Cod Almighty | Article

by Denby Dale

6 December 2005

Chester City 1 Grimsby Town 2

Good day to you fellow Mariners and welcome to the Deva, sorry, Saunders Honda Stadium, with stands the size of shoeboxes. On arrival, I was welcomed in by a very excitable tannoy chap totally carried away with 'Hi-Ho Silver Lining'.

The Town team was as expected, hi-ho silver lining up in the oddly familiar 4-4-1-1 formation: Mildenhall; McDermott, Whittle, R Jones, Croft; Cohen, Kalala, Bolland Parkinson; G Jones; Reddy. The match was under way with a cough and drop of the microphone from the most annoying tannoy chap in world... ever.

First half
The match was indeed under way but there was nothing for us Town fans to enjoy. Chester had loads of nippy, clever strikers. Thousands of 'em. With Town having a lack of nippy defenders it was looking like a long evening. The heart jumped with Macca and Crofty filling the full-back slots; the heart sunk when they looked too slow to cope with Blundell, Branch, Lowe and he with silly hair like an Argentine striker, Ben Davies.

The first ten minutes were all Chester, all four attackers playing their own little game of five-a-side. "Passing and movement," a wise man once said; fortunately, the end product was similar to that bygone era.

On ten minutes, Town's first attack of sorts. Kalala played the ball to Bolland, who never looked like scoring and booted the ball miles over. That blip aside, Chester continued to look dangerous. Branch let fly from long distance only for Whittle to punch the ball clear on the edge of his own box; not that he owns it or anything, as far as I know.

Chester were dominant but it was Town winning all the corners. Seventeen minutes gone, a corner from Parky found its way to Whittle on the edge of the penalty area. In one wonderful movement he skipped inside the defender creating room to slice the ball miles wide.

Straight down the other end for what seemed like eternal Chester pressure. Bolland gave the ball away to Lowe, who played in Branch in the right channel. Clear on goal, he dragged the ball wide of the left post. Clearest chance so far, should have done better, a collective sigh from the smattering of Town fans.

Now do you want to see something you've never seen before? You will not believe your eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to football's first ever cartoon character central defender: Inspector Gadget Rob Jones. Go go Gadget head. Go go Gadget leg. Go go Gadget head, again. Go go Gadget mistimed tackle, in the book you go.

Another Chester attack, and somehow Macca left marking two players, the ball played to Davies and his bloody stupid hair but no way past Sir John, providing the necessary blockage. A bit of space for Kalala, pulling strings like a Congolese puppeteer. McNiven blatantly pulling him back, yellow card. A booking too for Kalala; windmill impressions aren't allowed on a football pitch. Cracking gesticulation from this season's Frenchman.

Midway through the first half, referee Singh decided he wanted some, no, all of the limelight. Lowe falls over, free kick Chester. Lowe falls over again, free kick Chester. Reddy is bundled over for the 87th time, play on chaps. Mr Singh's sheepdog trial impression was wearing thin, especially as he only turned it on in the Town half. On one occasion Parky was used as a park bench by a Chester defender but that sort of thing is allowed. However, when Ben Davies decides to collapse under a particularly hefty challenge by a blade of grass, free kick Chester.

Half hour gone, first Lowe volleys over the bar then flicks a header wide. Lots of half chances for the stripes but Mildo (snigger) never needing to make a save.

With half time approaching, yet another Chester chance. Tom Curtis made a rare foray forward, screamed for the ball sounding like a woman winning a tenner on the lottery, but comfortable stuff again for Mildo.

Now I've enjoyed seeing Crofty back in a Town shirt, where he belongs, but he's not looking in the best of shape. Injury-wise, it's not surprising, but someone really ought to tell him that Dave Gilbert has left the club, meaning that short passes to the left wing will go out of play as Parky will more than likely be hiding from the ball between two giant defenders.

Three added minutes of time de stoppage. Chester attack once more, the ball running out for a corner, but Mildenhall decides it's a good idea to keep the ball in play so that Ben Davies can hook the ball into the empty net. Cleared off the line. Nice one Crofty. But, oh no, the ball's been smashed into the net by someone or other. Good job the ref finally decided the ball did go out for a corner.

And with that it was half time. Town had loads of corners which came to nothing. Parky's delivery was impressive but none of our legion of six-foot-plus players were making the most of them. Set piece team? Pah. Chester should have been two or three up but for poor finishing and the best player in a yellow shirt, Rob Jones, winning anything within reach, which covered most of the pitch.

Annoying tannoy chap decided that half time was an opportunity to bore everyone with an anecdote about a car, some keys and a washing machine. I suggest you ,dear reader, make up your own anecdote with these items but add in some aliens or something.

Second half
Second half began and those cheating Chesterites decided to play the ball to feet from the kick off, knocking the ball around and creating a chance for Lowe, whose shot was easily saved. And I thought it was an unwritten law for a kick off to be booted into touch.

Town decide to attack, hurrah for that, a cross from the Town left targeting Rob Jones' Gadget forehead but Bolland, of the Phil variety, chose to wrestle the big man to the ground. Penalty! And we have a proper penalty taker now and everything. A confident Kalala confidently picked up the ball, placed it confidently on the penalty spot before confidently sending MacKenzie the wrong way to give Town an undeserved, but confident, lead.

But just a couple of minute later, Chester broke from absolutely nothing. Blundell found himself free on their right, knocked a simple ball across forLowe to slide home. They deserved that.

At this point the match turned into an old-fashioned, 'Motson in a sheepskin coat'-style cup tie. End to end, so it was, but with Chester looking the more likely. Having seen Gadget Jones win everything first half, they decided to start playing low balls into the channels for their nippy strikers to scarper on to.

Then the chance for Town to retake the lead. Fifty-eight minutes gone and one of a zillion balls played forward for Reddy to chase actually found him. Off he went but with two defenders blocking the route to goal. Like Grimsby's travelling female supporters, both were attracted to Reddy, leaving Andrew Parkinson all on his own. Reddy almost took too long to play Parky in, but play him in he did. Parky skipped inside an ice-skating centre-back, middle of goal, 15 yards out, keeper stranded, majestically placed the ball wide.

Once more, Reddy was given another ball to chase: not one of those aimless punts into the corner but one he could reach. Storming into the box, he smashed the ball into the side netting. More Chester attacks, but still they don't make Mildenhall earn his corn/peanuts/whatever it is goalkeepers earn theses days; iPods, possibly.

Just as I was thinking that Cohen, although looking quite dangerous second half, isn't a winger and that Slade should have brought on Newey to play left midfield - Parky over to the right, Cohen up front with Reddy - up steps our management team with an odd move. Off goes Cohen and on comes Terry Barwick. Reaction around me made it clear that Barwick isn't the most popular player at the club because, er, well he's from Scunny innit. Boooo. But on he came, and I have to say, without the ball he looks like someone who would be chosen last on the school playground but on the ball he is very tidy. Moments later a second penalty for Town! Barwick, tripped on the edge of the box. Hold on. The ref's given nothing and I appear to be the only person in the stand to have appealed. Never mind.

With 15 minutes remaining the unbelievable happened. Michael Reddy had been tearing the Chester backline apart all match but it's a hair-for-hair replacement in Gritton. Howls from the travelling howlers. Hold on a sec, he's just having a drink, the ineffective Gary Jones subbed instead.

Now Town looked the more likely. Barwick's cross was blocked into the path of our soon-to-be knighted rampaging full-back, who made a mockery of a feeble challenge. Sir John played the ball to Bolland, whose belter was deflected over.

With just ten minutes remaining, Super Martin Gritton found himself in a left wing position on the halfway line. Looking up, he spotted an opportunity to release Reddy. The ball ricocheted off their rubbish Maltese international defender to Reddy who was away. No-one catches him at that pace. One on one with the keeper, he caressed the ball into the net, right in front of the jubilant Town fans.

Five minutes left and a double substitution for Chester. Bertos and Richardson on were for Davies and Blundell, and it was a relief to see the back of them. Oh no, Reddy's been taken off too, not so folks, another false alarm, more fluids required.

Five minutes of ineffective Chester attacking with more 'thwack the ball for Reddy to chase'-style antics from Town. An extra three minutes to play, an extra three minutes for Chester to win loads of free kicks but do nothing with them. In the dying moments, Reddy was replaced by Tony Crane to a chorus of "you flat mattress" from the Chester fans. Well, something like that.

Amusingly, their sponsor's man of the match was rubbish Maltese international defender Luke Dimech, the Town faithful reminding him that a haircut is long overdue.

And it was all over. Yet another away win makes five in a row and equals the club record, fact fans. Second half Town were impressive. I never doubted Russell Slade's substitutions, not me, not for a second, ahem. Mildenhall did what he had to well. Rob Jones was awesome first half. Macca grew as the game wore on, seemingly attacking more from full-back than he does from right wing-back. Kalala the pick of the midfield. Parky provided some cracking corners but the difference between the two sides was Michael Reddy. They couldn't cope with him; simple as that.