Cod Almighty | Article

by Chris Mills

15 July 2006

Bristol Rovers? Who might they be?
Well, a fourth division football club, obviously, or is that a little too 'rough' for you? OK, I won't leave it at that.

Interesting little club are Bristol Rovers. Strange nicknames, it has to be said. First they were called the 'Black Arabs'. Yes, that's right. Could a nickname be any more controversial? Your guess is as good as mine, but they wouldn't get away with it today, unfortunately. Later they were called the Gasheads. Presumably not because they actually had heads filled with the fossil fuel or they were dumb in any way but because of the gasworks located next to their old ground. Most recently they have been known as the Pirates. So many clichés, so little time (had I best apologise in advance?). Apparently Bristol has a seafaring tradition, and the word 'Rovers' is synonymous with pirates, as are the club's blue and white quartered shirts. Let's be honest, though – when was the last time you saw a pirate wearing a Bristol Rovers shirt? More to the point, when was the last time you saw a pirate at all? Ahoy there me hearties.

Ifs, maybes, buts and mights. Four little words, each being the vast difference between hope or anguish, elation or sorrow, glory and defeat. They seem to get everywhere these days, whether it be a source of excuses or a spark of light at the end of long tunnels. If your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle. If the eagerly awaited second Pirates of the Caribbeanmovie is half as good as the original, it might be worth watching. If Town had turned up at Cardiff we might not have been left in this wretched division for another season.

And if Bristol Rovers stepped out the shadows of their older, more attractive, more popular brother, realising their own potential, they might just get promoted themselves one of these years. They haven't won anything for 16 years and their most noteworthy accomplishment before that came in 1953, when they were champions of Division Three (south). They were, in fact, an original member of the very first third division in 1920 and seem to have stayed loyal ever since, spending a large majority of their league history searching for the trapdoor of the basement, with little aid or light. The Gasheads' current stint is in its fifth year after a brief romance with the second and third flights in the nineties.

In modern times, believe it or not, they've even had more managers than us – each apparently as useless as the last, delivering nothing more than false dawns and empty promises. Ian Holloway took them to the play-offs but lost. Gerry Francis was forced to resign. Garry Thompson nearly sunk them, taking them the closest they've ever been to relegation from the Football League. Caretaker bosses Phil Bater, Russell Osman and Kevan Broadhurst all simply stopped rots. Ian Atkins developed an annoying habit of good starts but disappointing endings with no real middle. He'd never make a successful author, or football manager, come to that. Oh arrr, dead men leave no tales, I tells ya. The treasure remains unfound.

Last season
They tried hard, they really did, but they weren't good enough, they really weren't. They showed a lack of consistency and lack of creativity, similar to Town's over recent years. They finished, almost stereotypically, 12th. They lost more than they won and drew eight fewer than that. They conceded more than they scored and recorded a rounded 60 points, par for the course. They didn't excel, nor did they disgrace. A fair reflection of their history, in fact. 

The lucky things had the pleasure of playing the Mariners three times in total, losing at home to a late Rob Jones header in August but taking revenge back at BP, the swine, with victories in both the league and FA Cup.

Rovers had the second highest average home attendance in last season's fourth division, just shy of 6,000 Gasheads, no doubt replete with eternal optimism. Bristol is a big city, though, you must remember, with 4,000 more preferring to watch that older, more attractive, more popular brother of theirs. Given the choice, I'd probably join them too: Phil Jevons plays for City now.

Anticipate with relish
I'm not sure really. I've never been to Bristol and therefore can't point you in the direction of any particular tourist attraction that caught my eye. Nor have I been to the Memorial Ground, so I can't point you in the direction of any particular pub or any of that jazz. It's not a very big ground but it's got four stands and looks homely enough. Decent atmosphere as well, I imagine.

Isn't Bristol on the way to Cardiff, by the way?

Anticipate with dread
It's been all go for Junior A-go-go. Spelt as it sounds, I think. May I apologise for becoming the 1256th writer to apply a pun to that poor man's name. He must be bored of it. You must be bored of it. I'm not.

You know the one, ex Barnet, big forehead, scores goals for fun, especially against us. He bagged 18 last term, 20 the season before that and another 20 the year previously for the Bees. Constantly a transfer target for nearly every Football League club. Even Russell Slade was rumoured to be interested in him once. Therefore, if he still is a Rovers player come August, like a true pirate, expect trouble when he's around.

Apart from that, it should be plain sailing, shouldn't it? Can Stuart Campbell really be classed as a 'threat' these days? Bet you'd forgotten him already, hadn't ya. He was always too nice.

The way forward
There is still just enough time to appear in the club's team photo, if you're interested. I presume the majority of you would have entered our own club's competition if you wanted to do that sort of thing though. The new away kit is out as well, dark blue with yellow trim, not my cup of tea but available at 35 quid a pop.

Not a lot appears to be going on at the Memorial Ground right now though. The quiet before a storm, perhaps? The official website has scraped the proverbial barrel and reported news about ex-player Christian Edwards retiring after being released last season. I'd retire if I had hair like his as well though.

Apart from a few players signing new contracts, most notably midfielder Craig Disley, there doesn't appear to have been a lot of transfer activity of late either. The fact remains, however, that Rovers will need to strengthen if they are to challenge for promotion this season, since they fell short and way too early last time round. Agogogogogo is their only real focal point, like the Humber Bridge to Hull, as they have a lot of players 'good enough at this level' who can 'do a job' but not really capable of winning matches or scoring many goals. You know – the actual object of the game.

My guess is they'll start poorly. The current boss will be brandished 'a load of' Trollope and get the boot, leaving director of football and ex-Town chief Lennie Lawrence to take over as queen bee. He'll bring in flops and false potential to help save the campaign, pay them too much and end the season unemployed as well. The team will finish middle-bottomish and plummet back to square one. You may laugh now, but what a difference 12 months could make. 

Bristol City however? Well, they're older, they're more attractive, they're more popular. They'll win promotion.