Cod Almighty | Diary
Eating pie, in the sky, tell me why
20 February 2015
Retro Diary writes: After much huffing and puffing, some semblance of natural order is beginning to be restored in the Conference. Bristol Rovers, easily the biggest team in the division, are storming towards the summit, where Barnet, whose implosion is long overdue, are looking nervous. Town are a slightly collapsible-looking fourth, having thrown away silly points by the bucketload. What Macclesfield are doing up there is anybody's guess – they must be due an epic attack of the jitters. We are, nevertheless, at the stage that any prediction about the top five come the end of the season is now likely to be substantially correct.
Hursty gave another one of his enigmatic interviews after the Bristol game, in which he declared himself to have taken the experience as a "positive", and was glad to get a big game out of the way. Well, actually, you're only glad to get it out of the way if you haven't lo… oh, never mind. Still, not as bad as opposite number Darrell Clarke, who said of youth player Tom Lockyer, scorer of Bristol's winner: "He epitomises everything I want at the football club. He'd kick his own grandma if it meant winning a football match." Muppet.
We have heard enough of Hursty's interviews now to start dissecting them for common themes. We could start by dispelling some of our gently contented manager's commoner myths.
Myth number 1: there are 'good' teams in this league. We've seen Barnet. We've seen Bristol Rovers. They are big and organised. They are slightly brutish, cynical and whiney. They do the simple things correctly, and the dirty things at the relevant junctures. Are they 'good'? Well, it's a relative term – some teams are less bad than others, but 'good' is stretching a point too far. Any 'good' team would stuff either of them.
Myth number 2: you can't win every match. Well, actually you can, as Luton, Mansfield, and even Kidderminster have shown in recent years when they hit form. I'm sure it's true higher up the leagues that someone, somewhere will hold you to a draw occasionally, but no defence in the Conference is so good that it can't be carved open by even quite average attacking football. Ninety minutes is enough time to do this several times, which would win you any match.
Myth number 3: fourth is a good position for Town to be in. As we know, teams stratify strongly around their total player wage bill. We have the fourth highest wage bill in the division, which means that if we had a sack of potatoes, or indeed nobody, for a manager, we should still be fourth. And indeed, true to form, we are fourth. This means that the manager is, in effect, having no effect.
To give credit to Hursty, at least we're not lower than that. But if we keep finishing fourth year after year we could be part-time before we know it, and at that point we seek counselling for minnowdom and get used to Saturday afternoons that don't matter. For Tamworth, fourth would be a good position. For Town, top is a good position, until they introduce two automatic promotion places, at which time second will also do. Below fourth is a sign that we're doing something wrong.
Tomorrow's game with Barnet hasn't turned out to be the season decider we had hoped for. Sadly we have fluffed top spot now, and Barnet are wobbling. We should clearly play without fear tomorrow at the Hive, with its one proper stand and ultra-nice fans. Especially, of course, now that the Conference has found a ref prepared to send off John Akinde, who is suspended after his brace of bookable offences last week against Wrexham – the second one, hilariously, for diving.
For the record, I don't even think Barnet will go up. This week their fans, with an admirable understanding of the unforgiving nature of football, have worked out that 23rd is now the lowest they can finish. I kid you not. We plainly need to oblige them in their anticipated nosedive.
Town could take quite a few fans tomorrow, especially as London trips can always be doubled up with something more cerebrally rewarding than watching football in the world's most sterile stadium. Barnet's stewards are ready and versed in the etiquette of inflatables, and are instructed to avoid headlocks but take a pin.
Scott Neilson has signed for someone called Whitehawk, who sound kind of cool. Where in the country they are, don't ask me – I hope never to have to find out.
For us, Scott Brown and JP are close but won't start, and Ollie's hamstring is still troubling him. So last week's attack seems set to have another shapeless-looking run-out. For them, Akinde will be replaced by Gash.
Today's Telegraph contains an almost-full-page plan of the new stadium complex in the context of its vast 'enabling' housing estate. There will be a consultation event at the site of the new ground on Sunday, from 11 till 3. You can meet players and tell the club how unrelentingly supportive you are. It's reachable only by goat – park at the YM and strike out across country.
If anybody's interested, on this day, 20 February 1937, Town had their biggest ever home attendance – 31,651 against Wolves. My dad was also born on that day, but his dad missed the birth because he was at the footy.