Cod Almighty | Diary
Braintree 2016 is the new Braintree 2011
13 April 2016
Wicklow Diary writes: If the soap opera that is GTFC were an actual TV soap opera, it would have been canned years ago. It's not the utter, utter misery. I'm told shows like Eastenders do quite well centred on nothing else. It's the predictability of the plot. Alright, I know TV soaps are predictable too, but they've got spicy sex, murder and the odd tram-squishing to keep the viewers entertained. Town players past and present count your lucky stars; the BP crowd would like to have at least two of these three at their disposal.
Who in their right mind would have tuned in last night for the latest park-the-ominibus episode to see Dirty Fen's toothless Town toil for 90 minutes? We're with the love of our life, but one who treats us like dirt. Town is the partner that has repeatedly broken our heart and ran off with our best friend, brother, sister and father (at different times and different people, not one biological miracle who is somehow all four; that's a Hollyoaks plot). Last night we caught them playing footsie with others again.
Braintree were the latest eleven to visit Blundell Park and prove how good they are at standing in the right positions. We've had enough practice at playing teams that sit back at BP – why aren't we getting any better at destroying them?
We often remind ourselves that expectations have to be different. We're not Alan Buckley's Town of 1991. We're not even Pep's Barcelona of 2011. But by the same measure, the Conference isn't chock-full of Baresi and Maldini's Milan. The fitness, organisation and defensive discipline are astonishing from these sides. Either they are actual Serie A teams in disguise or we just throw predictable non-League stodge at them.
In two games against Braintree we've hardly dirtied their keeper's gloves. Sound the 'No Disrespect' klaxon; I admire Braintree for their achievements and commended them on their sporting reaction to Guiseley's goal theft in February. Last night's win puts them back in the thick of the play-offs. All round Essex this morning, there's a spring in the step of the players as they rock up to their day jobs. It's the stuff of Football Focus dreams (as long as BBC TV has the rights to the competition, otherwise they'd fall back on a Danny Murphy feature about Premiership moustaches or something). What football fan can't love to see a team of part-time footballers managed by a PE teacher do well? Apart from, obviously, when they expose your professional team as dull and bereft of tactical ideas.
Some say they'd take Steve Evans as manager and turn a blind eye to everything about him if it meant promotion. Well, now's the time to use that blind eye on Hurst
Listen to or read the post-game interview with PH. Pick apart the peculiar unnamed ex-player and football people praise for Monkhouse. Smile at the irony of the "Braintree come to frustrate you and suck the life out of you" quote. Listen in awe at learning that trying something different simply means hitting it to Monkers earlier.
The punchline? Jordan Stewart, a livewire who can offer us something different, was rested for last night but will play for the reserves today. Come on, Paul – you're even handing out the rope to those who have had your back here.
I'm still trying to digest what he said before the game. PH told Matt Dean: "It's almost getting to the point where you have to take the shackles off and go for it. I'm not saying that will be right from the kick-off, but depending on how the game is going, it might get to that point."
Sorry, Paul – that point was the first week in August.
We're all familiar with Hurst's tendency to be defensive, but I was still shocked to hear him state this so frankly. It's not just that he has a defensive mindset and there's no other way. He acknowledges that there is an alternative, but it's taken until the title is gone for him to consider using it. Last night suggests we don't know how to remove the shackles anyway. Or that the players are so inhibited by them that the defensive movement and thinking have become habit.
All that is then. In four or five weeks we can present it and other evidence for the prosecution or defence. What of now? The team is still capable of winning promotion. That's probably sour to the growing range of people who would have sacked the manager hours, days, weeks or months ago, but that is the fact.
I've heard and seen various arguments about replacing the manager. When it comes to a replacement, some say they'd even take Steve Evans as manager and turn a blind eye to pretty much everything about him if it meant promotion. Well, now's the time to use that blind eye on Hurst. You may or may not think he's a shithouse with a shithouse full of shithouse tactics, but the bottom line is that we can still get promoted.
Egos who know what Hurst or Fenty are doing wrong, and believe that we are better off without one or both, have to put it on hold for one more month. This has happened before and we've managed to do it. That's how we all somehow still support Town after seasons and seasons of poor decisions and bad management.
It might take another day, but even the angriest among us will look at the table, take a breath and then get out the map to Dover. We're still in this and the bookies have us as favourites to win the play-offs. Some will have to grit their teeth harder than others, and may have worn through the enamel already. We have no choice: we are stuck with this. That's the curse of a real supporter. As many times as we say we're done, we just can’t switch off or change the channel.
So try to forget about Town for a few days. Catch up on the crazy football world beyond the A180. One where Virgin Media are trying to save Premiership football by putting more of it on the telly, worried that only "of 380 games this season, only 154 will be shown live this season". A world where we can't take a chance on giving Podge more than a one year contract yet Mike 'Zero Hours' Ashley can give Jonjo Shelvey £80k a week for five and a half years and couldn't even be arsed to put in a relegation clause. That's a league that needs help, alright.
Tune out further and listen blankly to the talk of Crooked Oil Regime FC playing Human Rights Abuse Oil FC. Glaze over at the Leicester question. You know the one, the "great for football isn't it?" one. You mean the Leicester who went into admin, who are under investigation by the Football League for fudging the financial fair play rule, who are owned by a Thai billionaire and who have a racist star player? Spiffing. So feelgood, it's like watching the end of ET while handing out Christmas presents at the orphanage.
When you're ready, come back to Planet Town in time for Dover. We're not crazy at all. I mean, I've bought six tickets for the Wembley final that we haven't qualified for, but haven't yet bought any for the one we're definitely at. Tickets to a play-off final that we're now probably scripted to lose 1-0 to Braintree.