Cod Almighty | Diary

Nothing to moan about

12 August 2016

Retro Diary writes: Right, that’s it, we’re third – stop the season now! I know, if only. They say that the league table means nothing after just one game, but sod that – I like the look of that table, and I’m saying we’re third. And what’s more we’ve got that first win already, which has averted what can become a problematic hang-up. So all good.

You may notice that Scunthorpe are also third, but of course, the table means nothing after just one game.

Back in our division, I had to laugh at numpties Crawley and Newport who, after a game had been played, still occupied exactly the same positions as the week before when they were in alphabetical order. Crawley might have beaten Wycombe, but they couldn’t beat the alphabet.

Town’s display of superiority over league opposition in the battle of the seafoods last week, followed by a plucky defeat to much higher opposition on Tuesday, felt rather like old times, and very gratifying – 'normal', even. Hursty’s new team represents a step-change in footballing know-how to which we have seamlessly re-adapted. The fact that we played an unadventurous one-up-front at Derby in a game where such a defensive tactic seemed entirely without point, is the most I can find to moan about this week. Unless you mention, of course, the name Pride Park, to whose monumental naffness we seem to have become inured with the passage of time.

Think on that - nothing to moan about. It’s a strange, slightly anaesthetised feeling, rather like Man United fans must have all the time, but less phoney and anonymous. And, I suspect, more temporary, but hey, that’s what makes our lives richer than theirs.

So this week I’m reduced to reporting trivia. Like, did you know that sex-and-horses novelist Jilly Cooper, having attended our Wembley play-off final this year as a Forest Green fan, is set to write her next best-selling bonkbuster about football? It’s going to be called Tackle. Yuk.

And the reason, apparently, that the star of those great Wembley closing moments, Nathan Arnold, seemed to disappear during the summer when his contract and Lloyd’s new pen were waiting for him, was, I found out, that he spent three weeks training with Notts County (I know – that escaped us somehow). At the end of that time they didn’t want him, leaving him nowhere to go except silly old Lincoln. I’m not sure how much an unexplained funny turn in Mexico that landed him in hospital contributed to County’s misgivings about him - perhaps not at all, but it can’t have helped. Lincoln’s fans wanted him enough to crowdfund his wages, which must be rather flattering for him, but small consolation for having to face Sutton United tomorrow instead of League opposition.

League opposition, which for us means Wycombe. Wanderers’ Adams Park ground is a delight to visit and I hope you make the effort. The away fans have a splendid view, and its 'one big stand and three smaller ones' format, apart from being a triumph of design, allows home fans a panoramic view of the landscape of which the club is a part - in this case the scenic, wooded downland of the Chilterns, complete with red kites (remember those?) It provides, I think, the conceptual model for all football grounds to follow. In Blundell Park, we have the same format, of course, in a bigger, older, colder and more barnacled form, and frankly, as you may have noticed, we quite like it. So if anybody’s sitting in an office somewhere going "Hmm, what shall we make Town’s new ground look like?" (I bet they’re not, but when they do), please take note.

The Chairboys (a non-league nickname if ever you heard one) were apparently unlucky to go down 1-0 to Crawley last week, and missed a hatful of chances against Bristol City on Tuesday, again however losing 1-0. They’re saying in public that they’re not that fussed and it shouldn’t wreck their season. Well they would say that. Their forward line consists of our old friends Dayle Southwell and Adebayo Akinfenwa. The latter, who makes Matt Rhead look 'off the peg', is deemed by the FIFA series of video games to be "the strongest footballer in the world". He also finds time to run a clothing line called "Beast Mode". I wonder if he’s run into copyright problems with League of Legends or Deep Collective, both of whom also have releases in that name? Oh hang on, that might be "Fat Mode". Same thing, surely?

For us, Craig Disley and Zak Mills will be missing but the rest are OK. I’d prefer two up front, I think.

UTM