Cod Almighty | Diary

You mark my words, we'll soon be asked to play at 3am on a Thursday

12 November 2015

Devon Diary writes: Have you seen Mystery Men, the Ben Stiller movie? There are some cracking characters in the film – The Shoveller; Mr Furious; Spleen; The Blue Raja – as well as a character blessed with the ability to turn invisible. However, like a tree falling in a forest, The Invisible Boy struggles throughout the film because he cannot manifest his awesome power if there's anybody watching him.

You might ask what this has got to do with Grimsby Town, to which I would answer: everything. Here's why. Look at the games I've seen this season:

• Kidderminster away – the first game of the season where, after a wonderful pre-season campaign, we came away with a 2-2 draw
• Torquay at home – we also drew 2-2
• Tranmere at home – in front of the BT Sport cameras, Town ground out a 1-1 draw after what had been a fairly decent start to the month of September
• Torquay away – we followed up a 7-0 demolition of Halifax with a frustrating 1-1 draw against one of the league's struggling teams
• Cheltenham at home – again on the telly and again we struggled and fell to a 0-1 defeat less than a week after a 4-0 win in the cup

Just like the guy in Mystery Men can't turn invisible, Grimsby Town can't stir themselves to win if I'm watching. They're bloody wonderful if I'm not watching, and due to geography that's more often than I'm at a match – luckily for both Town and my fellow fans if, as I suspect, I am a massive jinx.

It's not just me though, is it? Last week I was chatting on Twitter to fellow Town fan Rob Bartlett has suggested that if the club happened upon some 'big money' in the form of a new investor then the diehard fans would be joined by thousands who would come flooding back. The fans who turn up for the glamour games – the FA cup ties against proper League opposition, or the play-offs. I wondered if Town could tap into those 'special occasion' fans without the need for big money, but Rob pointed out: "If Town tapped into them we'd probably lose", as Town "hardly ever turn up for a big crowd".

He's right, you know. Forget those Wembley performances in '98; since then Town have failed to deliver on the big day. Stick 'em in front of the TV cameras and more often than not our team has an off day. Whether it doesn't quite click or a decision fails to go our way, we leave with nowt.

Look at the games I've seen this year and specifically the two that were televised. I could point out decisions going against us – the most obvious penalty shout in recent memory, and before that the inexplicable call-up of hackneyed TV karaoke has-been Wagner – but maybe the underlying problem is this: we were playing on a Friday.

Maybe I'm glossing over the possibility that I'm to blame, that I'm an albatross around the neck of my team. But as any regular readers of Cod Almighty will know (and to be honest, you wouldn't need to visit the site that often to discover this), Friday night football is an abomination. It is against nature. We would surely see Town perform poorly far less often if they simply did not play in televised matches on Friday evenings.

The same view of Friday night football is undoubtedly shared by Andy Walsh, the general manager of FC United of Manchester. As Wicklow discussed in yesterday's diary, FCUM objected when their FA Cup first-round tie was moved to Monday night – after the draw for the second round had already taken place! Walsh and FCUM would have forgone the FA Cup TV payment in order to make a stand against what they see as the tail wagging the dog: TV disrupting and undermining the integrity of football. A listen to Walsh's interview on Radio 5 is definitely worth five minutes of your time. (It starts around 2 hours 41 minutes in.) 

Back to north-east Lincs and Town playing a Conference match on a Friday night in front of BT Sport's cameras – what's in it for the club? There's a minimum of £5,000 from BT. But does that make up for the loss of numbers through the turnstiles? Home and away numbers tend to be down due to the problems of travelling on a Friday evening, and it's hard to imagine that any shortfall not covered by the BT payment is made up for by 'exposure'. Are casual armchair fans looking for non-League football on a Friday? Even if they are, would they be inspired to turn up at the turnstile for the next home game? Of course not.

Financially, televised games in the FA Cup are another matter altogether and Wicklow got his wish granted late yesterday afternoon when the club announced that our second round tie with Shrewsbury will be televised. On a Monday evening.

Arguably worse than playing on a Friday, the shifting of a Saturday game to a Monday evening is a nightmare for the away fans and many of Town's not-quite-local support. At least in the FA Cup the compensation is a little bit tidier – £72,000 per team for the inconvenience. While I stand firmly in the "football belongs on a Saturday" camp – along with FCUM and their final qualifying round opponents Sporting Khalsa – I can appreciate what this kind of money means to the club, along with the previous round's win bonus. Get into the third round and it jumps up again, and an away tie against a big club also brings a handy slice of ticket revenue.

We can beat the Shrews – that's yer lot, Salop – and then we're officially on a cup run (come on!). But before then there are some meat-and-potatoes games to deal with, starting this Saturday when Welling United are our guests. I'd like to think the team will push on from that glorious midweek win at Barrow and that despatching the Wings will be little more than a formality. What are the odds on Podge breaking the 20-goal barrier this weekend? Goals for Amond, Jones and Arnold, I reckon. Maybe Townsend too. Up the Mariners!