Cod Almighty | Match Preview

25 August 2013

Conference Premier

In a nutshell

Although starting slowly last season with only two points from their first seven matches, Hyde put together a half-decent run towards the end of the year and were looking relatively comfortable.

But the new year saw the bad form return with only one win until a great run of five wins in March saw them just about safe. Not a bad first season in the Conference National for them, though: they turned over Wrexham, Luton and Newport as well as Town.

This season they're without Jevons who managed 15 goals for them last term. Jevons signed for Stockport at the end of the season, but moving in the opposite direction was young striker Tom Collins. With three goals to his name already this season, it doesn't look like too bad a deal for Hyde.

On t'internet

The official site looks a lot like that of many teams who have recently been at a level below the Conference National - it's not quite as bad as the Football League efforts, but it's no great shakes either.

Other than that all we can find is a solitary messageboard which, to be fair, seems more active than most of the Town ones at the moment.

Overall record: P2 W1 D0 L1 F4 A3
At Blundell Park: P1 W1 D0 L0 F2 A0
At their place: P1 W0 D0 L1 F2 A3

Previous encounter: 22 January 2013

Hyde caught Town in the middle of a good run of form in the new year, just before the March crumble. Despite this Town struggled to string a pass together until the introduction of Thanoj (for Niven) and Cook (for the once again ineffectual Brodie) in the 60th minute.

The team was thus transformed into a purring, prowling, cohesive attacking unit, and with the help of a couple of late Cook goals made the victory appear more straight-forward than it was.

Last two meetings, home and away
W Grimsby 2-0 Hyde (Conf Prem, 22/01/2013)
L Hyde 3-2 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 06/11/2012)

Last meeting at their place
L Hyde 3-2 Grimsby (Conference Premier, 06/11/2012)

How you doin'?

Recent form
2 points from 12
D Wrexham 2-2 Hyde (Conf Prem, 24/08/2013)
D Hyde 2-2 Hereford (Conf Prem, 17/08/2013)
L Hyde 1-2 Southport (Conf Prem, 13/08/2013)
L Forest Green 8-0 Hyde (Conf Prem, 10/08/2013)
W Hyde 2-0 Wigan (friendly, 03/08/2013)
D Hyde 1-1 Burnley (friendly, 31/07/2013)

Goalscoring superstar heroes
Collins (3 goals)
three players (1 goal)

Dirty, dirty boys
Tomsett (2 yellows; 2 points)
three players (1 yellow; 1 point)

Stat!
The 1994-95 FA Cup first round tie between Hyde and Darlington was the last non-qualifying FA Cup game to be played on an artificial surface.

How we doin'?

Recent form
7 points from 12
W Grimsby 3-1 Alfreton (Conf Prem, 24/08/2013)
L Welling 1-0 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 17/08/2013)
W Gateshead 1-2 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 12/08/2013)
D Grimsby 1-1 Aldershot (Conf Prem, 10/08/2013)
L Grantham 2-1 Grimsby (friendly, 03/08/2013)
D Gainsborough 1-1 Grimsby (friendly, 02/08/2013)
W North Ferriby 2-5 Grimsby (friendly, 30/07/2013)

Goalscoring superstar heroes
Hearn (2 goals)
four players (1 goal)

Dirty, dirty boys
Disley (2 yellows; 2 points)
Pearson (2 yellows; 2 points)

Stat!
The 3-2 loss to Hyde was Town's only away defeat in the north-west last season.

Referee for the bank-holiday fixture will be Mr Ross Joyce of North Yorkshire who has been a Conference level ref for.... ooh, let's just say a while. Last season he handed out 101 yellow and five red cards in 31 games. That's about three yellows per game and a red every six games.

Mr Joyce loves officiating Town games. Well, perhaps he doesn't - either way, he's been involved in a hell of a lot over the last few seasons. Are you ready? 2012-13: Southport (h); Hyde (h & a); Wrexham (h); Alfreton (a); Barrow (a). 2011-12: Gateshead (h & a); Lincoln (a); Barrow (h). 2010-11: Tamworth (h); Barrow (h)

So what have we had to say about our friend Ross for those matches. Try these:

• "stern lectures to the naughty kids in class were his method of non-control throughout" - 5.7233
• "He took a strange attitude to similar events, dependent upon the colour of the shirt. " - 5.001
• "he kept time accurately and was alright, if not always right" - 6.998
• "significantly failed to punish two monstrous early assaults on Marcus Marshall" - 3
• "Nothing for a Townite to complain about" - 7.358
• "He got a lot of little things wrong, but nowhere near anywhere that would cause offence to ladies who lunch." - 5.765
• "Never gave the impression of a man in control" - 4.5
• "Made a series of strange decisions, so that every time the whistle sounded, the players and crowd alike stopped and waited to see which team had been successful in his free-kick lottery." - 1.8
• "For a Conference referee he was acceptable." - 6.4323
• "A pernickety irritant who was a stickler for free kicks being in exactly the right place." - not deserving of a score

Ross spends what spare moments he has re-enacting scenes from previous Town matches he has officiated. He uses the local dog and cat population for the players and his wife and children stand at the side of the garden as the spectators hurling abuse at him.

In summary, then: not him again!

Roary the Tiger? Really? So ok, you're the Tigers because, I don't know - Hyde is famous for its fucking circus or something. We know that lot on the north bank are called that too, but after that whole 'mauled by a tiger' episode they were stripped of their professional title and have reverted to amateur status.

Y'see Hyde, up here with the big boys you've got to take your football seriously. We have proper mascots, with proper names and proper tenuous links to faded heritage. Sort your shit out, eh?

The odds
Town 11/10 (Bet Victor)
draw 12/5 (Various)
Hyde 13/5 (Betway)

We say: Town were mostly poor away at Hyde last season, and we don't expect Hyde to be push-overs this season either. They will be bouyed by a draw away at Wrexham, even if the Dragons themselves have had a slow start. Not a defeat for Town this time, and they may nick it late on, but we're going for the draw.

Our record this season
Wins: 2/4
Previously: £1 staked at 20/21 returns £0.95
Pot: £3.28

The ground: Football Ground Guide
Getting there: Google Maps
Gaining entrance: £14/4 standing. £7 for OAPs
Nearest station: Newton for Hyde - about ten minutes walk. There are regular connections from Manchester Piccadilly
The weather: Current forecast

A swift half?

Last season we nipped into the Sportsman Inn (near the big supermarket) for a couple of jars - and very nice it was too. It even has a Cuban restaurant in the upstairs function room - we didn't try the food but what we saw ordered by others looked very tasty.

A few others tried the social club next to the ground - let's just say reports were less favourable. Just go to the Sportsmann - it's only about ten minutes walk from the ground.

Stonehenge may be the most famous, but there are over 900 stone circles of various size in Britain.

Alpha Papa
extra time off work
a strange sense of duty