Cod Almighty | Diary

We are not alone in our misery - even if it feels like it

6 May 2016

Retro Diary writes: Benjamin Franklin said “If you want something done, ask a busy person”. Well of the 17 Braintree players on yesterday’s team bus, 14 came up here having spent the morning at work. Having got home at 3am, the same 14 were back at work this morning, the earliest at seven o’clock.

Let’s look at some facts about Braintree Town. Of the top ten teams, only Forest Green have scored at their ground this season. Of the same ten teams, only Forest Green and Macclesfield have beaten them in the last nine months. Braintree have played in front of more than 3,000 fans only four times this season, and won all four. They are the only team in the division that Town haven’t scored against.

We can’t go on being fooled by the stupid name, the stupid ground and the stupid kit – they are a bit of a phenomenon. Last night they took organisation to a new level, and we had no answer. Well actually, our answer was to bring on a full-back when we were 1-0 down. It’s absolute hell, football, isn’t it?

So is it all over? Of course not. This is football we’re talking about. As any statistician will tell you, the smaller the sample size, the more weirdness and chaos are likely to alter the outcome of an event. This is one game, and sample size doesn’t come much smaller than that. Much has been made of the need to turn up to Braintree in numbers and get behind the team – in fact, it may be a better idea to just go into a darkened room and pray for luck.

It’s certainly going to seem a long two days. Personally, I’m going to spend Saturday pottering, shopping for the week and getting my garden straight. The second and fourth flights finish tomorrow, so tuning in to the radio about two o’clock and again at about half past four could make interesting diversions. Hull and Sheffield Wednesday are already in the play-offs, although hopefully neither will go up so we can continue to ask our Yorkshire friends why God would create his 'own country' without any Premier League teams in it.

Bristol Rovers still have a chance of automatic promotion – why we care I don’t know, but we sort of do, in a 'there goes us' kind of way. AFC Wimbledon are in the play-offs, and if they finish up getting promoted they’ll be in the same division as MK Dons – a truly great victory for righteousness and people power.

York and Dagenham are already relegated to the Conference. Dagenham were only ever up there on holiday, and pathetic old York just seem to have died of apathy. Their new ground plans are in chaos, and it’s not like the place was even going to be any good. It’s better to support Town than York right now.

As I’m sure you know, Forest Green play Dover tomorrow evening, in a weird time slot all their own. Bah (tinpot).

The third flight finishes on Sunday, with all the kick-offs at 12:30, so concluding shortly before our game at Braintree. There is the remotest chance that Walsall could dump Burton out of the automatic promotion places on the final day. Would we laugh? We might, if we weren’t so depressed ourselves.

Scunthorpe, or The Iron as they used to be known, need to get a result at Sheffield United to have any chance of getting into the play-offs. But most amazingly of all, with one game left, once-proud Blackpool need ever-silly Fleetwood, their neighbours of a whole seven miles, to lose, if they are to have any chance of staying up. However bad things get for Town, I don’t believe we’ve ever had humiliation on that scale. At three o’clock, as Town are huffing and puffing at Braintree, North Ferriby will be being simultaneously finished off by Boston.

See - it could all be worse. Talking of which, just in case you hadn’t thought about Lincoln City for a while (and why would you), this is how their fans will be enjoying themselves this weekend.

And if we must mention the Premier League – and for once I think we must - just think about those Leicester fans in that pub on Monday night after the Chelsea-Tottenham game. That’s going to be us in just over a week’s time – going mental at an unlikely footballing turnaround. Cling to that thought. We must, along with fans of every team bar five, thank Leicester for reinstating the continuous thread that connects every club from bottom to top, and showing us that there’s something more important in this world than money. Now, once more, there seems to be some point to the game.

Even more so, I think we should look to Bournemouth and their successes, as they’re maybe a better model for Town to aspire to. If they can get up there and stay there, I’m flippin’ sure we can. Ok, we may have to wait a bit longer than we thought for the charge to start, and we’re certainly starting from a low ebb, but we’re not going anywhere – we can wait.

And so to Sunday. Just one thing needs saying: whatever soul-gnawing grievances you have against our club’s management (and I could fill a diary just from last night), now is not the time. It’s one game. Anything can happen. Oh yeah, then another game at Wembley where anything can happen again. Let’s start again. It’s just two games, is what I’m trying to say, and anything can happen (doh). So shut up about the manager, at least until the final whistle on Sunday.

And finally, it was a long time coming, but we got there in the end. Just in case it turns out to be a swansong, a final lament, let’s listen to the song we eventually got together for Podge, the season’s standout hero. Join in at home, it’s an easy tune. And while you’re singing, remind yourself that you wouldn’t swap football for anything.