Cod Almighty | Diary
These Colonial Marines are very tough hombres. They're packing state-of-the-art firepower, there's nothing they can't handle.
6 January 2016
Wicklow Diary writes: Exiles have returned to their stations across the UK and beyond and are probably asking the same big questions – how will the Henderson signing work out? Is Alex Jones coming back? What the hell has happened to the pubs of Grimsby and Cleethorpes?
I'll get to the football but let's address the boozer situation first. They all seem to be boarded up or selling carveries. The pub used to be a nice pint, a bag of crisps and a game of pool. Even the occasional fight wasn't necessarily a bad thing if you could escape without serious injury. Unfortunate, maybe, but it is certainly a badge of honour and a story to tell your mates to get chased out of a pub for looking crooked at a band of cue-wielding lunatics. There's no dignity and no tale to be told about a 70-year-old with a hip replacement thwacking a dinner plate across the back of your head for skipping the queue or mixing the spoons at the gravy and sauce table.
And just how many £3.49 carveries can one town eat? Look, I'd hang tea bags on the washing line to save a few pence but I am wary of value when it comes to my food. I wouldn't expose myself or anyone I care about to a carvery that can land on your plate for under a tenner. Your health would be better off with a certain franchise burger – and you're never better off with a franchise burger.
Speaking of healthy diets, I mentioned a while back that there was literally no bigger indicator of Town's lowly position in the pyramid than being in a division where an athlete like Matt Rhead could top the scoring charts. Other portents included seeing Andy Cook hunting for a new pair of boots in the precinct a couple of years ago while he was selling his old pair on eBay. The fixture list isn't mistaken: we are a non-League club.
Some of our fans are yet to get the message. That's why they chose to boo the team at the end of a six-game winning streak. A manager and a team that, with a ref who wasn't an idiot, could have had us and not Bristol Rovers in the play-off positions in the division above us. Sorry, it's a new year but I'm not letting go, Ross. Ever. Just ask Karl Josef Assenmacher how long I can hold on to this stuff for.
Most teams would look at the imbalance of having just eight of our remaining twenty league games at home as a worry – not for Town if that is what awaits the first dip at Blundell Park.
Anyway, the boos were misplaced. In the spirit of breaking of what must be a new year's resolution of the other diarists, I'll be the one blaming John Fenty for ending Town's winning run. I can only assume he saw the queen's speech to her subjects and got the biro out to pen his 'Dear Very Special Fans' proclamation. Just kidding, John – season's greetings to you too. I just hope we don't get burnt by that galvanic reaction.
Enough nonsense, what about the actual football news? Cheltenham and Eastleigh are throwing transfer shapes and the expectation is for us to do the same. If loans are required I want them battle-hardened. It's muddy, the ref is giving you nothing and you are one-nil down to a bunch of big bullies. Is a promising yet untried youngster gonna save your bacon? In terms of Sigourney Weaver's Colonial Marines in Aliens we'd be looking for a fearless shit-kicker like Hicks and not a jittery plate of jelly like Gorman, the first-timer who gets them all eaten.
That was my concern about Jones, Alabi and Henderson when they were all 'in the building'. Three players with a career of academy football behind them but few if any senior appearances. Jones himself highlighted the problem in saying he wanted "to play men's football" when he joined in November.
Easier said than done to get the right player – how many diamond in the rough, gnarly skilful veterans are available for a mid-season loan? The hit and miss of Palmer and Jolley last season highlights the challenge faced by Paul Hurst.
Regardless of any potential intake, Conors Henderson and Townsend need to take stock. We're all delighted to be able to point to Henderson's recent Arsenal background. He probably isn't as excited as we are about the career path. Division one, three, four, five with the Gunners, Crawley and now Town is a trend he needs to buck for both our sakes.
Like Andy Cook, Henderson is now playing in a league where some players buy their own boots. He's living my brother-in-law's joke of forgoing the Emirates Stadium for the antique Blundell Park dressing rooms. He's 24 and the next four months could represent a last chance for him. Where to next if he doesn't tear it up with us?
Townsend could learn from this too. Without wishing to be dramatic, the next few months may also define his career. His ability and attitude deserve a long contract at a higher level than we can currently offer. If he can get this in the January window, fair play to him. Anything short of this and it would surely be better for him to stay with us and impress until the summer.
There's non-event news to go with the non-transfer news. The reserves game scheduled for today at Rotherham is off. The lack of reliable reserve fixtures makes you wish there was some kind of secondary cup competition we could use to keep the squad fit, doesn't it?
Finally, in case you missed it, here's someone who has flipped Conor Henderson's career path on its head. Lloyd Griffith's progress from the Wednesday diary to the Cube game show and now hanging out with Messi is great and all, but it hasn't done me any favours with my kids and their expectations for Dad.