Cod Almighty | Diary
As bright and lost as fireflies in jars
4 May 2016
Wicklow Diary writes: Predictable and tedious, isn't it? Star Wars day. May the bloody fourth be with you. I often wondered how April fools day manages to persist. Now I know, we humans are basically idiots. On the big things – "are you sure you want to press that button, President Trump…?" – and the little things, like Town trying to sell tickets for the away leg at 9pm tomorrow night.
It may come as a surprise, but my friends and family see me as a bit of a Victor Meldrew-type grump. Ironically, the only thing I sometimes get upbeat about is Town. I save my meagre supply of positivity for those who need it most.
Having missed out on automatic promotion, what are we going for – manual promotion, semi-automatic? I'm optimistic against all the evidence, empirical or hard fact. I have that big knot in my stomach. One that would be slightly less knotty if we were playing the away leg first. It gets more knotty when I picture our usual formation with balls punted at Monkers all night in a 0-0 draw.
Predictable and tedious? Let's hope not. I'll leave the preview of tomorrow night's game to Devon Diary tomorrow (watch out for that 7pm kick-off, especially you exiles with motorway rush hours to consider). As I type, we have no further update on the allocation of 600 tickets for the away leg, although it has been mooted that discussions are taking place between Braintree and their local plod.
I'm struggling to get to the game tomorrow night but this is probably a relief for my dad. He was alarmed to hear mention of one of the pubs that I'd visited after the Chester game. "Don't go in there again – they serve ale that gets you drunk from the feet up." This theory is apparently founded on an evening spent supping which ended in his head being "stone-cold sober" but unable to control his feet or legs.
He was happier to hear my update on the dog muck situation. Apart from the continued and mysterious absence of that crumbly white, almost cute dog poo, everything was normal. I could confirm that GY is no worse than anywhere else.
I walk the kids to school through a nice local estate (not to give them incentive to work harder: it's just shorter, and if we find any notes or loose change on the footpath, they are likely to be larger denomination). Guess what? Muck everywhere. Bad stuff too. Small mountains from giant long-haired Afghan Alsace poodles that probably match their owner's three-piece suite and are fed on goji berries and organic elk milk. Some of these owners go an unforgivable step worse by bagging the output and then chucking the lot in the hedge, relying on a nuclear blast to decompose it.
Feeling ill yet? Just be thankful I have yet to share a perfectly good story about pulling 500 Town programmes from a public bin on Cleethorpes prom which I could have easily stretched to 150 words before making the reader nauseous.
I'm happy not to face Cheltenham in the play-offs but I thoroughly begrudge them their title and cast both chippy shoulders in their direction
The other semi-final between FGR and Dover commences tonight at the Crabble (I hate myself and John Fenty for now knowing this venue name). Many Mariners seemed happy to see FGR lose out to Cheltenham in the title race. I'm happy not to face the Robins in the play-offs but I thoroughly begrudge them their title and cast both chippy shoulders in their direction.
Some of them are genuine chips – like the one with that Wright eejit. Other are less well founded. My dislike of likeable Aaron Downes, for instance. Crocked but hanging around to cheerlead like a non-League John Terry. I assumed the guy was a Macca-like stalwart but he's only played about 20 games for them. Actually, this might be laudable and loyal behaviour now I consider it – but it's too late: he reminded me of John Terry.
Why don't we like FGR? Because of their evil, planet-killing renewable energy and their evil, vegetable-killing veganry. Also their wealthy backer has trendy hair and Jon Parkin obviously eats local vegan children to fulfil the club's dietary policy. Their biggest crime, however? Abandoning the sacred black and white stripes.
Dover haven't done anything too irritating yet, other than give Hursty a reason to drop Podge. That'll be something to add to the knot if we meet them next week at Wembley – will Podge get a game?
We've had a few playful Messi/Podge comparisons this season so why not another. Messi and Barcelona thumped Manchester United at Wembley in the 2011 Champions League final. I watched the game on Irish TV and the 'panel' they use for their 'expert' analysis is an entertaining bunch of bananas consisting of two legends Johnny Giles and Liam Brady and journeyman-turned-journalist/troll Eamon Dunphy. Entertaining for the reason that they think almost everything about modern football is shit.
The discussion started with Dunphy pronouncing Messi to be the best ever, without question. Brady concurred but introduced doubts about Messi's international performances. Before we knew it the consensus was that Messi was overrated. By the time the conversation got to Giles, he produced the magnificent quote that "Messi's a good player but I wouldn't have him in the Stoke team, for example. He doesn't fit their system and I don't see what he'd add to them". Messi on the bench for Stoke? Makes as much sense as Podge on the bench for Town.
Messi-sized Josh Venney was on the bench for Town on Saturday and was brought on for the final 20 minutes. In spite of his usual lively and promising display, the CVs of Walker, Winfarrah, Humble, Charlesworth et al would suggest that he's had his year and that it could be his last appearance for Town.
What's more predictable and tedious here – the habit of giving youth graduates a one-year contract and then ditching them, or my constant harping on about it?
The youth, the potential future of GTFC. The players who my seven-year-old daughter described as "the new guys" when she saw Venney and a nervous-looking group of them fielding autograph requests at the open day in August. Omar, Podge and the other new signings looked "too old to be new".
I wrote a while back that whether we go up or not, we need a change in attitude. We see it every season. We fritter budget on loans and short-term deals for fringe players that have blocked the development of players like Venney. You know who I'm talking about. This season Straker is everyone's favourite but I'd chuck Henderson, Alabi, Stewart, Robinson and even Jennings in too.
I'm sorry. All this big picture stuff is for another day after the season ends. Just don't forget it in the euphoria or misery of the next two weeks, alright?