Rough guide to... Peterborough United

Cod Almighty | Article

by Sam Metcalf

1 July 2006

The bridesmaid is KeithPeterborough United? Who might they be?
Who are they? WHO ARE THEY? They're the club Barry Fry doesn't want anywhere near his face, yet they continue to tickle his jowls like an over-attentive pissed uncle does to his rather attractive second niece twice removed at a family wedding. They are the Posh. No-one likes them, they don't care. Literally, no-one likes them, not even the locals. In a town (or is it a city?) as wide and sprawling as this, it's not unusual to be loved by anyone, or to see only 3,000 turn up at London Road. Sign o' the Times? They ain't seen nothing yet... enter stage right Hoof Alexander...

Last season
They dillied, they dallied, they dillied with the top seven all season, but they never came through. A good run of results in January and February – where they won seven of 12 games – lifted Posh up into fifth. Perhaps not unsurprisingly, this run of results coincided with the sacking of that enfant terrible of the football management world, Mark Wright, who probably started bitch-slapping coach Steve Bleasdale, or something. Mind you, Fry did put the whole of the squad on the transfer list over Christmas, so that's enough to give you a proper tammy huff, isn't it?

Wright should have done well, really. Surely Barry Fry isn't that had an act to follow. But when a manager stops shaving, like what Wright did, you always have to worry. Imagine if Russell Slade hadn't shaved his head the night before every game last season. We'd have been petrified that Town weren't going to play Brazil 1970-style footy.

Anticipate with relish
I've been to London Road three times to watch Town, and each time we've lost. However, Posh do very good pies. And there's a car park right next to the ground to get your stereo nicked from, so that's handy. However, getting out of the ground is usually a twatting nightmare, cos there's usually a scrap going and the fuzz close off the centre of town. It took us four hours to get back to Nottingham one time. And we didn't even stop at a Happy Eater.

As for the game, well, we all know how what style of play we're gonna be facing now. If we can replace Jones at the back, we should be fine. Rodger knows the score.

Anticipate with dread
A sort of dreaded link comes in the form of Glenn Richards, who has signed from Woking, managed, of course, by Glenn Cockerill. Richards scored 22 goals for the pretty crap Woking last season. So he's bound to knock in a couple against us. Peterborough always seem to have pacy strikers who run rings round us.

The way forward in the air. Alexander's not gonna change the way he likes his teams to play. I think Peterborough will do just fine. Hoof will have a bit more money to spend on players who can kick the ball high into the air and dirty bastard defenders who can kick seven shades of lavender out of the division's forwards.

If they don't get to the play-offs, el Fry may well get even more miffed, mind. However, I think they will. What works in Lincolnshire usually works in Cambridgeshire – especially if we're talking about incest. So, as sure as your mother's your brother, Posh will finish sixth.