Cod Almighty | Diary

Please can we just try leaving two proper forwards on the pitch when it’s plainly winning us the game

14 August 2015

Retro Diary writes: I can’t recall very much about Mike Newell’s tactical idiosyncrasies now, except for one that I’ll always remember for its good sense. When we used to go one up, he very often used to respond immediately by bringing on a striker.

This week, the absolute reverse strategy, whose routine inception has come to be known as the ‘Parslow point’, probably ruined one otherwise fine performance, and was unable to ruin the other only because we played too well and were too far ahead when it happened. Poor old Parslow – we can’t even blame it on him any more (it was actually never his fault), but the monotonous ritual of ‘remove striker = opposition immediately scores’ seems destined ever to bear his name. To call it the ‘Hurst point’ would be much fairer. Such pig-headed adherence to something that plainly has no logic and doesn’t work is now the only remaining irritation in a joyous avalanche of unbridled optimism and unity for the coming campaign.

One of the joys of a new season is that you start without any baggage. This year, with the season a mere ninety-two minutes old, we were already destined to look at the league table every week and forlornly regret two ghostly, non-existent points. It may not matter, but can we be sure? Unlike your Devon Diary yesterday (who would evidently be a much cheerier chap to be snowed in or trapped in a lift with than me), I cannot forget it easily, and I might even become more bitter as we move towards the point where we realise how useful those two points might have been.

The joyous and impressive demolition of hapless Barrow on Tuesday was a real tonic, and as a consequence we should be full of confidence tomorrow for the visit of newly-promoted Bromley. It’s one of those completely novel fixtures which have so often provided us with a ‘new low’. But it feels like we’ve turned a corner since the days of ‘new lows’, and frankly I’m very happy about it. I’d much rather be talking about ‘new highs’, and to be fair we look like we might even get one or two before long.

Having regularly chastised southerners for treating the north as a single flat-capped, flat-vowelled pit village roamed by herds of whippets, I must not then myself repeat the mistake by mixing up those amorphous and undistinguished blobs of inner Kent: Ebbsfleet, Welling, Dartford and Bromley.

So – by means of introducing a bit of differentiation, let’s meet tomorrow’s guests. Bromley is the largest and ‘most London’ of the four. Bromley FC’s two nicknames are seemingly contradictory, but I understand they prefer the ‘Ravens’ (from the town’s coat of arms), to the ‘Lillywhites’. They have, rather unbelievably, played in front of 96,000 people at Wembley, against Romford in the FA Amateur Cup Final of 1949. So if you want to know what people found to do before telly and computers, there’s your answer. Bromley have been in the second round of the FA Cup three times, but have never been any further.

The Borough of Bromley boasts an impressive, nay astonishing, roll-call of celebrities from the world of the arts. Seriously, I don’t know where to start. I don’t for a minute think that Bromleyans (or whatever they call themselves) are any more inherently talented than Grimbarians and Meggies, whose roll-call is considerably more modest (sorry Keeley). But that, unfortunately, is what it means to grow up in the sticks. The moral of the story - don’t set your sights too low, kids. Or just move.

Having said that, you might have grown up in Barrow. Think on that.

Bromley’s internet fans’ forum has amongst its pressing concerns the fact that the newly planted conifers along the drive leading to the stadium have died, and were probably a silly idea anyway. At least, though, when they’re cut down it will improve the view of the ponies. Scots pine or lime might be better next time, one fan earnestly postulates. Actually I’m starting to like Bromley a little more at this point, but I don’t think there’s any doubt that we need to be packing them off back to Kent with no points. For the record, I think monkey puzzle might be kind of funky.

Against Barrow we looked like a team with confidence, shape, and occasionally flair – a team which could really go places, and we are very happy to credit the manager with that. Watching two good strikers both playing off the shoulder was a great treat after what we’ve been used to, and devastatingly effective.

We now need to use the trauma of Kidderminster to motivate us to win games elsewhere which we might not otherwise have won. Only then can I get over what happened last Saturday. Please, please, please can we just try leaving two proper forwards on the pitch when it’s plainly winning us the game. When defending a lead, the need to get the ball to the other end and keep it there, especially when the opposition has to attack, is surely too obvious even to need saying. If he’s watching, Daniel Parslow will no doubt breathe a sigh of relief too.

I went to a party on Saturday night, and everyone wanted to talk about football. After the third person with whom I tried to start a conversation about Town had rolled their eyes in a ‘what do you expect’ kind of way and said “never mind, Man United won”, I was beginning to wonder whether the stress is all worth it. But the fact that I found such a statement so gut-wrenchingly, almost violence-inducingly annoying made me realise that not in a million years would I swap ‘my’ Grimsby Town for someone else’s bunch of whingeing millionaires from a different city. In any case Man Utd are, as I joyfully pointed out to all three glory seekers, a team against whom Town are currently unbeaten in three, including a 4-3 victory at Old Trafford.

For information, Lincoln tickets go on sale to season ticket holders immediately after tomorrow’s game. It’s strictly one-for-one, and you need your full book of tickets with you and some ID. As Town have 655 more season ticket holders than there are Lincoln tickets available, one hopes a few of them have got weddings or badly-timed holidays that day.
UTM!