Cod Almighty | Diary

What an extraordinary physiognomy you possess

9 October 2015

Retro Diary writes: One of the most fascinating things about following a football club is the existence of not one but two league tables. There's the actual one, as of October 2015, with Man City in position no.1 and Town at no.99. This table is characterised by extreme fluidity from week to week – over 90 minutes any team can beat any other.  Teams go up, they go down, and unless they're Maidstone United, they go up again.

But there's another, much more static, and in a way, more important table. This is the one where the teams fall into their 'natural' order. History, attendances and ground size all contribute strongly to this order. This is the list that decides who you're 'bigger' than (teams below you), or 'smaller' than (teams above you). Some would say this alternative table doesn't really exist – usually those who have a vested interest in their local team staying rubbish, such as, in our case, people who live in Weelsby Avenue.

Although we don't tend to mention it these days, no-one understands this alternative table better than old-style hooligans, for this is the order they fought over all those years ago. The result on the pitch almost didn't matter. Players understand it too, which is very important. "Town are a massive team in this league," you will hear them say as they clamour to sign. In this alternative table, positions can change only at a glacial pace, and places have to be earned.

Why am I going on about this now? Well, last week, when Hursty was linked with the vacant manager's post at Rotherham, I wasn't the only person to ask: "Hang on, isn't he at a bigger club already?" Of course, nobody would begrudge him a move to a team currently three divisions higher, especially one for whom he made a record number of appearances.

But answers to this question pouring in on social media were entirely shocking, to me at least. Much of what we saw was the common cognitive bias towards things which are more recent, which rears its ugly head every time anybody does a 'greatest ever [insert anything]' list. No, you can't put Jessie J above Elvis, but I know a few teens who would try. I'm sure the simple reason is that everyone can remember last week, and most last year, but as you go further back, you lose more and more people because it was before they were born, or at least before they were paying attention.

Placing Town in the natural order is particularly difficult, as we have shown more than usual mobility over the years. There can be no doubt that Town have fallen somewhat – teams who have well and truly overtaken us in my lifetime include, for example, Watford, Reading and Wigan. You could argue all day about this, and sometimes you can't explain why you think what you do – it's just instinct.

Now don't start, but someone of my precise vintage would naturally place Town marginally beneath Burnley, Fulham and Portsmouth, but marginally above Rotherham, Peterborough and Bournemouth. I personally think we sit possibly somewhere around Swindon or Oldham. Younger fans who have known only failure may be bemused by this lofty assessment, and it does indeed get harder to justify with every year in oblivion. Some day quite soon, the claim might become untenable. But put it this way: I'm not that old, but Man Utd, Arsenal and Southampton are the only current Premier League teams I haven't seen Town beat, and a list of teams we beat last time out includesLiverpool, Everton, Spurs, West Ham, Stoke, Wigan and Cardiff.

Very importantly, a team's ground puts a ceiling on its trajectory within the list, such that the likes of Northampton, York, Chester and Barnet can never be very high, although to be fair, all have room for expansion. Clubs such as Chesterfield and Scunthorpe have made the fatal mistake of building grounds that don't give them any advantage over the ones they replaced in terms of natural order, and are, in both cases, more horrible. The fact that Town's ground capacity has fallen from over 30,000 to about 9,000 is a massive problem for us when it comes to keeping our place in the natural order, and if we want to attract players it is in our interest to get that position up again.

Actually, the more I think about this (and sadly I think about it a lot), the more I come to the conclusion that position in the natural order isn't really the most important thing. The most important thing is uniqueness. Uniqueness trumps league position every time – ask Hamburg's St Pauli, or any other team who aren't even the biggest team in their own city. It's uniqueness that gives you something to get behind – something to hang your loyalty on, irrespective of anything that happens on the pitch. And God knows, given what can happen on the pitch, you sometimes need that.

Town's kit is beautiful, and not shared by anyone. Our stadium has the oldest stand pretty much anywhere, period architecture, absolutely delicious asymmetry, and unbeatably, it's right next to the sea. In this, we rank very highly, if not top, in uniqueness and character. They tell us Blundell Park isn't paying for itself, but the thought of moving to an identikit plastic thing, where visiting supporters are shuttled in and out without so much as a whiff of ozone, strikes me as an even more certain, if subtler, way of committing suicide. If we're actually moving, and I'm not against it under any circumstances, then it needs to be a palace. I mean a palace. And a unique palace at that. New York? New bollocks.

Tomorrow, the only way is Essex. Braintree to be precise; or as they're otherwise known (don't snigger), the Iron.  I know what you're going to pick me up on now – you can't imagine Swindon or Oldham playing Braintree. Well, indeed. And this, of course, explains so very much about why the Blundell Park crowd can be, at once, so passionate to succeed and so easily irritated.

Braintree are one of the division's more likeable clubs. Their kit is also unique, and if you've seen it, you might be rather relieved. Tomorrow is Non-League Day, which is always timed to coincide with an international break, and is when armchair (or actual) Chelsea-watchers are urged to go out and slum it down some local rec instead. I'm flattering myself that this initiative wasn't really invented for the likes of Town. Hmm.

When we first came down, a thumping away defeat to Braintree famously gave us our most painful 'new low', although Chasetown ran it close. I know – stop it now, it's hurting. Cheer up though – this is the new world of Operation Promotion. We don't do 'new lows' any more.

Braintree have a mini injury crisis: Fry is out, and Habergham, Isaac, Sparkes and Phillips are all struggling. For us, JP has a "less than 50/50 chance" of taking part, with a slight recurrence of a hamstring problem. Hursty isn't saying who could replace him, but states confidently that "Pádraig Amond or Omar Bogle are the obvious options". Yes, he really said that, and if he's taking the piss it's sure hard to tell. The rest, apparently, are OK.

And finally, the thing I should have said first. Please don't forget to pre-order your copy of We are Town: Writing by Grimsby Fans 1970–2002. It mines a rich seam of emotion-soaked Mariners-themed output over many years, which I for one can't wait to revisit. And there's some new stuff in there too. This book is about us – our lives; mine, and yours. You need to own one and treasure it. UTM.