Cod Almighty | Diary

You can’t tie your shoelaces in the fourth dimension

6 July 2015

There's only one question on your mind: how can we get promoted? 4-4-2 and attack the near post. There you are. Easy isn't it.

Well good morning, judge, how are you today? It's Mr Deviant Diary, your ever effervescent elephant in the room, wondering when will they ever stop spouting about Grouting? Greece is the time, is the place and indeed is the emotion. Greece is the way we are feeling today as it gets its groove back and has a meaning.

Woah, a little bit of politics there. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Out! Out! Out! When that North Sea oil comes on tap nothing can go wrong. We disapprove of the Combination of Workmen Act too.

Ah, the mysteries of science. Being a high-falutin' reader, you too have wondered why mathematicians and mammals have a problem with knots, especially in the fourth dimension. A knot needs something to latch on to; otherwise it's a dangling, drifting thread of multitudinous man-made fibres slowly twisting in the wind. Town start their pre-season friendlies on Wednesday.

Oh sorry, you have an allergy to analogies and we're all supposed to be brimming with positivity aren't we. Hey! Yeah! Woah! Friendlies! Fixtures! Football! Right here, right now… on Wednesday.

Hey! Yeah! Woah! He takes the pressure, and he throws away conventionality. That belongs to yesterday. With Shorty's Super Six there is a chance that we can make it so far. We can start believing now that we can be who we are – Grimsby is the word. Is that positive enough for the lack-of-thought police?

Ooh, hang on there, Sloopy, let's back right up two paragraphs of piffle. Weren't The Fourth Dimension a dance troupe on the Val Doonican Music Show? Alas poor Val, we knew him as a man of infinite jest and most excellent fancy cardigans. No Greatest Album Ever list is complete without his 1967 summer of love kaleidoscope of psychedelic easy listening - Val Doonican Rocks… But Gently. Val's gone, Steed's gone, but Tarby and Brucey live on. It must be all that pro-celebrity golf.

I feel your confusion and pain. You have questions, you want answers. What have Val Doonican and theoretical mathematics got to do with Town, let alone the leisurewear and leisure activities of excruciating light entertainers? The fixture list came out last Friday, and some men have run around a field a couple of times. That's the parochial news: young men sweating and a trip to Kidderminster next month. Two lines ain't enough to fill your lunchtime sandwich, are they?

So go on, rush on down to BP to nab your tickets for Wednesday's big match, when Town travel to Grimsby to play Cleethorpes and you can start judging whether Bogle fever is an insane collective madness or rocket fuel to escape the Bananarama's sucking pull. This is a summer of illusion, mixed with confusion – so what are you doing here?