Cod Almighty | Diary

A hard Wayne's gonna fall

13 March 2015

Retro Diary writes: Who'd have thought – who would have thought. Six home league defeats, anaemic draws at home to Nuneaton and Dover within a single week, one shot on target at home to Braintree. We concede a last-minute equaliser to a pushover-looking Altrincham away, and let that wanker Brodie celebrate a winner for struggling Southport in front of the Main Stand. We let Lincoln do the double over us, in the away match showing extraordinary creativity to manufacture defeat by the use of a reverse ectoplasm formation. We put a likeable striker who can't shoot and never attacks the near post on the teamsheet first every week. And whenever we go one up, we take off anyone who might possibly score and play the rest of the game on our own goal-line.

Who would have thought that by mid-March we would still be five points off top spot with a game in hand?

So have we been wrong? Is Hursty actually a tactical genius, more intelligent than the whole crowd and entire community of pundits? Well, he has put together a decent squad – although we may merely be seeing what the buying power of one of the division's biggest budgets can do. But that's unfair, and I'm going to banish that thought forthwith and give Hursty credit for his acquisitions, at least.

Does it mean that our team spirit is getting us through? Maybe – the mysterious disappearance of the 'left wing two' was suspicious; dressing-room politics must have been involved, or why do it? Who knows how much difference that has made – it is, after all, an experiment with no 'control'. But the scenes after Woking last week made encouraging viewing – except for the wigs of course, which put the whole thing just on the cheerful side of disturbing. Dizzer looked like Keith Lemon, which you can never condone, even in victory.

Our success could mean that the division is just crap from bottom to top. Actually, you'd have a job arguing with that analysis. Bristol Rovers are the only team in the division with any gravity, and they didn't get their act together for quite a while. They are the one and only team I've seen who do the simple things correctly, and frankly I wouldn't want them in the play-offs – they would surely out-organise us over two legs.

We might have won four in a row, but we haven't achieved anything yet. My own theory is that this was our year to walk the division Luton-style, and we've made bloody hard, possibly suicidally hard work of it. There were lots of times we could have done things the obvious way and let the superiority of our players do the talking. But where's the fun in making it look too easy? Next year we could have Tranmere down here. Or York. Or Carlisle. So we can't mess about too many times when golden opportunities arise.

On the face of it, the fixtures for tomorrow aren't set up that badly, with three of the division's top nine teams having to drop points somewhere along the line. We have Chester away who, being placed right in the middle, should already be playing for next year's contracts without any further psychological encumbrance.

Last week was the serious and mucky business of their derby with the bitter rivals they like to call 'Wrectum', which they lost 1-0. Compared with nearby Wrexham, Chester is posh – it has more money, more people, but fewer football fans. It has Hollyoaks.

Chester's fans identify strongly with England and are prone to mentioning sheep a lot during derbies, despite their own pitch being a few yards over the border into Flintshire. They don't take defeat to the 'goats' at all well, and last week's result might have been bad news for us, but luckily they got their rebound out of the way in midweek when they won by the same 1-0 scoreline at Torquay.

The Deviants were of course 'relegated' last year, but then reprieved when Hereford went bust, in the same way that Dartford were also let off the hook when the good ship Salisbury City finally sank. This meant that Tamworth, who finished second from bottom, thought they were mathematically relegated a good long time before they actually were, which seems a little unfair. But nothing good in this life ever came from feeling sorry for Tamworth.

Chester's Swansway (formerly Deva) Stadium is stuck right out on the edge of nowhere, and is not a design classic. It was evidently built without either any serious ambition or the mental health of the fans in mind. It is the very epitome of what you pray your own club never does to you. Having said that, with Chester's turbulent recent history they are probably just happy to be watching football at all, and have a roof over their heads.

This is a club that was in such a mess that at one time the pre-match team talk consisted of the Lord's Prayer, and the manager, celebrated loon Terry Smith, appointed separate captains for defence, midfield and attack. At one point the club ceased to exist completely and the fans had to spend Saturdays doing something else. But as we know in football that situation seldom lasts long, and it reappeared in 2010 with a small puff of smoke, no 'City' in its name, and our own Gary Jones as joint manager. The club is now owned by the fans.

'Jester' is a derogatory term used about Chester by Wrexham, although it is by no means the worst, and I am assured they won't take a swarm of jester's hats in their away end as a jibe. I'm sure at this point I'm supposed to issue a hearty rallying cry to get the pointy headwear on, but I'm a fat lot of use because I don't actually know where you get one from. The only time I've ever seen one, in fact, is on a Town fan's head. We should certainly keep the fancy dress thing going if it helps and you can manage to source the items. I hope there are at least enough hats on show to chuck the players one each at the end, in the event of us not having to skulk sheepishly (sorry) from the field.

For them, having collected the requisite 52 points to assure safety, Steve Burr has pledged to do a little experimentation with "formations and personnel", which I always think is good news for opponents. Reverse ectoplasm and no keeper please, Steve.

For us, the main decision is whether to bring back Lenell after the birth (congratulations) of little Nyla Leigh. With both goals last week coming from excellent bits of speculative near-post poaching, the decision for me would be rather easy, but I don't pick the team.

Apart from that it's as you were – complete, we hope, with result.