Cod Almighty | Diary

It's life Jim but not as we know it

3 January 2014

Mardy Diary writes: Why haven't we signed anyone yet? Booo! No ambition Town. Oh, I see – we've a level-headed manager who wants to ensure he brings in the right players at the right time to strengthen the squad, rather than making unnecessary panic signings which may have a detrimental effect on the (unusually good for us) team spirit. Gotcha.

One player who may be (temporarily) moving in the opposite direction is David Wellthoughtof-Youngstriker, who could be going on loan to Scarborough Athletic. Yes, I did just make that name up. Ace-named Scarborough manager Rudy Funk (no, I didn't make that one up) is hoping to secure the "very highly thought of" striker in time for their NPL Division One South match against United Federation of Planets antagonists Romulus (this is all true). I'm assuming this deal is probably on hold pending Town bringing in cover themselves. And Captain Kirk negotiating some sort of truce so the game can go ahead.

Oh, Martin Paterson's got a beard now. He looks older. And slower. And less scorey, hopefully.

In other news, Scunthorpe have joined fellow Lincolnshire-ites Boston in trying to get ahead of Town in the stadium building plans. They've recently revealed early drawings of their planned new stadium, which would, amazingly, make it their fifth ground move since they were formed in 1983. That certainly puts Town to shame.

Lincoln have yet to follow suit, but it is believed they are taking an alternative approach to a new stadium design. An anonymous insider has told us that their plan is to reduce the amount of football played at Sincil Bank to zero, thus helping the current ground get reclassified as brownfield and demolished. They'll then quietly close the club and pretend it never existed. Locals, having not seen any actual football in Lincoln for over 20 years, will not notice the difference.

Have a good weekend folks. If you haven't already, please take the time to support our vital campaign to reintroduce the endangered chip back to Blundell Park. Bollocks to a new ground – if there's no chips I ain't goin'.