Cod Almighty | Diary

There's a tin pot at the end of the rainbow

1 June 2015

Hang up your clothes on the washing line, for Town've signed up Scott Brown, so this is our time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, summer is here.

June is bursting out all over, and your Deviant Diary is bursting with news! news! news! C'mon, let's take it easy at first. Everyone you'd want to re-sign has, 'cept Toto and Carl Magnay. Freaky Friday just had the good news a-rollin' in, topped off by the relocation of that bizarrely popular local bazaar. Dear old Lennie will be leading the line in Newport's next relegation campaign. Lenell John-Lewis: likeable, personable, but missable, Oh so very missable.

Is this just miserable Mariner moaning? Contrarian negativity not in keeping with the surge in local patriotism? A reminder of what John Still, manager of Luton, said before the beginning of last season. "Grimsby won't get promoted, not with those strikers." What would he know, eh, just the two promotions out of the Conference/National/Bananarama/Squirrel/Nationwide featuring Look North and now for some news from our part of the country League.

What is it called today? The National League sounds far too much like a Mediterranean neo-fascist splinter group. How about A Premier League? That'd fit in with the pyramid scheme ethos.

Oi Codalmightys. No! Stop this sniping, accentuate the positive. We're all feeling weirdly wonderful about life, Twittering up car sharing schemes for fuel poverty victim Carl Magnayficent. He could move to Doncaster and just get the train. If we're lucky during their wild weekend in Wythenshawe Scott Brown persuaded Carpool Carl to have a happy house-share in Humberston Avenue. I would say we all live in Hope, but that wouldn't solve the calamitous car conundrum, and the cement works are a blot on the landscape.

Other world events? Piffle and tosh, sir, but let us slip gaily across the dancefloor and mingle with those rancid rich relatives in our football family. The FIFA faff and the FA Cup? Mere details in history compared to Fentycon's Freaky Friday. So Sepp Natter got out of his Renault and was shocked, shocked to find corruption was going on in there, just as an employee handed him his winnings. Aston Villa. Very much the Meatloaf of football. A product consumed by people who don't really like football but know that social acceptance only comes with brand attachment. Or should that be bland attachment. Hello Dave. No, you can't use our toilet.

There's a cornucopia of commercial concerns this very morning, namely today's launch of Operation Promotion by the Mariners Trust – more of which later – and Town's skid-mark away kit. Tomorrow's chronicler will be weeping into their herbal tea if all that material got gobbled up by your grumpy old Deviant Diary, but I am instructed to issue a confirmation of the official Cod Almighty line on the Budget Boost campaign. Where's the Blue Peter-style totaliser in the shape of the Dock Tower? Booo Mariners Trusts, sort it! Local totalisers, for local people.

All this positivity is making me itch. Where's the hitch?