Cod Almighty | Diary

The definition is insanity is the ​condition of being ​seriously ​mentally ​ill

11 March 2016

In maths there's something called the 'prisoner's dilemma'. It manifests itself in all sorts of real-life ways, but in its original form, it goes like this: two bank robbers get caught, but there isn't enough evidence to convict them, except on lesser charges. So the police split them up and try to get each prisoner to confess individually. By grassing the other up, each one could get himself off scot-free. If they both stay silent, they both get a much smaller sentence. If they both grass each other up, they get bigger sentences, but not as big as one would get if he stayed silent and was grassed up by the other. The dilemma is, they can't communicate, so they have to guess what the other will do.

What the hell is your faithful Retro Diary prattling on about this week, you ask? Is he pissed on Tuesday's victory? Well, it was certainly gratifying to see one of those boring teams who win the toss and make you kick the wrong way conceding a goal into a well-populated Pontoon after just 45 seconds. And I was mildly amused that a team who play in yellow at home should have an away kit which is also yellow. They're away at Torquay next week, which should be a hoot. But those two small things apart, no – not at all.

The relevance is this: look at tomorrow's FA Trophy semi-finals, between the four 'Towns'. There is one potential final in there which anybody would want. It has romance; it has novelty. It will realise the wildest dreams of thousands of usually marginalised people. It is the best and most glorious final both for football and the image of the competition. It is the best for both parties. Both ends of Wembley would be green and white, and when has that ever happened? I'd pay to watch it. It is, of course, Bognor Regis versus Nantwich.

It's in both Grimsby's and Halifax's interests to play the spoilsport and try to win, because we can't trust the other not to do the same. This is the prisoner's dilemma, and it is, of course, exactly what will happen

We could help it happen by playing one of those slightly not-quite-first teams, like we did in earlier rounds. But I'll tell you what we don't want to do, and that's let Bognor through just for them to finish up on the sword of Halifax at Wembley. That would just be annoying. I'm sure Halifax feel the same about us. It appears, then, to be in both Grimsby's and Halifax's interests to play the spoilsport and try to win, because we can't trust the other not to do the same. This is the prisoner's dilemma, and it is, of course, exactly what will happen.

But can you imagine a perfect world in which both larger clubs co-operated to let the minnows through? We can but dream. Football is the beautiful game, but it's not that beautiful. Besides, there's £50k for the winner, so sod 'em. Come on Town.

So far, Town fans have been rather ungracious about Bognor. It could be the name, although we're not one to talk. We seem to have them down as cannon fodder, bus-parkers, or corpulent hoofballers. Their fans, who are few but rather likeable, far from being pissed off, are very happy at our arrogant misjudgments. They can only work in Bognor's favour, they think.

Actually, Bognor have none of those unattractive lower-division traits. But that slightly underweight 'footballing' team is the kind we tend to beat. Over two legs, we very much hope we shall be OK, but let's not underestimate what it would mean to Bognor to win.

Should we get to Wembley, the final will constitute either the most rocking after-show party, or the most shunned anticlimax, of all time. It has to be one or the other now – there is no middle way. Thank you again, FA, for your exquisitely thought-out schedule.

It would be nice to get Nantwich, who as a club have a claim to fame well beyond their limited stature. Incredibly, Nantwich, in 1889, invented football hooliganism. Ah, you say, but unless they were fighting among themselves, there must have been another team involved; it takes two to tango. Well, indeed – that other team was Crewe. But events on that evening on the platforms of Middlewich station in Cheshire are surprisingly well documented, and after a punch-up on the tracks between two individual fans, it seems definitively to have been Nantwich's hordes who made the first charge. Naughty, naughty, Nantwich.

If you're going tomorrow – and apparently several hundred are – enjoy the trip. Spring should be a lot further on down there. If you're stuck at home, Bognor's media facilities aren't great but Radio Humberside has pledged to give us a commentary "of sorts".

For us, Andy Monkhouse is out with a hamstring pull, interestingly not the same hamstring as last time. Evan Horwood also has a slight hamstring problem, and Jon Nolan may miss out with a sore ankle. Omar Bogle, according to Hursty, has three strikers ahead of him in the pecking order, and Ryan Jennings is cup-tied. UTM.