Cod Almighty | Match Preview

12 September 2013

Conference Premier

In a nutshell

That lot who turned us over five-nil the other year. Yeah, they're still here. Finished 12th that season and then ninth last term. This season? Exactly the same record as us. Still averaging gates of about 1,000. Not going anywhere fast, either up or down. They're loud, they're proud, get used to 'em. A Dagenham & Redbridge for the fifth rather than the fourth division. That's an analogy based on persistence and inaccurate geography rather than footballing style: Braintree can pass the ball a bit.

Facts? You want facts? Since changing their name from plain old Braintree in 1983, Braintree Town have recorded 20 top-six finishes in 30 seasons. That, gentle reader, is a winning habit.

On t'internet

We can't find any independent offering, sadly, although the official site is worth a look if you want to test your eyesight by reading very tiny text and you can't afford a visit to the optician.

Overall record: P4 W1 D1 L2 F4 A8
At Blundell Park: P2 W1 D1 L0 F4 A1
At their place: P2 W0 D0 L2 F0 A7

Previous encounter: 19 February 2013

Quite bad, really. Goals in both halves from Luke Daley ended Town's 18-match unbeaten run in devastatingly straightforward fashion. Wrexham won at Gateshead to overhaul the Mariners at the top of the Conference Premier table, and despite the Shouty manager hoping it was "a blip", life has never been quite the same since.

Last four meetings, home and away
L Braintree 2-0 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 19/02/2013)
W Grimsby 3-0 Braintree (Conf Prem, 17/11/2012)
D Grimsby 1-1 Braintree (Conf Prem, 03/03/2012)
L Braintree Town 5-0 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 16/08/2011)

Last two meetings at our place
W Grimsby 3-0 Braintree (Conference Premier, 17/11/2012)
D Grimsby 1-1 Braintree (Conference Premier, 03/03/2012)

How you doin'?

12th in the Conference Premier: P7 W3 D2 L2 F7 A6 (GD1) 11pts

In league with...
11th Grimsby 11pts
12th Braintree 11pts
13th Luton 10pts

Recent form
10 points from 18
D Braintree 1-1 Forest Green (Conf Prem, 07/09/2013)
W Macclesfield 0-1 Braintree (Conf Prem, 31/08/2013)
L Braintree 0-3 Barnet (Conf Prem, 26/08/2013)
W Dartford 0-2 Braintree (Conf Prem, 24/08/2013)
L Braintree 0-1 Kidderminster (Conf Prem, 17/08/2013)
W Braintree 2-0 Woking (Conf Prem, 13/08/2013)

Goalscoring superstar heroes
Enver-Marum (2 goals)
four players (1 goal)

Dirty, dirty boys
Wells (1 yellow, 1 red; 3 points)
Massey (1 red; 2 points)

Stat!
Braintree are one of three Conference Premier teams still unbeaten away from home. The other two are Cambridge and Nuneaton.

How we doin'?

11th in the Conf Prem: P7 W3 D2 L1 F8 A6 (GD2) 11pts
...semi-managerless

In league with...
10th Hereford 11pts
11th Grimsby 11pts
12th Braintree 11pts

Recent form
10 points from 18
d Luton 0-0 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 07/09/2013)
L Grimsby 1-2 Nuneaton (Conf Prem, 31/08/2013)
W Hyde 0-1 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 26/08/2013)
W Grimsby 3-1 Alfreton (Conf Prem, 24/08/2013)
L Welling 1-0 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 17/08/2013)
W Gateshead 1-2 Grimsby (Conf Prem, 12/08/2013)

Goalscoring superstar heroes
Hearn (2 goals)
six players (1 goal)

Dirty, dirty boys
Thomas (1 yellow, 1 red; 3 points)
Pearson (3 yellows; 3 points)

Stat!
Town go into this weekend's game with an indeterminate number of managers

Saturday's referee will be Martin Coy of County Durham. This is Martin's first season as a Conference level referee, but we see he's handed out 15 yellow cards in three games already this season. Calm down mate!

Martin lives off royalty payments to his father's estate – the legendary Reginald Derrick Coy. Mr Coy Snr was known to millions of kids as the voice of Robot Dad in the popular 1960s sitcom My Father is a Robot. He later went on to voice Dirty Duck, Phosphorus Pete and Jerry the puck before ending his career starring alongside Henry Winkler in The Fonz and Pals, an ill-fated Happy Days spin-off. 

Well, they're called The Iron so naturally their mascot is called Billy the Braintree... Bull. Shit! Come on. A bull? That's Hereford territory. Sort yourselves out, Braintreers. Things are getting desperate in the mascot world.

You could've had the Braintree Tree Brain, or the Braintree Iron Curtain, or Ironside or some other tenuous shit, I don't know, this isn't my job goddammit. Just get your shit sorted by the time we come back next season or we'll be pushing to get you expelled from the Conference. OK?

In the meantime popular, local drunkard Mighty Mariner will definitely get this bull by the horns. Time to get the hot iron out, Mighty.

The odds
Town evens (Coral)
draw 13/5 (Sporting Bet)
Braintree 3/1 (Various)

We say: it's not going to be easy. Town are still in manager turmoil and have injuries to key players. Braintree have had a mixed bag of results like Town, but have tended to do better on their travels. That said, we see Town somehow scraping a win here.

Our record this season
Wins: 4/7
Previously: £1 staked at 5/2 returns £3.50
Pot: £8.11

The ground: Football Ground Guide
Getting there: Google Maps
Gaining entrance: The usual. Plus exile tax for those who spend the most getting to the ground.
Nearest station: Cleethorpes
The weather: Current forecast

A swift half?

Now if the Blundell Park Hotel had anything vaguely acceptable to drink, they could be on to something. What's that? Freezing cold bottles of Newcastle Brown? Close your eyes and you could be back on the Barge in 1991.

In 2012 brain scanners in medical departments at the universities of Glasgow, London, Oxford and Cambridge faced periods of shutdown because of helium shortages. An estimated 8 per cent of the world's helium supply is used for filling party balloons.

Mark and Pete
BBC4
Tetley Original
Jonathan Coe, Expo 58