The Diary

Cod Almighty | Diary

Danny > Liz

10 August 2015

There we are then. Glimpses of how and why this Grimsby team is more talented and more able than any other in its league. And finally a reminder of how and why this talent and ability have not, so far, converted to the league title they warrant. In the current sunny climate we will, of course, give Town the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they're taking the positives rather than settling for second best again. But Kidderminster was basically a repeat of Chester, and it doesn't take many ropey repeats before the licence fee payers start grumbling.

As a youth your original/regular Diary used to marvel, every Sunday afternoon in front of Football Italia on Channel 4, at the way Serie A sides could ruthlessly shut up shop once they'd snuck in front. The bolt was drawn. It wasn't about flair and dazzle: it was about efficiency and efficacy. To deny any value in that, however, to deny this tactic its place in football, you would need to know and appreciate nothing about the game, or be Mark Lawrenson.

But wait. We're hearing some breaking news. Grimsby Town are not in Serie A. And you know what? Even the best Conference players don't have the nous to pull this tactic off with any sort of reliability. That's why – as my colleague Mr Butcher pointed out after Chester – the teams who become champions of this league are not tight-defending, efficient, low-scoring catenaccio outfits. They're free-scoring, free-wheeling, buccaneering bastards. You don't one-nil your way out of the Conference. You take a lead and you extend it. You assert your supremacy.

We're not talking Ossie Ardiles' Tottenham, but we're clearly not talking Arrigo Sacchi's Milan. Getting the best players is only the first part of it. We've done that. The second part is to let them be the best, for 90 minutes, week after week. We still show little sign of doing that. Hurst can berate the players all he likes, but these are his tried-and-failed tactics.

Just as we came away from Wembley a few weeks ago having failed to beat Bristol Rovers but making a heck of a racket, Town fans spent Sunday diligently looking up and down the leagues at everyone else's away attendances. The ultimate intention of this exercise in dignity and self-assurance is, of course, to prove that we are bigger than Jesus and the Beatles combined, despite having failed to beat Kidderminster Harriers.

Well, we know all that already, don't we, so I've been diligently looking up and down the leagues to see how the teams with my favourite names got on. Swindon Supermarine, you will share my joy to discover, began the season with an excellent 3-0 win away at Banbury United. Victory, too, for the joyously monikered Great Wakering Rovers, who comfortably saw off Soham Town Rangers at home by two goals to nil. My favourite names treble was denied with the mellifluous Billingham Synthonia, who sadly went down 3-1 at Tow Law Town. But in the end, I won't feel too bad if my favourite names don't get promoted: instant emotional insurance with no Freudian size obsession. Please do tweet or email us, folks, with the football club names that bring you happiness.

Furthermore, a couple of days into the 2015–16 season, and six weeks into the life of my second child, Second Baby Diary, I have discovered that the Grimsby version of the "Allez allez allez oh" chant doubles excellently as a lullaby. Better still, if used while burping after a feed, try singing the words while performing the back-patting action on your baby as you would the 4/4 handclap accompaniment at the match. Hours of fun guaranteed. And when I say fun, I mean at worst existential doubt over the direction your life has taken and at best a sequence of funny looks at the playscheme. Or is it the other way round?

 

 

Are you still here? Go on then – two more items and we're done. One's nasty, one's nice. First, like a late arrival at a wedding loudly farting from the front pew, league newcomers Boreham Wood have told John, Roly and their Conference Prem counterparts they can't film without a permit. And when I say a permit I mean a big wodge of cash. A Halifax fan is urging an away boycott of the Hertfordshire club's food and drink outlets in response: see #woodarmyboycott for more. Second, if you've not read it already, don't miss the excellent Keeley Donovan interview over on All That And a Bag of Chips. Isn't it marvellous where a media course at Franklin College can get you?