Cod Almighty | Article

by Mark Wilson

30 July 2010

Well, hello there, Luton Town. Let's talk about you.
Holy hullabaloo, where do you start with Luton? David Pleat skipping across the Maine Road turf in his Hush Puppies and geography teacher suit. Wembley win against the mighty Arse. Ricky Hill, Brian Stein, Foster and his headband; glory days. Plastic pitch. Rioting Millwall fans, membership cards, Tory outrage. A fall from grace that makes ours look studied and slow. Thirty-point deductions. Almost out of existence. New ground, no new ground. Mike fucking Newell. Nick Owen. Chucking coins at York players. A proper club with a fascinating history. Sometimes it's so unbelievable that you wonder if you only ever read it in the Daily Express.

The links with Town are many and varied: scene of the Bonetti chicken incident, sticking seven past them in the FA Cup, one of the clubs the Great Lord Futch played longest for, Mike fucking Newell, Matt Tees played for them. We'd have been in the Conference a year earlier if it weren't for the 30-point deduction the season before last. One of the few grounds on planet Earth we can look down our noses at. Mike fucking Newell. When I last had a season ticket the bloke I went with came originally from Luton.

That spectators must sort of walk through the downstairs of some houses to get into Kenilworth Road is surely a thing to be cherished rather than scorned

I'm tempted to make their local rivalry a write-in competition as it's so bizarre and unexpected. They hate Watford and Watford hate them. It always strikes me as the kind of rivalry agreed between a group of blokes in a pub who realised that they didn't have a proper rivalry so they'd make one up, stuck a pin in a map and went "Ah, Watford." In summary, Watford supporters think all Luton supporters are chavs, and there are some racist overtones in light of Luton's large Asian population. Luton fans think all Watford fans are chavs, the ones who aren't are posh and rich. And it's not far down the M1. They haven't been in the same division for about 1,000 years, so derbies are rarer than Ashley Cole's moments of self-doubt, but they do muster up some ugly scenes when they meet in the cups now and then.

I sense from a number of people I know who support Luton (particularly my window cleaner) that they also have a new bête noir: our good selves. Because they feel aggrieved that they got relegated and we didn't. Expect a warm welcome at Kenilworth Road if you're going. Here's the rub though: whenever I go to Luton (which is frequently) I always feel it's what Grimsby would be like if we weren't by the sea and we had a large ethnic population.

Do you come here often?
Last season was their first in the Conference and they made the play-offs but got well beaten by York in the semis. As mentioned above, they wouldn't even be here if the FA applied the same rules to 'big' clubs as they do to 'small' clubs in a financial tailspin and who can't afford to employ a decent lawyer who could rip the FA apart in two seconds flat. They would have been replaced by us, because we were shit.

The club was formed in 1885 and was the first professional club in southern England, paying players from as early as 1890. They joined the Football League in 1897, moving into Kenilworth Road in 1905. High points were the late 1950s with a spell in the top division and an FA Cup final and then the Pleat years through the 80s, which saw a consistent top-division presence and highest ever league position of seventh in 1987. A year later came that famous League Cup win over the mighty Arsenal. That win brings back fond memories of sitting in my student flat with the most arrogant Arsenal supporter on Earth, who had spent the previous month telling me and his other flatmate that the League Cup final was an inevitable and inexorable milestone on Arsenal's march to further greatness. I will never forget the look on his face as Luton came storming back into the game late on. I don't think any of his 'mates' stopped laughing until 1988.

They also won the Football League Trophy in 2009, beating Scunthorpe at Wembley. Beating... Scunthorpe... at Wembley. We should love 'em!

Highlights from Luton's win over Scunny in the 2009 Football League Trophy final, expertly nicked off of Sky

They really fancy themselves this coming season. I asked a Luton-supporting mate how he thought they would do and without missing a beat he said they'd win the league. They retain a full-time squad, have made a number of decent-looking signings in the close season and maintain that with Stevenage and Oxford gone the way is clear. Look out for George Pilkington in the middle of defence, Claude Gnapka on the wing and Tom Craddock, who scored 20 or so goals last season. Their pre-season has been a bit enigmatic with wins against Marlow, Hitchin and Bedford and a thumping from Alfreton. A couple of games against XIs from Liverpool and Newcastle may be more stretching than Hitchin away.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
The Hatters have been our 37th most frequent opponents through the years with a total of 38 competitive meetings. Unlike so many other examples, we have the better record against them, winning 39.47 per cent of those games, versus 31.58 per cent lost and 28.95 per cent drawn. Continuing in this nerdish vein, an interesting observation is that we didn't play them at all between 1900 and 1920, during the 1930s or the 1970s. Draw from that what you will. Maybe they didn't have a map in those decades.

Goals have always been plentiful at games between us, the first meeting being a narrow 6-0 defeat for Town (with four goals against the run of play, I understand). Four-, five- and six-goal matches are peppered throughout our history and the goal avalanche peaked with my own favourite, a 7-1 rampage at BP in the FA Cup third round in 1996, when a rampant Town side took apart a bewildered and beleaguered Luton. Ivano Bonetti ran the show and looked every inch a former European Cup finalist. Ironically, it was away at Luton a month later that the Bonetti era reached its denouement as Town got beaten in a game they controlled and led before caving in in the last 20 minutes or so. Laws went ape, Bonetti said/did the wrong thing, the chicken (or chicken sandwiches) went flying, and the board decided to back the manager despite him assaulting another employee.

What can we do when the sun goes down?
Hilariously, the EnjoyEngland website maintains that the main attraction in Luton is the Arndale Centre. It was one of the first malls in the UK. But it's just a shopping centre. And the outside of it is a great example of 1970s concrete-orientated town planning – it's an ugly monstrosity. But the Mossman Collection is one of the finest collections of horse-drawn vehicles in the UK. Luton Hoo used to be the home of Lord Mountbatten but is now a posh hotel with a spa.

Luton has lots of pubs and clubs, but I wouldn't go into the centre of Luton after about 9pm without body armour. Which is a view I share with Beds police. If Luton stands out for one thing it's the variation and number of restaurants, particularly from the subcontinent, that pepper the town. You will not struggle to get a good meal in Luton, especially if you like curry and get away from the town centre and eat near to the football ground. The town centre has a great Chinese as well.

Lots of shops, all in one place, anyone?

Vital statistics
Last season
They started last season very strongly, then had a major dip, leading to Mick Harford's departure. He was replaced with former Walsall manager Richard Money, who turned things around with a very strong finish to the season.

League placing: 2nd, Conference Premier, P44 W26 D10 L8 F84 A40 Pts88
Home and away rankings: 4th and 2nd in the division
Average attendance: 6,948 (rank: 1st in the division, 56th in English leagues)
Mileage travelled: 2,401

This season
Squad size: 22 (as of 31 July)
Odds on winning the league: 7/4 fav (Blue Square)

Do say
"Luton is a friendly, small club who have been badly treated by the FA and football's fat cats. Mike Newell is a cock."

Don't say
"You deserved to go down."

With thanks to Roger Sharratt and Alan Blake for their (one-eyed) view from Luton!

Do you know Luton? We want your recommendations for local pubs, cafés or B&Bs, to feature in our pre-match factfiles during next season. Use theCod Almighty feedback form to send them in – or to share any other thoughts you might have about our Rough Guide to the Conference.