Cod Almighty | Diary

What are the scores, George Dawes?

17 July 2015

Retro Diary writes: There are one or two snippets of transfer news to report from the last week. Former Town target Kingsley James has taken his undoubted talents and flowing locks from Chester to Halifax. Ryan Bird finally got the chance he was looking for to reject Town, and has signed for Yeovil. Having lost two of our 'exes' in Oster and Rodman, Gateshead have given a home to two more, in Paddy McLaughlin and Simon Ramsden. The first is a really super signing for them, and yes, since you ask, the latter is still only 33.

Hursty is still looking for another striker, but is prepared to wait and get someone on loan if he has to. He has also confirmed that the fans' money helped to secure Andy Warrington as goalkeeping coach.

Town's annual pre-season routine, now well under way, traditionally comprises two sorts of matches. There are home games with League teams looking for friendlies they can win (shall we give a big sarcastic hello to Derby at this point), and away games with any club within an hour's drive regardless of quality, so long as their players don't actually smoke, and they have hot running water. So far, results are all good.

Liverpool, by the way, are going to Thailand and Australia on their pre-season tour, and Man Utd are going to America. On Monday night, Chelsea played Kingstonian – don't ask me why. And there was a time, believe it or not, when Town would also have forsaken the joys of Brigg and Gainsborough in the leafier months for the exotic charms of foreign parts.

One summer long ago, Town went on a pre-season tour of Iceland – a country of hot springs and pristine volcanic wildernesses, with whom we have both a shared interest in large sections of the North Sea, and for the same reason, a modest exchange of genes. Ahem.

Naturally, Town arranged a few matches against local Icelandic teams, but between times the hosts organised some activities and excursions for the visiting party. One such excursion was a boat trip around some of Iceland's rightly famed dramatic rocky coastline. The players were instructed not to wear their best suits for the trip, but weren't told why.

This, of course, was an instruction duly ignored, and the players turned up for the trip dressed smartly. The boat set sail, and for a while the passengers marvelled at the imposing drama of the island's sweeping geology. At one point the boat entered a cavernous sea cave, in which the cries of nesting seabirds echoed around with eeriness and forboding. The boat was showered with guano, and the Town players on board were trapped like sitting ducks. Many a good suit was splattered into fishy oblivion.

On the last night of the tour, the Icelanders organised a 'do' for the departing team. Such hilarity had the boat trip incident caused that the Icelanders proudly presented the Town team with a fine stuffed puffin as a memento. The bird still sits proudly in Town's trophy cabinet, keeping a watch over a modest clutch of tableware.

And that is why our trophy cabinet contains a puffin.

Next week, I'll tell you about the steward who was attacked by a shark. He came out of it without a mark on him but apparently underwent an out-of-body experience. Having decided that football is 'not for him', he is currently asking his employment agency if they've got anything in a library.

Gainsborough away tomorrow, kick off 3pm, and the forecast is for a fine July day. UTM!