Cod Almighty | Diary

Exciting deadline day title

31 January 2014

Mardy Diary writes: Welcome to your up-to-the-minute, rolling deadline day news brought to you in association with Dave's Meats ("BSE free since 1993").

Hurst has revealed that he won't be signing any more players before the deadline, but given his past form we're taking that as a coded message that he absolutely, definitely is just about to bring in another player. So, stick around for all the latest, breaking news. Here. On Cod Almighty. Now. Reading. With your eyes.

This just in: Andy Cook has been sent on loan, but not to North Ferriby United.

This just in: Andy Cook hasn't been sent on loan, and definitely not to North Ferriby United.

One player not joining the club is former goalscoring superstar hero Alan Connell. Alan has instead decided to remain in the League with the Grimsby team from 2009-10 (who have rebranded as Northampton). He is alleged to have said "remember when Barry Conlon moved from Bradford to Grimsby?" before winking at journalists and walking out of the press conference.

This just in: Andy Cook has left the building.

This just in: Andy Cook hasn't left the building. He is still in the building. Or a building, at least. We're just waiting for clarification from our reporter on which building he is actually in. More to follow on this.

Legendary South American almost-signee D'Wayne Fandango is currently settled at his new club in Italy (Parma Violets C) which rules out yet another move for his services from Grimsby. However, we are told that Hurst is still interested should things change in the next few hours.

Over now to our Fishy correspondent TONY CAPITALS. Tony, any news?

"THANKS MARDI!!111 IVE SEEN THAT LUTON HAV SIGNED A YOUNG PREM PLAYER WHO ONCE PLAYED FOR 3 MINUTES INA FRENDLY AGAINST MADRID!!11!!! SO THATS THE TITLE RACE OVER,, TIPICAL TOWN,,, NO AMBITSHUN!!!11!!!!!"

Thanks for that Tony. And we'll be back to Tony later for further updates. I'm getting an update on the Andy Cook situation. Let's go over live to our correspondent at Blundell Park now. John?

"Thanks Mardy. I'm told that Andy Cook is definitely in the building. I have confirmation from someone at the club that he remains in the building."

Thanks John. Do you have confirmation on which building he is remaining in?

"Yes. I was told that it's definitely the Grimsby building. Andy Cook will remain, for the next six months at least, in the Grimsby building. Although, I should add that he's not in the building at the moment. Well, he is – he's in his own building. Or rather, his house. But he will be in the Grimsby building – or should I say Blundell Park – tomorrow for the match. So, to reiterate, Andy Cook remains in the Grimsby building and he's very much still in Paul Hurst's plans. For this building. The Grimsby building".

Thanks John. Glad to have cleared that up. Back now to TONY CAPITALS for his view on the Cook situation. Tony?

"YES MURDI11!! CAN'T BELIEVE COOK IS GOIN TO NORF FERRUBTY. LEEST HES NOT GOIN TO THE LINSCUM POO WEE BUM CITY THO EH!!!11!! HURST SHUDNT HAVE LET IM GO, HES LOADS BETTER THAN THE SHIP111!!!111"

Sorry Tony, we've just heard that Cook is remaining in the building. Sorry, at the club.

"CANT BELEEVE IT. HE'S NOT GOOD ENUGH AND WONT DO WOT THE SHEP DOES. HE SHUD HAVE BEEN SENT TO NORF FERRIBY TO TUFF UP. AT LEST HES NOT GOIN TO THE LINSCUM BUM TITTY WEE WEE CITY THO EH!!!1111!!"

Er, yes. Thanks Tony. Let's look at what's happening around the rest of the clubs in the Conference then. We're hearing that Forest Green have made a number of huge signings including Paul Scholes, Andy Cole, David Batty and Martin Keown. We're also hearing they've appointed Kevin Keegan as manager. Keegan is quoted as saying: "I'd love it, love it if we beat Luton. Or anyone, really. Please?"

Alfreton, knocked back from signing any more Grimsby players, have instead signed a couple of players with tenuous Grimsby-related names. David Fisch-Dook and Norris Ruberman have joined on loan from Fictitious Non-League Football Team FC and go straight into their squad for this weekend's game.

Back to our reporter at Blundell Park. John?

"Thanks Mardy. We're looking for signs that the transfer window has closed at Blundell Park. This is usually signifed by white smoke coming out of Fenty's chimney. I'm on my way to Humberston now to assess the situation."

Thanks. And we'll be back to John shortly for the latest on transfer activity at Blundell Park.

Across the Conference then and news in that Wrexham have signed a lower-league attacking midfielder who has scored 974 goals this season already. Also, they're looking at a tough-tackling English midfielder who, under bizarre Welsh FA rules, is unable to receive a red card no matter how badly he tackles someone. What do you make of this, TONY CAPITALS?

"CANT BELEEVE TOWN DINT SINE THIS GUY WHOS SCORED LOADS11!! TOWN SHUD LOOK AT THIS BLOKE – STEVE – PLAYS DOWN MY LOCAL. BANGS IN THE GOLS EVRY DAY. FINK HES GOT LIKE A FOUSAND OR SUMMAT11!!!11"

Thanks Tony. What do you make of the Wrexham midfielder?

"CANT BELEVE THE WREXSCUM POO WEEWEE CAN JUS DO WAT THEY LIKE COZ THEYVE GOT THER OWN FA. ITS LIKE TOTAL BYAS AND PROBLY RACIALIST IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT MAHDDI111!!!!"

Er, yes. I'm sure. Thanks Tony. OK, here we go then. Over to John in Humberston. Any news John?

"Thanks Mardy. Nothing at the moment, although a seagull did just crap on the doorstep – but I'm not sure that's a sign. Oh wait! Here we go – yes, yes, I'm seeing white smoke come out of Fenty's building now. The white smoke is out of the building. That's it then. The transfer window has closed. It's all over."

OK, that's it then. A quiet deadline day for Grimsby Town. Thanks for tuning in. See you next year for more of the same.