invitation or introduction, the story of the monkey who was hanged in Hartlepool for being a French spy. He was then really, deeply put out when we got on the train back to Durham rather than staying in Darlington to let him finish his story. "Just a minute, just a minute!" he kept pleading as we boarded. So, to summarise, they don't like Hartlepool. There's great potential for a local rivalry with Gateshead to form should the two stay in the same division for any period of time, or any particularly vicious matches occur, given the proximity of one place to t'other.

Do you come here often?
No, not really. Darlington were the only team worse than us in the fourth flight last season. They had a solitary season in the Conference in 1989-90 under Brian Little, but that aside they were been a Football League fixture since 1921. Darlington fans will have been as dispirited at dropping out of the league as we Grimsby fans were.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Yes – Grimmo and Darlo have shared a division for the last six seasons. Last season we drew at home in a game we thought we had won comfortably. And then there was the thrilling away victory at Darlington late in the season, as the agony was prolonged with a bit more false hope. Historically, the Mariners just have the edge in the head-to-heads: 19 wins to Darlington's 18 in the league, three wins to their two in the FA Cup, and one win each in the League Cup (a competition neither side will have to worry about this season).

One of the 387 names given to the White Elephant Arena since Darlo were shoved there in 2003. Photo: Ingy the Wingy (cc by-sa 2.0)

What can we do when the sun goes down?
Not much. The Feethams ground was in the town centre, but the new stadium is on the outskirts on some sort of soulless industrial estate. There's one crap pub nearby (bad beer, uneven pool table, non-functioning quiz machine) but I won't go there again. The town centre is a better bet, with some nice pubs in and around the market square, but then you'll need a lift out to the ground.

If you want a weekend out in that part of the world, I would make two recommendations: go early and have a beer and some food in the genuinely beautiful nearby city of Durham, or stay late and have a cracking night out in the genuinely cold nearby city of Newcastle.

Vital statistics
Last season
League placing: 24th, fourth division, P46 W8 D6 L32 F33 A87 Pts30
Home and away rankings: 24th and 22nd in the division
Average attendance: 1,943 (rank: 23rd in the division, 100th in England)
Mileage travelled: 4,129

This season
Squad size: Darlo's official site reckons 37 (as at 24 June) but this has got to be bullshit
Odds on winning the league: 9/1 third favourites (Blue Square)

Do say
"Gee, I much preferred The Feethams."

Don't say
"That George Reynolds chap seems like a thoroughly good fellow."

Don't say unless you've got ages and no train to catch
"So, tell me about the monkey hangers."

Do you know Darlington? We want your recommendations for local pubs, cafés or B&Bs, to feature in our pre-match factfiles during next season. Use the Cod Almighty feedback form to send them in – or to share any other thoughts you might have about our Rough Guide to the Conference.