Cod Almighty | Diary

Fishy folk in the smoke

13 May 2015

It's the Wednesday before the Sunday and I'm hoping to high heaven that this is the last diary that I have to write where I'm topping up this half-full glass. It'd be arguably the best feeling in the world to be writing next week's diary entry knowing that we won't have to use the word 'tinpot' ever again, or have to worry about taking a new girlfriend to Dover knowing that she might leave me at any point. I could take her to Oxford and fit in a quick trip to Bicester village. The dream.

Ahead of Sunday, have a read of this: it's good.

So, as I'm your London Diary, I'd thought I'd give you an unofficial guide to coming down to the big smoke. Now, some of you will have been down to Londinium before and I'll therefore be teaching you how to suck eggs. But sucking eggs was so 2013. We're sucking kale down here. Get on board. For those who don't make the trip that often and are making a few days of it, or maybe even just a night to get in to Fenty's Family Foto on Saturday, here are some nuggets which might help you.

Politics
Theoretically, we're run by Boris Johnson who is a Tory. He's fine as long as you ignore him. Much like what we do at Blundell Park.

Economy
It's bloody pricey. I mean, heart-attack-inducing pricey. A pint down here will cost you in the region of £4-£5. You're best finding a 'spoons. You might get a bargain at 3 and a half quid.

Travel
Little tip: if you're using the London Underground and you have a contactless debit or credit card, you can use that to travel instead of an Oyster. That way, it saves you having to top up and then having £4 left on it at the end of your stay and being annoyed that you have ⅘ of a pint of lager on your Oyster.

There's a cracking app called Citymapper which gets you around the capital quicker than Calum Best on a Saturday night. Don't ever look at a tube map. It was drawn by a man who has never visited England, let alone London.

Weather
There will be weather. Probably cloudy/smog.

Atmosphere
If you talk on the tube or train down here, people will hate you. You'll be all happy on your way to or from Wembley, and Londoners will scowl at you, knowing that you're going back to a place where you can pay £2 for a pint and have a mortgage that's the same price as their annual travelcard. Ignore them and sing your heart out.

Food
Loads of it. So much. Imagine Cleethorpes market place, and then multiply it by a million. Get involved. Do not have fish and chips, as you'll be so angry and end up wrecking the joint.

So there you have it. Have fun down here. Help yourself to whatever you want. Just leave it as you left it. Sing your hearts out in Wembley and pray to whoever it is you pray to. Let's do this. UTM!!