Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 17 June 2013

17 June 2013

Ah, the lathering blather of June is like the sparkling sparkly spa waters of Bath in Avon – the ritual cleansing of the soul, purging and purifiying the mind in readiness for the nonsensical nonsense ahead.

After a weekend of amateur sausage making and professional salad avoidance activity, your Extra Special Bonus Edition Blu-Ray Compatible Diary can tell you that making a sausage is just like Tony Crane's shorts: the trick is in the fat content. These dog-eared dog days of non-football lead to madness, mithering and tubular meat fascination. And it's the 40th anniversary of the release of Tubular Meat this year. Not my cup of tea: too much inconsequential noodling, like Iniesta and Xavi playing jazzball.

Back in our world there's panic in the streets of the former county of Humberside, southern section. It's been a long, cold, lonely winter of two weeks since Town signed someone called Scott. The taller one with the shorter fuse has issued a proclamation: "We don't want any mistakes this year." OK. Have you ingested those words of wisdom? Repeat them. Now think about the opposite. Last year they wanted to make mistakes? Shoutyman: the diary gift that keeps on giving.

For those who didn't read Saturday's local ragamuffin tabloid, or aren't assiduous twitpeople, the club has sold some of those naff new shirts to the fashion-unconscious, Grimsby's Hoxton set. And Town's top-notch troubadour has got his brain in a pickling twist trying to explain why the Burton banned can come back only if they buy a season ticket. And the Mariners Trust chairman has got his knickers in a twist over Fentycon's brain pickle. There's several shimmering yards of shiny Fenty baiting, which'll keep this week's set of diarists going before Town sign Scott Scotland from Nova Scotia United (unless old Mardy wants to go to the pub again). Topcon John: the diary gift that keeps on giving.

The ice is slowly melting. Here comes the fun.