Cod Almighty | Diary

A sophisticated decoy

24 June 2016

Retro Diary writes: Welcome from our narrow-minded little island nation. I’m so upset today that I’m going to have quite a job talking about football. In fact, football is relevant - dark-age tribal divisions and aggressive parochialism is what football is for – it’s what makes it fun. It is a contrived outlet for people who romanticise about war without wanting to actually be in one. In everything else, union is always best. Hey, maybe we could have the blitz back? And forget the environment, it was all just a load of hippy crap anyway. It feels like UKIP just won a general election. That’s it, I’m emigrating.

Hartlepool. I don’t hate them, even though I don’t come from there. I can make that work as a concept – what a pity 52 per cent of the population can’t. I still can’t make Hartlepool sound like a club you’d leave Grimsby Town for though. Am I missing something?

Toto’s accusation that some of the fans drove him out of the club is still deeply troubling. Sadly, Totes my old friend, it’s the wrong day for a foreigner to be asking for sympathy. But as far as I’m concerned, Town’s fans gave extraordinary support to their team last year, and on the occasions when it didn’t go to plan, I personally was never aware of Toto being singled out. Unless it was that Halifax incident of course, which, let’s assume for now (shut up), did actually happen. Would one nutter make you commit career suicide? Seriously? You expect Hartlepool, of all places, to be nut-free?

Toto is a sensitive kind of chap. He came to football late, having intended to make his living playing the piano. His stories about playing football in Vietnam where few people had ever seen anyone as tall as him, are incredibly heart-warming. He was a decent player and a gentle guy – we liked him. Who can forget his words on signing for the Mariners:

Well there’s your answer, I’m afraid. Relegation has made us into a volatile lot. Although we went out of the league fair and square, we were not, and never have been, culturally adapted to the Conference. It was the humiliation that came with such a demotion that made us, at once, so numerically dominant at away games, so fanatical, and so ready to reach into our pockets for success; but also so angry and fractious. It all goes together, and we wanted our players and manager to be as angry as we were, not lollop about being happy down there and taking years about it. We will be much less excitable now we’re a League club again – I can tell you that for free. Non-League was the problem, now solved. There was no need to leave.

So, we’re either the best fans in the world or a bunch of contemptible wankers. Phew, I’m glad we’ve cleared that up. Still – we move on. I don’t think anybody could have imagined just how different the team was going to look this year. Hursty’s long, refreshingly confident and not-at-all snippy interview with Matt Dean helped to calm the nerves slightly, especially the words “I don’t expect to be in a relegation battle”, which by Hursty’s standards constitutes positivity off the scale. You have to say, when he’s given time to do them properly Hursty’s signings are generally very astute, and again this year the early signs are good. Yesterday’s addition of the excellent Sean McAllister from Scunthorpe has been roundly welcomed. Just this morning, young defender Dan Jones has joined us having been released by Hartlepool, one assumes as an understudy to the regular centre halfs. According to their fans, he has a good left foot and “will head a fridge”. I have to say, that’s a skill that shouldn’t be necessary, unless something goes seriously wrong.

No doubt this diary will be overtaken by events as soon as it’s published, but let’s plough on. If we could land tireless, marauding veteran right back Ben Davies from Portsmouth as rumoured, that would be amazing too. Ben’s wife is from Grimsby, so well done to whoever spotted that connection.

Dominic Vose, unless being used as a sophisticated decoy, has been spending more time around Blundell Park than you’d expect by chance alone, and may be along soon on a season-long loan. The system has changed now of course – you can only bring loanees in during transfer windows, and they must stay for either a half, or a full year, during which time they cannot play for their original club’s first team. What’s that? You ask – are we being told what to do by foreigners again? Maybe we should leave FIFA – ‘Fexit’. Happily, it doesn’t apply to goalkeepers, in case you were contemplating half a season with Andy Warrington between the sticks. Actually, even that wouldn’t be the end of the world.

This is a day when any small succour needs to be grasped and distractions accepted for mental health reasons. My three-year-old just learned to use a pencil sharpener, and although he doesn’t realise his world has just taken a sharp lurch backwards, he’s chuffed. As a welcome aside, let’s also mention Town’s smart new away kit, which is the favoured red, and very nice into the bargain.

Here it is, modelled by the delightful Millie-Mae Margetts, whom we have no doubt was chosen completely at random for the assignment. A thrilled Millie-Mae, 19, of Grimsby, who lists women’s lib amongst her 'dislikes', asked "why me?" before pledging her commitment to world peace. The tiara, by the way, isn’t part of the kit, although it’s a nice idea. Millie, you’re fab, and more important than that, one of us. But come on, GTFC, get with the new century.

Having said that, why bother – we’re not a twenty-first century kind of nation are we? We’re not the kind of nation who likes to be told what shape to have our bananas by countries with clean beaches and trains that run on time. Bananas - you couldn’t even get them in the war. Those were the days don’t you think, you 52 per cent?

UTM