Cod Almighty | Diary

Feeling gravity's pull

6 March 2015

Retro Diary writes: Wigs on! Tomorrow it's Woking, for the second of our themed away days. The whole themed thing puts us in rather a good light, I think, as long as we don't mind looking extra foolish if we lose.

Actually, I don't think we have much to worry about with Woking's fans, who are generally among the non-League's better sort, having to resist the temptations of no less than league-topping Chelsea in order to support their team. They will probably consider mass wig-wearing on their Chris Lane Terrace as a mildly amusing ephemeral installation piece of a peculiarly northern variety, although there is a small risk of making ourselves look like poundshop scousers (or just scousers), for whom curly wigs were once also a 'thing'. My suggestion is that we put our own spin on it with a money-raising 'spot the real Steve Wraith' competition at half time.

That the whole episode was started by a steward makes the hi-vis jackets idea into art of a much higher order, wasted somewhat, I think, on less cultured Alfreton. Suits at Southport will make us look like we're at a wedding, and wellies at Welling will of course be invisible on the terraces, unless worn on the upper body (the mind boggles), or if the crowd is unusually small. Gimp masks, suggested by one wag for Gateshead, would make us look like Millwall in the 70s, which I'm guessing is not something you'd do by choice.

Tomorrow's is the game that was on the telly then wasn't. Someone mooted the idea of televising it, Town put the news out, then BT, the FA and the BBC got together and decided that Manchester United v Arsenal night be a better bet after all. They evidently have the football-watching public down as a bunch of soul-dead glory seekers.

So-called 'safe standing' has been in the news recently, and seriously well done to Town for picking up the idea – although it's a pity we had to drop outside the Football League to do it. Safe standing, of course, actually means seats, but ones that fold away securely so that when you bounce up and down you can't trip them with your arse and do yourself a mischief. Anybody who's ever sustained an injury from bouncing in the seats put your hand up… thought not.

So my suggestion for the naughty end of the Pontoon is simply to get stewards to butt out when the youth want to stand up.  Saved your sponsor quite a few quid there, Town, if I say so myself.

And I have no intention of adding the nannying qualifier 'safe' to everything for the rest of my life either. You can look a long way up the leagues and still see folks standing on decrepit-looking terracing, and nobody's suggesting they're not safe. The things Town want to install are actually called 'rail seats', and they're not allowed in the league yet (Bristol City have a few but can't use them during a football match), but this peculiarly over-zealous bit of H&S seems set to change soon.

They use rail seats a lot in Germany where everything, as we know, is better, and if we do the same as them my prediction is we'll be beating Brazil 7-1 before we know it. Funny that any sort of seat should be meant for standing – they obviously got the idea from the East Coast Main Line. On that thought, it's about time for a cup of safe tea.

Some of us have been waiting with frayed nerves for the first commentator to describe Gooseman's Field, the site of Town's proposed new ground, as 'wasteland'. Right on cue, this depth was duly plumbed by the Telegraph's Geoff Ford. To be fair, Ford's association with Town is deep and detailed, and his comments and analysis on the Mariners are invariably spot on. But if you want to know where he stands on environmental issues, first find Jeremy Clarkson on the graph, then look a long way down and right.

Woking have slipped somewhat, but have kept themselves in touch with the play-offs with two consecutive away wins at Lincoln and Dartford this week. They'll still have to put a good run together to close the gap, but they have six-pointers against Forest Green, Halifax and Gateshead to come at home. They have nothing to lose by attacking us hard tomorrow.

Woking's midfield looks particularly strong – Goddard, Ricketts and Betsy all have real quality. Kevin Betsy is a Seychelles international who must be wondering where the sun went. Despite being 37 and in his last season in the wet mud of the English game, this old campaigner is still a class act.

We also have to watch a certain Aswad Thomas at left-back, who I hear is dangerous on the overlap and has a good cross on him. He had a chance to figure prominently for a higher team but the idea apparently stressed him out. What really happened, it seems, is not for us to know – whether to hold it against him based on incomplete information, I haven't decided yet. In fact it seems I may not get the chance, as he has a knee injury. For them, McNerney is also doubtful.

For us, we have a fully fit squad to choose from, although that squad is a bit smaller, with Watson, Walker and Paddy all out on loan. Ollie Palmer returns from injury to face the club where it all started for him.

Unless we're asking Captain Dizzer to score a worldy all over again, it will help if we create more than a manager-delighting zero shots on target tomorrow. But we're away, so we probably will.